I just don't want to accept that he isn't who I thought he was and he really doesn't care!!!
This was profoundly difficult for me, as well. It's tremendously disillusioning to discover that you are married to a person you really never have known.
Is it just me, or does it sound like you tried to reconcile this the wrong way, by letting your husband call to many shots. Like TT, Not wanting to talk about it anymore, not creating boundaries between you and the AP, etc.
I think you need to find out the right way to increase your chances of reconcile this marriage.
It's comforting to believe that the BS has much power over the WS. In fact, none of us has ANY control over anyone else's actions.
We tell ourselves that, if we do things the "right" way, we can successfully reconcile. But if you do not have a remorseful WS committed to R, it really doesn't matter what you do. You may stay married, but you won't reconcile.
The things we do in the aftermath of infidelity can definitely affect how we feel about ourselves, however. In that sense, we can direct outcome.
Please, longnightmare, PLEASE do not assume responsibility for the state of your "reconciliation." It is NOT your fault that your husband lacks remorse and empathy. It is NOT your fault that reconciliation has not occurred. You have had little to work with.
That your husband is not committed to a marriage in which you feel loved, valued, and safe is not the result of anything you did or did not do in response to his infidelity.. Do not assume that responsibility; it is HIS to own.
It may be a natural impulse to blame ourselves. It's WRONG.
Millions of hugs to you.
ETA: I just read your last post. You are spinning your wheels, trying to find a way to make your husband GET it. He's not going to. He's either incapable or simply does not want to do the work. It's not your job to figure out which. It's not your job to make him do anything.
What IS your job is to find a way to accept the reality that you are married to a man who does not value you or your marriage enough to do the work necessary to make it a loving, safe, mutually rewarding relationship.
Can you accept living with him, exactly as he is right this moment, for the rest of your life?
Because THAT is all you can count on.
You cannot change him. You may be able to distract yourself from decision-making by looking for ways to do so---I know I did. The result? Well, it didn't save the marriage. But it did leave me struggling with anger toward myself for accepting so little for so long.
[This message edited by solus sto at 11:38 AM, March 10th (Monday)]