Sorry to be a whiny child as opposed to the man I should be, but dammit if I don't feel low right now.
My STBXWW has remained amicable, and we're now close to finalizing our divorce. I know I need to realize that given the circumstances, this is as good a resolution as anyone could hope for. No long, drawn out expensive battles, no name calling and accusations, and no children stuck in the middle. Then again, I suppose it's the whole "finalization" thing that is really getting to me. It's one thing to know it's over, and another to really have it hit - I KNOW it's over.
I suppose there was a part of me that still held out hope that my STBXWW would snap out of it, and the woman she once was would re-emerge. Her cold and emotionless communications throughout the divorce process tells another story. It's like we're 2 strangers simply conducting a business matter. She's not being mean or cruel, she's just not "there" anymore. It stings so much.
She comes to get the rest of her stuff this coming Saturday. I will be getting a hotel that day. I will have family in my home to make sure everything goes according to plan though. I know I cannot watch as she removes the last of her from my home, though I am glad that it is finally happening. Still, it's yet another indication of the finality of our situation.
My brain is beating me up once again. The dreams are back in full force, all of better times. I see her everywhere. Everything is a reminder of happier times. I saw something the other day on TV that I knew she'd be interested in, and like a reflex, I grabbed my phone to text her. I didn't though. We used to communicate all the time, even when apart. All the little inside jokes, pet names, all of that I miss so very much. I swear I even smelled her perfume this morning as I was getting ready for work. I'd carry her scent on me after we'd embrace every morning before departing to work. I really miss that right now.
I'm trying not to break down at work but it's very difficult. I'm a wreck. Our 9th wedding anniversary is this coming Wednesday. I already have scheduled it off because I'm going to be a mess. Maybe it's knowing it's coming (though there's obviously nothing to celebrate) that is getting to me. Another first, and ultimately, the last.
Sleep has been in short supply. I can barely eat. Been drinking a bit too much again. It's like the days after d-day all over again. I really had been feeling and doing so much better, but everything once again seems to be crashing down on me.
I have IC this afternoon. It can't get here fast enough. Ugh...
Sorry for whining, but I had to get this out somehow.