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Another really low day

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MadeOfScars posted 3/10/2014 09:24 AM

Sorry to be a whiny child as opposed to the man I should be, but dammit if I don't feel low right now.

My STBXWW has remained amicable, and we're now close to finalizing our divorce. I know I need to realize that given the circumstances, this is as good a resolution as anyone could hope for. No long, drawn out expensive battles, no name calling and accusations, and no children stuck in the middle. Then again, I suppose it's the whole "finalization" thing that is really getting to me. It's one thing to know it's over, and another to really have it hit - I KNOW it's over.

I suppose there was a part of me that still held out hope that my STBXWW would snap out of it, and the woman she once was would re-emerge. Her cold and emotionless communications throughout the divorce process tells another story. It's like we're 2 strangers simply conducting a business matter. She's not being mean or cruel, she's just not "there" anymore. It stings so much.

She comes to get the rest of her stuff this coming Saturday. I will be getting a hotel that day. I will have family in my home to make sure everything goes according to plan though. I know I cannot watch as she removes the last of her from my home, though I am glad that it is finally happening. Still, it's yet another indication of the finality of our situation.

My brain is beating me up once again. The dreams are back in full force, all of better times. I see her everywhere. Everything is a reminder of happier times. I saw something the other day on TV that I knew she'd be interested in, and like a reflex, I grabbed my phone to text her. I didn't though. We used to communicate all the time, even when apart. All the little inside jokes, pet names, all of that I miss so very much. I swear I even smelled her perfume this morning as I was getting ready for work. I'd carry her scent on me after we'd embrace every morning before departing to work. I really miss that right now.

I'm trying not to break down at work but it's very difficult. I'm a wreck. Our 9th wedding anniversary is this coming Wednesday. I already have scheduled it off because I'm going to be a mess. Maybe it's knowing it's coming (though there's obviously nothing to celebrate) that is getting to me. Another first, and ultimately, the last.

Sleep has been in short supply. I can barely eat. Been drinking a bit too much again. It's like the days after d-day all over again. I really had been feeling and doing so much better, but everything once again seems to be crashing down on me.

I have IC this afternoon. It can't get here fast enough. Ugh...

Sorry for whining, but I had to get this out somehow.

Ivyivy posted 3/10/2014 09:36 AM

I here you and understand what you are going through. There are so many triggers, especially around dates and changes. Other than the increased drinking (which I am guilty of on occasion as well), you sound like you are dealing with everything very rationally and as well as can be expected under the circumstances. There are some days that just suck and we just have to get through them the best that we can. Sending you hope and strength.

lovehatelove posted 3/10/2014 10:01 AM


Your story breaks my heart.. (((HUGS))) and I'm so sorry you're going through this.. maybe you can have something fun planned on your anniversary to create other memories of that day...?

I may be where you are sometime in the near future... and I think about all the things that I know I'll miss about my WH...

his smell, our stupid inside jokes.. telling him something about my day that he would find amusing, like you...

On the other hand, I don't wanna miss those things... I wanna be able to just get a D and move on....I wish that ties could be completely cut.... but that isn't the case when you have children together.. I will have contact with my WH for the rest of my life bc of our children..... scary thought, really.....

[This message edited by lovehatelove at 3:00 PM, March 10th (Monday)]

norabird posted 3/10/2014 10:04 AM


You still sound like a man to me. A loving, caring man whose heart has been broken; who made a commitment he would have honored til death; who has not chosen his situation yet is making the best of it. Unfortunately 'making the best of it' in this case means being down and sad. But your actions are still strong, even as your spirit is suffering. You are behaving like an adult, not making the divorce ugly, not impeding her move, doing the right thing even though it hurts. You will be proud of yourself later for maintaining so much integrity. And your pain will lessen. It's okay to let it come now. Let the waves wash over you and know that as much as they suck you're going to get through and come out on the other side. Honor your memories and your love, but have as much love for yourself as you can muster too.

MadeOfScars posted 3/10/2014 12:26 PM

Thanks for the replies and encouragement. I know it'll get better though it doesn't feel like it now. There's all these questions I know I'll never have answers to. There's this want inside of me to make one last attempt to reach her again, but I know it can never be. This whole thing is just devastating...

JaneDeaux posted 3/10/2014 13:16 PM

So very sorry. You are a kind, honorable and decent person. You've kept your dignity, which is quite difficult to do. May each day bring you closer to the peace you so richly deserve.

MadeOfScars posted 3/10/2014 14:19 PM

Thank you JaneDeaux

I think a major trigger for this is just the fact we had to have some contact after weeks of NC. I see why NC is so important. The STBXWW made a comment that we should talk directly about things whereas my sister (whom I am so thankful for) has been the go-between (outside of lawyer stuff anyway). This has shown me that for anything we need to discuss, I should continue to go through someone else. It's like a gut-punch all over again, and that feeling of emptiness, anxiety and despair is back all over again. I was doing so well too, considering...

nowiknow23 posted 3/10/2014 14:46 PM

Sorry to be a whiny child as opposed to the man I should be,
Stop that, SoulHurts. You do yourself a grave disservice when you tear yourself down for having feelings. You are going through one of the most stressful life events a person can experience. It is traumatic. You are hurt, sad, angry, etc., and RIGHTFULLY SO! You are human. We humans feel these things. And feeling them does not make you less of a man. Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact.


MadeOfScars posted 3/10/2014 14:54 PM

I know NIK, I really do. I recently told another BH on this very site to not be afraid to have feelings, then I go and beat myself down for that very thing. Just in a heavy feeling sorry for myself state right now, and I do know better. I just need a 2x4 from time to time.

nowiknow23 posted 3/10/2014 14:57 PM

I know, honey. ((((more hugs)))) The thing that helped me most on low days was remembering that for every dip the roller coaster took, there was a rise to come. And over time, the rises far outnumber the dips.

Hang in there. Better days lie ahead. I promise.

norabird posted 3/10/2014 15:00 PM

I recently told another BH on this very site to not be afraid to have feelings, then I go and beat myself down for that very thing.

Story of my SI life!

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