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post-confrontation: whoa soap opera!

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castellana posted 3/10/2014 12:05 PM

Thanks to you wonderful people, (skan, you out there?) probably the best people I know at the moment, I went confronted my husband at the MC. WH had been having an intense emotional affair, probably physical, found sex book in his car, loads of email & IM, trying to get a job where she works, being horrible to his own family, etc.

I went in all prepared, to be cool and calm, to tell him I knew about the affair and had an appointment with the divorce attorney the next day. He got one chance to come clean. Unfortunately I was really squeaky and shaky but, hey, best I could do.

He admitted to the affair. With a totally different woman, a friend. In addition to the one I'd been documenting. I can tell you the hurt is deeper when OW is someone you know and trust. And that what amounts to two PA/EA's can make you do things like lose your way home, get out of your car at a dirt field, walk to the middle of it and lie down hoping a piano falls out of the sky and puts you out of your misery. Or that it would be a good thing if that tightness in your chest and difficulty breathing was an actually a massive heart attack. But I have kids so I had to dust myself off pick up my kids at school and pretend to be normal.

I am so lost. He acts like nothing happened - can't even remember the details (ie where) of the last hookup with our friend though it was just a couple weeks ago. He insists other first one was just a good buddy. He had no problem going right back to work the same day after destroying my world.

BtraydWife posted 3/10/2014 12:20 PM

We've been wondering about you. ((((castellana)))) I'm so sorry there was more you weren't aware of.

What about your list of minimum requirements? One of them should be a detailed time line of the affairs. Just a few weeks ago? He's still lying. The consequence of that is your lawyer follow through. He didn't believe you would follow through so he's calling your bluff. Go see the lawyer, tell him to pack his bags and go.

Don't allow him to rugsweep this. I just posted this in another thread but if you half ass your consequences he will forever half ass his commitment to you.

I have a feeling he hasn't told you everything. He had one chance and he's not taking it. File honey-you have to be wiling to lose this marriage in order to have a chance to save it.

You are not defeated. He's seeing what he can get away with. You still have all the strength and control you need, you just have to exercise them.

Kick him out and file.

outtanowhere posted 3/10/2014 12:22 PM

I really can't imagine your pain. Sadly, after being on this site for almost a year there is very little about WS behavior that surprises me much anymore. I pray you had a very supportive counselor.

Give yourself time to process this new, very painful information. The tentacles of betrayal run very deep and, with the knowledge of the involvement of another person you trusted, I can only imagine you feel completely eviscerated.

I'm so sorry!

Tred posted 3/10/2014 12:26 PM

I'm sorry, you must be in total shock.


had an appointment with the divorce attorney the next day

Did you keep your appointment with your attorney? Having more knowledge of your options can help get you grounded a little. Take care of yourself.

bionicgal posted 3/10/2014 12:31 PM

I am so lost. He acts like nothing happened - can't even remember the details (ie where) of the last hookup with our friend though it was just a couple weeks ago. He insists other first one was just a good buddy. He had no problem going right back to work the same day after destroying my world.

Just wondering, is your husband a substance abuser of some kind? (An honest question.) Because it is not normal to not remmember where you were. It is normal to remember and not want to say, but not to not remember.

SisterMilkshake posted 3/10/2014 12:42 PM

He doesn't sound the least bit remorseful.

He got one chance to come clean.
Sounds like he isn't coming clean. What happens now, castellana? Did you go to the lawyers appointment? Did your WH come home and spend the weekend with you? Did you talk about the affairs at home?

k9lover1 posted 3/10/2014 12:44 PM

How did the lawyer consultation go?

annb posted 3/10/2014 12:51 PM

Hi, castellana, I am glad you are back and survived the confrontation. I am so sorry about the new revelations, but hopefully the truth will set you free somewhat.

Now it's time to put your bitch boots on.

if you half ass your consequences he will forever half ass his commitment to you.

^^What BtraydWife said.

I did not find this site until almost four years after my D-Day. One thing I know I did right was to initiate counsequences and boundaries. My WH knew in no uncertain terms that I meant business. I was not going to play ping-pong with my life or my children's lives.

Find those newbie threads here in JFO, re-read them....Tactical Primer, Before You Say Reconcile, Boundaries 101...etc.

At minimum he has to be NC with these women. Draft up a NC letter together and send it registered mail. Are the OW married? If so, inform their spouses but do not tell your husband.

Total transparency and accountability for his whereabouts at all times....cell phones, social networking sites (suggest a shut-down), email accounts, work emails and voicemails.

Nights out with the guys. Ended.

Individual counseling.

IMO, a WH doesn't truly begin to get it until he begins to feel the pain of his actions himself. Otherwise he will go on like this is just a little glitch on the radar screen and rugsweep or take the A underground.

Put yourself in the driver's seat. Do not tolerate any BS. My WH TT me to death, and that is my one regret was allowing him to continue to torture me with little tidbits of information.


damnUnicorns posted 3/10/2014 13:52 PM

I read your post about confronting when I was first here.... or still lurking. I saw you dissapeared...I was fearful for what happened to you.
I'm glad you came back to update, but my heart bleeds for you! The description of the immediate aftermath had me in tears.

I have no advice. I'm just sending strength & warm hugs.
Take care of yourself. I'll be following your thread.

castellana posted 3/10/2014 14:07 PM

Still totally in shock. I agree, there probably is a lot more. Let see, that night WH came home gave me a hug and said, "Sorry." I just looked at him and said, "Bullshit." He did sit down and tell me some details of the friend affair -- those that he could remember. Supposedly they only hooked up once, the sex was terrible and they both felt it was a mistake. But what on earth was going through their minds when our families had dinners or when we were planning to take vacations? And the other, total denial. He's supposedly NC with both.

He's still in the house. I have not kicked him out but this is because our son is already in seeing a therapist for severe anxiety and I don't want to change his environment until I can either send him to the grandparents or have them come stay with us for a while. So I've been putting 1. kids first - more playdates so they are out of my hair. We used to have family dinner, now there is just leftovers for WH to eat alone when he comes home. 2. me, scheduled haircut, massage and all the little stuff I've been putting off like the dentist because despite his failings WH has great health insurance 3. ignoring him and his 1/2 assed attempt to be sorry. Wow he actually cleaned my car this weekend and didn't yell at the dog. That makes it all better.

The attorney was very helpful and I have to admit was nice to be in the presence of someone so factual and rational. Along with cluing me in on what I should be doing and not doing with assets & kids divorce/separation wise he advised me that divorce would be a marathon process, probably a year, and that I needed to start taking care of myself and to talk to a counselor and had a few names to recommend.

I sent an email with details to the spouse of the supposed "buddy" and WH got in contact with OW and she supposedly told her husband so that woman did get the gift of being able to come clean on her own.

I think WH is an alcoholic, but not the type prone to blackout. He drinks a bottle of wine + shots of single malt most nights, by himself. Last month he went out partying with a buddy and, drove home wasted and puked in our son's bed. I think for normal people that would be considered a serious low point. But I also loved to have a nice beer or glass of wine for dinner so I'm not sure if I can judge.

At this point at least I'm so disgusted I don't have to bother with the pick me dance. I'll continue the MC because WH seems more inclined to be honest there - she was actually the one who got in the correct questions to get a straight story out of him. WH probably would have successfully snowed me, "Did I say I had sex with her? No, we were talking about socks! You must have heard the wrong thing, we were talking about running socks."

Skan posted 3/10/2014 14:32 PM

Hey there. I've been thinking about you all weekend and hoping that you were getting a side helping of truth with your shit sandwich. (((hugs)))

This is shocking, I know. Especially the info that you didn't know about. I empathize. When I confronted my FWH (see profile if you want the details), I had no idea nor proof that he had actually had a ONS. Had plenty of other evidence but not that. But I dropped so much stuff on him and shut him down so quickly when he tried to weasel, that he gave it up figuring that it really was his one chance. That revelation dropped me to my knees quite literally.

This is not the time to play nicely with your WH. I am SO proud of you, for seeing that attorney and getting your financial ducks in a row. Read up on the 180 in The Healing Library. Read it again. You've got a good start implementing it by stopping cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., for your WH. Keep on it. Detach, detach, detach. No hugs, no "how was your day," no conversation other than your child or finances or household details that have to be solved. He wants to go play Mr Swinging Single, he doesn't get to come home to a loving and supportive home. Ice berg city. And good on you for exposing he and his OW (plural).

If he makes the decision to not completely commit to R with you, and it looks like he isn't, then please ask your lawyer for advice for as quick of a legal separation as possible, to start disentangling your finances. If your child is under IC for his anxiety, please make an appointment with that IC to let them know exactly what is going on so that they can be a support for your child. And start documenting his drinking. If you're going to R, then AA or another alcoholic program must be a requirement. If he's chooses to not even try, then you want that info for your lawyer and for custody justifications.

This is so very hard. And so very unfair. It really is. He drops the bomb and you are the one left with burned off skin, trying to mitigate the fallout to your children and to yourself. But you are going to have to continue to be strong. Someone here said a real true statement that you have to keep in your mind. It goes something to the effect that the worse thing is not to be divorced and/or a single parent. The worse thing is to be married to someone who keeps you around as Plan B. To be the "spare" in your marriage. (((hugs)))

k94ever posted 3/10/2014 14:45 PM

You can crack a joke. That's a good sign.

I've been here eight years and you are the first BS to go into a field and wait for a piano to fall on you after you JFO'ed.

1. Listen to your lawyer.
2. Read in the Healing Library.
3. Get thee to the Doctor's and get an STD panel done.
4. No sex with WS until AFTER he takes an STD panel and comes back clean.
5. Any evidence you find, copy and keep it in a safe place.
6. Start getting smart about the home finances.
7. IC for both of you.
8. Drink, eat if you can, and exercise.

When you need to, post here.

{{{hugs}}}

k9

tushnurse posted 3/10/2014 15:09 PM

(((castellana)))

You will survive this. You will be amazed a year from now, how much stronger, smarter, and wittier you are.

Follow the Lawyers advice, and start putting you first. Stick with 180. He is clueless and likely to stay that way until his world starts falling apart.

Start quietly making your exit plan, and get ready.

Do see your Dr and get the STD panel done, and if you are struggling with sleep and eating, as most of us did, talk to the Dr about it, and see if they can give you a little pharmaceutical support through this. Personally the less sleep I had the tougher time I had at making good decisions, and keeping my emotions in check.

Keep reading and posting here. We got your back.

(((and strength)))

twisted posted 3/10/2014 15:22 PM

He admitted to the affair. With a totally different woman, a friend. In addition to the one I'd been documenting.

Holy Sheeet! Ain't that a kick in the head. This was in front of the MC?

lastdance posted 3/10/2014 15:27 PM

so happy to know you are ok....we were all so concerned about your well being------listen to your lawyer and take care of yourself...NC and 180....your ex shows no remorse or shame====please get yourself tested for stds and do not let him come bear you....you will survive...................nobody can hurt me without my permission---gandhi

norabird posted 3/10/2014 16:52 PM

Your L sounds great--and so do you!

I think WH is an alcoholic, but not the type prone to blackout. He drinks a bottle of wine + shots of single malt most nights, by himself. Last month he went out partying with a buddy and, drove home wasted and puked in our son's bed. I think for normal people that would be considered a serious low point. But I also loved to have a nice beer or glass of wine for dinner so I'm not sure if I can judge.

There are no gradations of alcoholism and if he doesn't blackout, that does not mean anything. I come from a family of habitual but controlled drinkers, and dinner usually involved a bottle of beer for my dad or a shared bottle of wine between my parents, similar to your beer or wine for dinner; the difference between that behavior, and drinking a bottle alone plus shots?! It's just vast.

I don't think he's actually forgotten any details of the cheating due to alcoholism, btw. But make no mistake that this IS alcoholism.

I am sure you do not have all the details yet and I expect you will be way more disgusted with him by the time this all ends.


((((castellana & kids))))

Breezy150 posted 3/10/2014 18:21 PM

Wow! That had to absolutely painful to your core. I am so sorry, I agree with all of the advice here. You are doing great, I wish I had your strength sometimes. I have done everything except see a lawyer, can't seem to do that one.

(((Castellana))) we are all here for you, and relieved to finally hear from you about how it went.

womaninflux posted 3/10/2014 18:34 PM

IME, he acts like nothing is wrong because he is living in a fantasy world. They also call it the fog. My husband denied his affair the first time I asked him about it. Two years later, I thought something was up. Finally put it all together…he continued to deny til I found more evidence. It took several months for him to come completely clean (and I am not even sure he's really been as honest as he can be about everything).

Just be patient is all I can say…it will pay off at some point. Patient but have boundaries that you can and will enforce. Read up on the 180.

Lyonesse posted 3/10/2014 19:05 PM

I'm so glad you posted again - lots of folks were concerned about you.

Supposedly they only hooked up once, the sex was terrible and they both felt it was a mistake.
Having heard this repeated here from almost every WS when they are first caught, I believe it not at all.

Hurthalo posted 3/11/2014 06:39 AM

I was wondering about this story, I'm glad to hear you are making your way through it.

'The sex wasn't great', 'his/her body wasn't as good as yours' etc etc seem to be textbook bollocks responses out of the cheater's handbook. Also the fact he can't remember abything is rubbish as well. They know full well what they did, and if it wasn't enjoyable, why the hell would they risk their relationships and financial futures over such terrible experiences?

It's akin to paying a prostitute who hates sex, but continuing to pay regular visits?! Who does that?

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 6:40 AM, March 11th (Tuesday)]

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