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coparenting counseling with npd

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FlySomeday posted 3/9/2014 22:53 PM

FOlks, my x (since Aug 2013) keeps harping on going to co-parenting counseling! I can't make him stop. My kids are 8,9 and are pretty cool with everything. They seem to have no issues re: the divorce. He dragged us through a $200,000 divorce unnecessarily, insisted his paramour and him would be better parents..asked the courts for full custody while I was waiting for mediation date. He insisted I was a 'druggie' and 'unfit'. I was working full time and had to submit to full psych, IQ, and drug tests. My eval was glowing in the end but needless to say, it was tramatic. I'm a single income parent barely making ends meet. I'm still paying attorney fees because he is incompliant with the court order re: finances and retirement/pension . He is a NPD police officer. ONly likes to be right and likes to be the hero. Email correspondence is fine...informing each other of health, education etc.. I make my own appointments with the kids teachers. It is too disgusting for me. He insisted the then paramour and now wife (2 weeks after our divorce mind you) to be on all school and extra curricular correspondence. Really? Now they are moving to a posh riverside rental. he can't meet his end of the court order I'm flushing $$ I don't have to take him to court for a show cause and the coo de gras is that he asks or begs me to go to the 3 free co-parenting sessions offered through his EAP work. BULLSHIT is what I say. How can that possibly help a NPD. He is disrespectful in most of his emails and correspondence, can't meet his obligations,and has poor step mother (AKA: whorebitch) boundaries. Kids are good. What the eff Do I have to gain? Everyone warns you about mediation with an NPD and how it never works. Well, it never worked with us. He was disrepectful through the fake reconciliation, divorce, and post divorce. I want to scream and want him to stop asking. Don't know what to say, not sure the truth would do any good ...especially if we ended up in future custody disputes. Please give me some wisdom here. Thanks.

ArkLaMiss posted 3/9/2014 23:12 PM

Just tell him that right now is not a good time for you and that you feel that things are running smoothly for the children. Tell him this in writing. Also tell him that you are open to any and all input he has regarding the children, however. Write it as if the judge will be reading it. Also, state that due to his noncompliance with financial obligations, you cannot afford it or the gas or babysitter fees involved anyway due to lack of funds. Let him know that you are unwilling to make changes in any form right now.

Chrysalis123 posted 3/10/2014 00:00 AM

What does your lawyer say about the 3 free sessions?

I am dealing with NPDx, and I refuse to go to anything except court ordered mediation, but nothing like this has happened to me....yet

woundedby2 posted 3/10/2014 01:12 AM

No, no, no. Do not agree to do this. It will be used only as a manipulative tactic by the NPD.

Respond in writing, but don't use finances, lack of sitter or time etc as any sort of excuse. Provide a short answer with as few details or justifications as possible.

Make everything about the children. A judge or attorney could be reading your response at some point.

Nature_Girl posted 3/10/2014 01:40 AM

You will be utterly railroaded if you do this. There is no coparenting with a narc. None. The counselor will be completely clueless about NPD and will think that all the "helpful" suggestions by your ex are perfectly reasonable. You'll walk out of there with your present court-sanctioned parenting plan shot to hell and rendered useless & unenforceable.

Maybe you can turn his attention to one of the online parenting programs? He'll think he's doing something fancy, and you'll still have your court-sanctioned parenting plan & custody in place.

stronger08 posted 3/10/2014 03:27 AM

Being you are D and I assume all custody/visitation issues have been resolved through the court system. What do you have to gain here ? Respectfully decline and inform him that you will continue to follow what the courts have ordered. As for his tardiness in distributing the financial settlement: Inform your attorney that if he/she wants to get paid they need to go after his ass. Don't be afraid to lean on your lawyer a bit. Bottom line here is if your H continues to bleed you dry (Which I think he is trying to do) Its a possibility that you may have to file for bankruptcy and then your attorney if lucky will get pennies on the dollar of what he/she is owed. Reminding them of that tends to motivate them a bit. Its very common for WS with NPD to try and retain control over you using financials as a last resort. And trust me I have seen people simply destroyed when they allow it to happen. This is the last part of the battle and you must make that final push to victory.

You have nothing to lose by following the D decree to the letter. Your NPD XH is going to continue to fuck with using anything he can, including the kids. Its a power thing and they must have it. First things first, get you lawyer on his ass about the money owed. Tell your attorney that your broke and if they want payment they need to step up the enforcement. Secondly deal with your XH per what the decree states. Sure he may try and bring you back to court, but you cant be penalized for following the courts orders. Document everything and anything. Record calls allowable by law. Use written means for all communications when possible. If he continues to harass you and use the court system as a means to do so, file a civil suit for malicious adjudication and ask for all legal fees to be paid by him for his tedious use of the court system to legally harass you. I do believe there is legal precedence regarding people who use the court system to harass others.

risingfromashes posted 3/10/2014 08:59 AM

Why? For what purpose? You have no obligation to do this. Did you say this was offered through his work?
No thank you npd.

GreatRoleModel posted 3/10/2014 09:37 AM

Don't want to t/j but just after I read your post I received a lovely email from my xNPD about us going to co parenting classes too! What is in the air? There is no way I will go and neither should you. It is a set up to make them feel superior and be a "parent on the surface" versus parenting in the trenches on a daily basis. He's looking for ego kibble from the therapist and put you down at the same time (a daily double). If your kids are not having issues with you and seem good with their transitions then there is not a need. He may need to go to individual parenting classes but not you. Keep your response short and simple.

I'm so sorry you are going thru this it never ends unfortunately. I have to remind myself not to wish away the time I do have with the kids (3 years then on my own) because of the stress he causes that's not fair to me or my kids. I will not let him take that precious time away and neither should you. Stronger is exactly right about leaning on your lawyer for funds you are due from X.

sparkysable posted 3/10/2014 10:00 AM

Do not go, especially if it is through his good ol' boys club, the police department. He's going to go in there with his snake-charming, with someone that he may or may not already know, or know of. No thanks. It's like a bully trying to lure a victim into the nice dark alley.

cmego posted 3/10/2014 10:26 AM

What does your L say? If you end up in court with him again, you will want to say you followed your L's advice...

solus sto posted 3/10/2014 12:06 PM

There IS no "coparenting" with NPD. At best, there is parallel parenting.

Just say no. And then learn how to remain NC. Yes, we do have to communicate about the kids---but this isn't really about the kids. It's about YOUR relationship (which has been dissolved).

Do not engage in any more conversations with him about this. Exchange information by email only. Keep it brief. And do not reply, any more, to his coparenting demands.

FlySomeday posted 3/11/2014 22:33 PM

Hi SI friends. You are all so wise and of course validated my gut. Here's the thing...I get the emails about co-parenting all the effing time. I'm sick of them! I'm sick of skirting the issue too. I told him "that was a very good vision for the future" to push it off. Honestly, there is NOTHING to gain! He never took accountability for any of his actions, no remorse ever expressed, constant verbal abuse and manipulation. Nothing to gain. I can't be his supply BUT I also can't tell him " sorry dude, there will be no eating crumpets and tea with you because your are a NPD and there can never be co-parenting with a NPD!" Sometimes, I just want to be so honest and share exactly what I feel but I know better. No one wants the back and forth bullshit email garbage. His view is...listen, whats done is done. I haven't lived in your house in over 3 years.."Get over it". meanwhile, back at the ranch, I'm over him but not over the financial devastation to me personally for $100,000. Who the eff does that?? We had not one but two trials because he filed in juvenile court and we were not allowed to combine the divorce with that. It was a ridiculous circus. His choice totally.

The children are so well adjusted for children of divorced parents and I will not choke on crumpets and tea with this NPD. Will not.

I asking for some very specific wording here.. Should I ever find myself in court I don't want to look like I'm uncooperative and don't put the kids first. The thing is..the kids are good. THey are fine. He has them for mid week overnights and every other w/e F-M (drop off at school). Minimal contact. We communicate about school and health related stuff. He refuses to use a shared calendar because of control issues. Afraid I will put stuff on there he won't agree with. Whatever. Fine by me. Anyway, I could really really use some ideas regarding wording here. Love you all.

P.S. Whorebitch signed my child's Interim report! Barf. Why would she do that? I can't imagine. I mean, she even added, "we are so proud of (daughter) for all her work". Seriously Barf. Who is she kidding. Ok. Done.

GreatRoleModel posted 3/12/2014 01:12 AM

Does he give a reason why you need the co parenting classes (God I hate that word)?

Nature_Girl posted 3/12/2014 01:52 AM

Will these words work?

GreatRoleModel posted 3/12/2014 03:19 AM

NG love it! So appropriate.

cmego posted 3/12/2014 06:50 AM

OMG, that is just a plea for "look at ME!! I"M SUCH a good step mom!"

Seriously, I'd talk to your lawyer. I would hate it if they are trying to set you up to try for more custody.

risingfromashes posted 3/12/2014 07:31 AM

Whorebitch signed my child's Interim report!

It probably will do no good to complain about this but WTF??? She has no legal standing with regard to your children. That would really tick me off. But like you I wouldn't waste my breath.

I am impressed with your self-control and maturity in dealing with such foolish game playing.

Kajem posted 3/12/2014 11:10 AM


Thank you for offering your employers free co parenting class. However, I need to decline your offer.


If he asks why? You can explain if you choose. No is a complete sentence!

When dealing with NPD sometimes it's best NOT to over explain. If XH persists tell him that since he isn't following the decree you have very little faith in him following any coparenting plans that come from the classes.

It's straight to the point, let him prove he can follow agreements-by putting actions into practice. After he does that-then you can decide if you want to attend classes with him.

I hope I helped.

Hugs, and good luck!

[This message edited by Kajem at 11:24 AM, March 12th (Wednesday)]

PurpleRose posted 3/13/2014 12:55 PM

I tried co-parent counseling with the doosh (NG- girl I spit out coffee when I saw your meme!! LOOOOOVE it!)

It did not work. Period.

He chose the therapist, an intern who was seriously in over her head with him. He twisted all sorts of shit to make himself appear to be the victim of a big ole meanie wife. He even scheduled one on one sessions with her -- and she was intended to be the children's therapist!!

Our MC and my IC both agreed that was highly inappropriate and crossed a professional line.

Just don't do it. Just say no. No explanation needed. :)

Undefinabl3 posted 3/13/2014 14:21 PM

You will not win either way.

1. You do go, and he uses the co-parenting classes as way to get something more that he wants.

2. You do not go and he uses you not going to show that you are not being cooperative and uses that against you.

If it were me (don't tell him this though) but if it is not court mandated that you do it, then don't do it and cricket him to oblivion on the subject.

On a side note...I would call the school and let them know that anything signed by Whore is not acceptable, that she has no parenting privlages here.

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