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Lost1000 posted 3/10/2014 08:27 AM

We had two calm weeks now... last week was awesome, last weekend perfect... romantic, with kids... but today my WH isn't feeling well... he rang me from work... I'll see him soon, but I am soooo affraid it is going to be a very hard afternoon. :( :(

BrokenButTrying posted 3/10/2014 08:59 AM

What are you afraid of? I don't think there's any need to be scared, just be calm, supportive, comforting. You'll make it through.

HUFI-PUFI posted 3/10/2014 09:03 AM


At times, our imaginations create our nightmares out of our fears and insecurities and we magnify and transform all the probabilities into possibilities and become afraid of things that have not happened yet. Yeech.

Don't let your fears overwhelm you this morning. Instead of focusing and thinking of what might be said (bad), find something else to focus on. Focus on how good your last weekend was. Concentrate on how you communicated well and connected well. Focus on being truthful and honest. Focus on not becoming defensive. Focus on the simple fact that this too will pass. One day at a time. One step at a time.

If it does becomes a hard afternoon, then stay strong. It will pass. Focus on healthy coping techniques and a message of support and love. Good luck.


Lost1000 posted 3/11/2014 03:15 AM


I was affraid yesterday, because in the past when my BH got very angry it was really difficult for me. I know I deserve it and my actions made him angry, before he was never this way towards me... but it is still difficult. When he found out about the A, he grabbed my neg and pushed me from chair several times... this repeated at one or two other occasions later when he found out some new info about the A... then two weeks ago, he pushed me from the car in presence of our kids, who were crying, drove back and forward to hit me, but he didnt'... later that night he pushed me out of the house in my pj and I went to the woods until he called me in the house again... later he is embarrased to have reacted this way... so, this is why I am now affraid of new outbreaks like this... I am sorry for what I did, I am trying to be supportive, I am telling him it was my bad choice... but sometimes he gets really dark thoughts of my AP and me and he gets completely crazy.

Luckily, yesterday was not such a day, we had a talk in his car, I tried to convience him I am serious about being different now... and it was a nice day... so, now we have the "record" long time of peace after DDay. Hopefully it will stay like this in the future.

Lost1000 posted 3/11/2014 03:20 AM


thanks for your words. I am pretty stressed out, yes. I worry all the time... about AP contacting me again, about my BH getting angry, about all this hurting our kids... it has been over 7 months post DDay and recently I no longer have my period - and I am not pregnant for sure - I also feel pain when breathing, I feel pain in my heart, when I eat, my stomach has difficulties digesting etc. My BH also fears of getting cancer or smtg because of the stress and he is undergoing different checks, but all is fine. Yet I worry every time that smtg will really be wrong. And he said he will kill AP in case he gets cancer because of him... I have also cancelled all business trips and only go somewhere with my BH... this affects my work significantly, but I accepted it and hopefully after a few years I'll be able to go on business trips again. But all of this just stresses me out.

BrokenButTrying posted 3/11/2014 04:37 AM


Lost, let me make something very clear.

You had an A. This gives your BH the right to be very angry. He can shout, scream, rant, rave and cry all he likes. That is an appropriate reaction to your actions and the betrayal he feels.

Violence, of any kind, especially in full view of your children is NOT ok under any circumstances.

You do not deserve that. No matter what your choices, you have a right to safety. You are not responsible for his choice to behave that way.

I hope it was ok yesterday?

Lost1000 posted 3/11/2014 04:56 AM

Yesterday was ok, thanks. We went shopping for kids' new shoes etc. and the evening was calm. After the last events (throwing me out of car) made me suffer for at least a week... sometimes he is telling me I wouldn't have forgiven him if it was the other way around and he would have cheated on me... but taking a look at my childhood, what has been done to me... and my pregnancies... and now... people hurt me and I forgave them without them even asking for forgiveness... so I see how much he is hurting, he tells me he isn't stupid and that he is learning from these events and will try to prevent them in the future... I hope we can manage this somehow and prevent such outbreaks... not so much because of me, but because of my kids. I want them to be happy. That's all I want. I am so sorry to put their happy childhood at stake with my A... so sorry.

BrokenButTrying posted 3/11/2014 05:31 AM

I think it's good that in his calm moments he is acknowledging that he is out of control when he's angry. That's the first step to taking control of it. It sounds like he's stressed out and struggling but in time his anger will be more manageable.

Glad you had an ok day yesterday :)

I feel the same about my children. My childhood was touched by infidelity, my mum had an A and left my dad. Although I was older than my children are and I was more aware of what was going on, I still hate that I will inflict the same pain on them. The guilt is hard to bear ((((Lost)))

Lost1000 posted 3/11/2014 05:47 AM

My father too had an A when I was the same age as my daughter is now... I felt no consequences of it, however... much more difficult was my father's alcoholism... my mother rarely mentioned the A...

Yes, my husband is aware he gets into problems... he gets so furious... other times he is thinking how to avoid it... he tells me next time he will go to the bedroom and I should leave him alone... but I have problems with it, I want to talk to him, help him, calm him down... we both act like crazy... suicide treaths etc. But hopefully, slowly, slowly things will calm down. We talk a lot, the time between fights gets longer, i never work evenings anymore... so after putting kids in bed, we go to bed as well... I attend IC to figure out my reasons for the A... and my H is interested in what we talk about at IC. kids are only 3 and 5 and I hope it will all be better before they realise something was wrong... it used to happen in the past months that my husband wasn't able to read a bedtime story to the kids, because he was so low, now for a long time he was together enough to do that well... I read them as well... we have trips together... this Sunday we go to UK for a week... I fear how we will be doing one week together all the time, whether there will be any fights, but hopefully we will have good time together... ah... looking forward and fearing at the same time. Last year summer vacation was so hard. Hope we came somewhere during this time.

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