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Newest Member: AnotherNobody (48486)

User Topic: What made AP worth it?
Neznayou
♀ 40654
Member # 40654
Stop  Posted: 11:44 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What was it about your AP which made you want to give up everything? What did he or she have that your BH or BW did not have?

Whenever I roll this question around in my mind, I come back to the sad reality that everything I sought was at home. My AP had nothing that I would have wanted in a long term relationship, (hell, I probably would have advised my sister to avoid men like him), but I tossed all I had out the window to be with him.

WTF? Over.


Me: WW (1973)
Him: 1969
Married: April 9, 1994
Son: 1998
Son: 2002
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

Learning.


Posts: 540 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Germany
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had nothing to do with any of the APs as individuals, but the broken signals I was looking for. And got. I reacted accordingly. Didn't matter if they were rich, poor, hot, ugly, idiots, or rocket scientists. That wasn't the point. The broken was.

Wasn't about them. It was me. I messed everything up for me. Not them. They were just a tool. In every way.

Why did I blow up my marriage? My own stinkin' selfishness.


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7062 | Registered: Nov 2011
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What was it about your AP which made you want to give up everything? What did he or she have that your BH or BW did not have?

Abso-freaking-lutely nothing!

It was never about the AP. It was always about me. I didn't realize this until I started to straighten out my thinking though. The AP didn't care about my or my family's best interests so he didn't hold me accountable to do or say things that were good or healthy for me or my family. He didn't have any thing my BH didn't have but he lacked something my BH had, integrity.

My BH and I were both avoiding problems with our selves and our M. I chose the destructive path of escaping into an A. My BH didn't.


fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 23, 16, 11. 2 dogs.

I edit often to fix stuff ☺️

Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.


Posts: 1680 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Darkness Falls
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't have anything my XH didn't have; at that time I would simply rather have been in a relationship with him and I was willing---at that time---to start out as an adulterous affair to make that happen. It was intended to be an "exit A."

Actually getting caught and getting divorced made me wise up. Thankfully.


Me: XWS, 33, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 45

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014 on our would-have-been 7th anniversary

Expecting our first child February 2016

Formerly heartbroken0903


Posts: 2735 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Central Florida
NoGoodUsername
♂ 40181
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Worth it? No, not even a little.

What did I get from her? The short version is that she was an ego-kibble dispenser and a drug delivery system (oxytocin, dopamine).

In my mind, she wasn't a replacement for my faithful wife. I was acting like a drug user during my affair and self-medicating with my AP instead of dealing with my middle-aged life problems.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 274 | Registered: Aug 2013
kmom2662
♀ 41494
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was nothing special about any of the AP's themselves; they were almost irrelevant. I never met any of them, and never planned to. I self-medicated my loneliness with them. They represented escape from the stresses and disappointments of my life.They let me create, for a while, the illusion of being listened to, valued, and desired. I was so desperate for attention that it seemed like a good solution at the time.


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
TheBatCave
♂ 42582
Member # 42582
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had dozens of APs...not proud of this by any means. None of them meant or mean anything to me. Were they worth it? Not even a bit....I had myself in a delusional wotld where I thought I was getting no affection at home....so I saw others. I realize everything I wanted...was waiting for me to come home...

Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: TheBatCave
helpemegetoverit
♀ 30242
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Worth it? No, not even a little.
What did I get from her? The short version is that she was an ego-kibble dispenser and a drug delivery system (oxytocin, dopamine).

In my mind, she wasn't a replacement for my faithful wife. I was acting like a drug user during my affair and self-medicating with my AP

This almost exactly, only replace 'he' with 'she'.


Me: WW
Him: BH

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you."
John Green


Posts: 882 | Registered: Nov 2010
WhatHaveIDone??
♀ 30054
Member # 30054
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wasn't about them. It was me. I messed everything up for me. Not them. They were just a tool. In every way.

Could not have said it better myself Aubrie!!!

It wasnt about AP. It was about me being broken. My selfish brokeness almost cost me everything important to me. There is not a day that goes by that I still dont remind myself of that.


Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2010
Wayflost
♀ 41583
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every time my BH hurls that question at me I feel overwhelming sadness. For exactly the same things said by everyone else. None of them were "worth it." Everything I want/wanted was waiting for me, at home, for me to step up to the plate and carry my share. My BH is easily 10x the man any of my APs are, probably more. He's less broken, more honest, more faithful. He loves the healthy parts of me, not the broken parts. The APs wanted only the broken.


"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly."

Posts: 687 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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