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over one year since DD

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mswc101 posted 3/9/2014 21:43 PM

Over 1 year since DD. CS will not open up to me and answer questions buzzing around in my head. Tried to be tough and 'just get over it and deal with the fact he is sorry and wont do it again' but I cant. One year of trying has destroyed me and possibly our marriage. He wont allow me to check his accounts to quell my fears. Do I just cut my losses and leave now? I just wish I didn't love him

[This message edited by mswc101 at 9:43 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]

Stillstings posted 3/9/2014 21:51 PM

First of all, welcome, you have found a wonderful place for support.

Tried to be tough and 'just get over it and deal with the fact he is sorry and wont do it again' but I cant.

There is no "just getting over it" for situations like this. I didn't see much about your story but from the short post you made, you are describing what is called rug sweeping. Not coping, but moving along as if nothing happened. Of course you can't get past things. Have you two talked about this? Did he/she say get over it and let's move on? Are you or both of you in counseling?

Infidelity is a huge elephant in the room. Keep posting, more will reach out to you.

norabird posted 3/9/2014 22:11 PM

Yes....I believe it is high time to cut your losses. His merely saying he is 'sorry' and 'won't do it again' are rug sweeping. Maybe he's still in the A underground since you have no access to his accounts, maybe he is white-knuckling it and will cross lines again in the future, but no matter what this does not sound safe or healthy for you. In true remorse he would let you process your feelings instead of pressuring you to 'get over it'. Please detach from him and start seeing a therapist for some IC. I do not believe your WH is doing the work to be a good candidate for true reconciliation, and pretending everything is fine will not make it fine.

I'm so sorry.

StorybookGirl42 posted 3/9/2014 22:23 PM

My husband really resisted letting me see his accounts and the like, saying "lets just move on from this."

I explained it to him like this:

You didn't just break my trust. You obliterated it. It was this beautiful piece of glass and now it's shattered into a million pieces. What you are asking me to do is just blindly trust you again with no reason to. It is like you are asking me to put on blindfolds and piece together that broken glass sculpture by feel alone. Do you think it will look the same or be strong if I do it that way?

He admitted that he hadn't seen it that way. He then went and removed the lock on his phone, opened his email, and sat me down.

I'm sure you've done some explanation like this in your situation. If he still hasn't come around, over a year later, he likely will never come around.

You may need to start thinking of yourself.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

mswc101 posted 3/9/2014 23:26 PM

thanks all for support and advice. I guess I failed to mention that I do have his passwords to email and fb - he just gets mad at me if I check and question him on something that I find (like that he subscribed to a free porn site with chat capability - not that there was any chat history there, and during the argument that ensued he said he only had the account to watch the videos) I am ok about him watching porn, but sharing intimacy with other people is not ok in my book and this is something that we both discussed and lines were set - mainly by him, even before he went down the wrong path. He has deleted items in his email account from where he changed the password on the porn account. as in he deleted them from his sent items. Why do that? (this is something I haven't confronted him on as yet)

mswc101 posted 3/11/2014 07:14 AM

wow - hardly a day of the 180 treatment and tonight when his son went to karate he asked me if we can sit down and get these q's answered. went really well - no agro what so ever and he appeared to take things onboard that I was saying and he did answer all questions, to my knowledge, honestly and openly. wow. how relieved do I feel? came about just by me not being a doormat anymore and being a little more forceful in my stance. All I can say is ill keep you posted on the future developments. thanks all for support thus far and I will be checking in to communicate progress - this is just the turning point, as well as seeing how you all are doing - what a great site

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