"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

PhoenixAlight posted 3/10/2014 08:12 AM

He is renting a room for a month to figure things out. Does he want to continue his life at home with our three kids or leave it for the train wreck of the OW he thinks he loves at work?

He says it's not about the OW. He says our marriage is the issue but he can't maintain NC. He hasn't ended it. Just told her he can't talk to her while he figures things out (for the third time).

I am in pain and alone with our beautiful children much of the time and the house is calmer but I miss him all the same and it sucks.

Just wanted to post here rather then reach out to ding dong. I am trying to stick to my personal boundaries but man does this suck.

Ivyivy posted 3/10/2014 08:31 AM

Stay strong. I hear your pain and we are here to listen to you and help you make it through this painful period. You did great in posting here instead of reaching out to WS. Sending you strength and patience...

grownapair posted 3/10/2014 08:50 AM

the house is calmer but I miss him all the same and it sucks

It sucks. It truly does. Same boat here, he's been off 'figuring out his head' for two months now. I'm biding my time for three more weeks (our 10th anniversary ) and then telling him to shit or get off the pot. I'm not going to be a back-up plan or wait around forever while he's trying to sort out his own issues. I can't heal until I know the direction I'm going.

Sending you strength.

ok2014 posted 3/10/2014 09:11 AM

Dear PhoenixAlight, unfortunately I know your pain...my WS left to figure things out. That was almost five months ago... First I beleived him but then OW got her hands on him. I has been hard but like you said calm at home, children and I enjoy that part. I tried to give WH an ultimatium which I learned doesn't work, but what I learned from it is it works for me. I still want to heal and work on our marriage but I WILL NOT take his bullshit anymore. I talked to a lawyer and didin't like what he said, went to IC but will need a new one. I finally learned about affair fog, started 180 in they way that made sence to me (us), I found strenght from book "Not just friends"
http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2012/02/10/the-betrayed-spouses-role-after-an-affair/

and my life line really has been

www.betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com

I am SAHM with two teenagers (actually starting my new job soon) I want to save my marriage. But I WILL NOT put my children through his mess. If OW was going to be part of their (mine) life it wouldn't happen until after D. Shit happen in life but it's do we let it take control of it?
Long story short. Last week seem like my WH has finally come out of the fog, has admitted he wants to come back. Even finally set us up with MC.... I see hope in our future... it won't be easy but I hope this is a start. Please love yourself, love your children and love your husband for the gift of your beautiful children (he did something right there). Hand in there and take care of yourself and please talk to someonw you can trust.

norabird posted 3/10/2014 10:11 AM

It will take a while for the pain of missing him to recede. It's hard! But once it does, you'll see how much you needed to be rescued from a situation where your WH could dig the knife in with his 'love' for the OW. You deserve better than what he has been giving you. Stay strong in that knowledge.

((((hugs & strength))))

PhoenixAlight posted 3/10/2014 11:19 AM

Thanks for all the posts. They help so much. I am trying to remember that I would not want this for my daughter, sister or friend. Then treat myself accordingly, like my own best friend. No one else is going to look out for my own welfare except myself.

Grownapair you are singing my song. Our 12th wedding anniversary is less then four weeks away and I can't help but dread it. I want to remove my expectations and disengage but that is so much easier said then done. Most of the time I am on the roller coaster. Angry, sad, despair, etc. You all know the drill. Today I miss him despite what he's done and is doing.

Wishing you all peace and strength while I search for my own.

Williesmom posted 3/10/2014 11:21 AM

You don't miss that guy that's sitting in the rented room.

You miss what you thought you had, and it's gone forever.

Give the guy in the room crickets.

norabird posted 3/10/2014 11:42 AM

I want to remove my expectations and disengage but that is so much easier said then done.

Try not to beat yourself up too much about your heart lagging behind your head. All the focus on detachment doesn't mean it is easy, or will be fast, or painless. Some are better at cutting the cord than others but everyone is human and the emotions just take time to fade. They persist even when they hurt and when it's not possible to change the situation. You can't act on them to reach out (because he can't give you what you need), but you can still feel and honor them as you mourn and grieve.

BtraydWife posted 3/10/2014 11:56 AM

He says it's not about the OW. He says our marriage is the issue but he can't maintain NC

He's right and he's wrong. It isn't about the OW and his choice isn't between you and her.

It's between facing his issues or running from them. That's why if he leaves to be with her it won't be the magical fairyland he thinks it will be because he takes all his unresolved issues with him.

You wonder this

Does he want to continue his life at home

but he has already answered you.

he can't maintain NC. He hasn't ended it

He picks running away from his problems. Tell him you made up his mind for him and you'll be filing for divorce.

You are deluding yourself into hoping there is a chance all while he is telling you he will not provide what you need from him. You are misunderstanding him wanting to keep you both for him wanting to what's right by you. He is straight out telling you he doesn't want to do that but your pain and fear won't let you hear it.

He's not going to come around on his own and do what's right. As long as you don't demand some respect for yourself he won't be giving you any. He will however say a bunch of things that mean nothing if it means it will keep you hanging on, so he can keep on doing this for as long as he can get away with it. He's not worried about your pain, he worried about how long he'll be able to cake eat. It ends when you say so.

Now hold him to the consequence of that. File and stop reaching out to him.

Pippy posted 3/10/2014 14:35 PM

Please read the life changing post by nomadlady, especially #6 at http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=514479&AP=1&HL=

Merlin posted 3/10/2014 15:06 PM

He needs the gift of missing you, badly.