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Newest Member: js01 (45726)

User Topic: when you miss your WS
PhoenixAlight
♀ 42604
Member # 42604
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is renting a room for a month to figure things out. Does he want to continue his life at home with our three kids or leave it for the train wreck of the OW he thinks he loves at work?

He says it's not about the OW. He says our marriage is the issue but he can't maintain NC. He hasn't ended it. Just told her he can't talk to her while he figures things out (for the third time).

I am in pain and alone with our beautiful children much of the time and the house is calmer but I miss him all the same and it sucks.

Just wanted to post here rather then reach out to ding dong. I am trying to stick to my personal boundaries but man does this suck.


Me - BS 43
WH - 36
ILYBINILWY - 01/05/2014
D-Day - 01/07/2014
PA #1 - 6 years ago (3 weeks or so w/ Intern at work)
A #2 - COW began mid-oct 2013 - says he is not speaking with her while he figures things out so still going on.
In between mult

Posts: 6 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: CA
Ivyivy
♀ 42110
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay strong. I hear your pain and we are here to listen to you and help you make it through this painful period. You did great in posting here instead of reaching out to WS. Sending you strength and patience...


Me -BW
Him - WH
LTA
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 215 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
grownapair
♀ 33622
Member # 33622
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the house is calmer but I miss him all the same and it sucks

It sucks. It truly does. Same boat here, he's been off 'figuring out his head' for two months now. I'm biding my time for three more weeks (our 10th anniversary ) and then telling him to shit or get off the pot. I'm not going to be a back-up plan or wait around forever while he's trying to sort out his own issues. I can't heal until I know the direction I'm going.

Sending you strength.


BS - me, 38, WH - 40
Kidlets 6 and 8
DD1 - I love you but... Jan 2010
DD2 - 5 Jan 2011, booted him out
R attempted April 2011, False R
DD3 - 5 Sept 2011, booted him out again
Dec 2011 - living together as a family
Jan 2014 - separated...AGAIN!

Posts: 162 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: UK
ok2014
♀ 42060
Member # 42060
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear PhoenixAlight, unfortunately I know your pain...my WS left to figure things out. That was almost five months ago... First I beleived him but then OW got her hands on him. I has been hard but like you said calm at home, children and I enjoy that part. I tried to give WH an ultimatium which I learned doesn't work, but what I learned from it is it works for me. I still want to heal and work on our marriage but I WILL NOT take his bullshit anymore. I talked to a lawyer and didin't like what he said, went to IC but will need a new one. I finally learned about affair fog, started 180 in they way that made sence to me (us), I found strenght from book "Not just friends"
http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2012/02/10/the-betrayed-spouses-role-after-an-affair/

and my life line really has been

www.betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com

I am SAHM with two teenagers (actually starting my new job soon) I want to save my marriage. But I WILL NOT put my children through his mess. If OW was going to be part of their (mine) life it wouldn't happen until after D. Shit happen in life but it's do we let it take control of it?
Long story short. Last week seem like my WH has finally come out of the fog, has admitted he wants to come back. Even finally set us up with MC.... I see hope in our future... it won't be easy but I hope this is a start. Please love yourself, love your children and love your husband for the gift of your beautiful children (he did something right there). Hand in there and take care of yourself and please talk to someonw you can trust.


ME BS
HIM WH
2 teenage kids
Separated
Calls OW a leech......I just wonder what he calls me..


Posts: 28 | Registered: Jan 2014
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will take a while for the pain of missing him to recede. It's hard! But once it does, you'll see how much you needed to be rescued from a situation where your WH could dig the knife in with his 'love' for the OW. You deserve better than what he has been giving you. Stay strong in that knowledge.


((((hugs & strength))))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
PhoenixAlight
♀ 42604
Member # 42604
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the posts. They help so much. I am trying to remember that I would not want this for my daughter, sister or friend. Then treat myself accordingly, like my own best friend. No one else is going to look out for my own welfare except myself.

Grownapair you are singing my song. Our 12th wedding anniversary is less then four weeks away and I can't help but dread it. I want to remove my expectations and disengage but that is so much easier said then done. Most of the time I am on the roller coaster. Angry, sad, despair, etc. You all know the drill. Today I miss him despite what he's done and is doing.

Wishing you all peace and strength while I search for my own.


Me - BS 43
WH - 36
ILYBINILWY - 01/05/2014
D-Day - 01/07/2014
PA #1 - 6 years ago (3 weeks or so w/ Intern at work)
A #2 - COW began mid-oct 2013 - says he is not speaking with her while he figures things out so still going on.
In between mult

Posts: 6 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: CA
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't miss that guy that's sitting in the rented room.

You miss what you thought you had, and it's gone forever.

Give the guy in the room crickets.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to remove my expectations and disengage but that is so much easier said then done.

Try not to beat yourself up too much about your heart lagging behind your head. All the focus on detachment doesn't mean it is easy, or will be fast, or painless. Some are better at cutting the cord than others but everyone is human and the emotions just take time to fade. They persist even when they hurt and when it's not possible to change the situation. You can't act on them to reach out (because he can't give you what you need), but you can still feel and honor them as you mourn and grieve.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says it's not about the OW. He says our marriage is the issue but he can't maintain NC

He's right and he's wrong. It isn't about the OW and his choice isn't between you and her.

It's between facing his issues or running from them. That's why if he leaves to be with her it won't be the magical fairyland he thinks it will be because he takes all his unresolved issues with him.

You wonder this

Does he want to continue his life at home
but he has already answered you.
he can't maintain NC. He hasn't ended it

He picks running away from his problems. Tell him you made up his mind for him and you'll be filing for divorce.

You are deluding yourself into hoping there is a chance all while he is telling you he will not provide what you need from him. You are misunderstanding him wanting to keep you both for him wanting to what's right by you. He is straight out telling you he doesn't want to do that but your pain and fear won't let you hear it.

He's not going to come around on his own and do what's right. As long as you don't demand some respect for yourself he won't be giving you any. He will however say a bunch of things that mean nothing if it means it will keep you hanging on, so he can keep on doing this for as long as he can get away with it. He's not worried about your pain, he worried about how long he'll be able to cake eat. It ends when you say so.

Now hold him to the consequence of that. File and stop reaching out to him.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2380 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Pippy
♀ 16482
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please read the life changing post by nomadlady, especially #6 at http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=514479&AP=1&HL=


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Merlin
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs the gift of missing you, badly.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 11

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