I don't know what 3 years from D-day is supposed to be like. Since D-day he's deployed and had several schools and field rotations and I used to freak out when he had to leave for extended periods of time. This is the first time I haven't worried about what he's doing. It's the first time I haven't gone crazy missing him. He'll be home in 12 days and normally I'd be excited by now, but I'm not. I've spent this time he's been gone living life, barely noticing that he's not here. I don't even know where I'm going with this post. Just rambling I guess.
I take it back. I have a purpose for this post. This time of year isn't my favorite. My H's birthday is next month. It's also the day that he told me that he couldn't remember the last time he was happy, which turned me into a detective, and brought us to D-day a couple weeks later. Basically, his birthday is a trigger for me. I would rather not do a damn thing and just ignore it. But our daughter will expect Daddy to get a cake and presents and H will expect it too. This is the first time he's been home for his birthday since I found out about his A. I don't even remember how I dealt with the other firsts...it seems so long ago and I was a mess that first year. I could talk to him about it, but he isn't remorseful and won't get why I feel like I do 3 years later. So, how do I deal with his birthday? I could have our daughter pick something out or make something, but he's not sentimental and hates useless gifts and getting random crap he doesn't want. I'm the same way with gifts, so I get it.
You know what, I take it back again. This just turned into a rambling vent. Today just isn't a good day and I needed to bitch.
(Don't get me started on the his lack of remorse...limbo is a bitch, but unavoidable for now.)
