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Tips for those just finding themselves here

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NewMom0220 posted 3/10/2014 12:10 PM

Hi! I haven't been posting or visiting as much because I've been making lots of progress carving out a future for me and DS. I think I'm finally getting to the fun part where I start to rediscover who I am and what I want for my future. Even though I've made no progress with the D, I can see ahead and I see a big emotional difference for me in the coming year than what I've been through in the last year. My DDay Antiversary just passed and I didn't even realize it until a few days later. I was too busy celebrating my DS' first birthday. Despite all of the shitty things that happened surrounding his birth, it was still an amazing time.

During this time I also found out more info about STBX that before would have sent me reeling. I guess there is/was an OW2, and to be honest, I didn't even care when I heard it. I shrugged it all off as it made absolutely no impact on my life or where DS and I are going as we move forward. I mean there were definately some feelings that were stirred up upon hearing that he was dating and this person was going to help him straighten out his life ( ). So I have thought a lot about how I got to this place of indifference. Where something can just annoy me but not tear me to pieces as it did before.

This is the closest to "happy" that I've been since before DS was born...and I just wanted to share some valuable insight that I learned on this forum while I felt like my whole sky was falling down.

1) No Contact, Crickets, Detach! Seriously....No Contact is different for everyone. I took it to the extreme and blocked STBX from calling or text, had his email go to a separate folder, and sent most of his emails to my atty asking if I had to answer them. If it's about DS, then I answer him. Sometimes I even send him emails with photos and updates about DS since he isn't exactly father of the year.

2) Run it like a business: no emotion when you communicate. Don't show anger, joy, pain, sorrow, resentment...give them nothing. Starve them.

3) Build your army. Don't do this alone. Tell your mom, dad, neighbor, friends, Talk to everyone. The more you talk to them, the more you get outside perspectives that can help you move along and get away from the negativity/toxicity.

4) Take help while you can. There is a shelf life on charity. When I had to move unexpectedly I had so many people offering me help and assistance. I told my sister that I felt like a charity case and she said, "take the help now before they all move on to the next person in need." She was right. And when I started relying on friends and family to help me during this hard spot, the things I was carrying around with me by myself became lighter.

5) Let Go, Let God. This one took me a while to get too...but if you are holding on to ANYTHING with your white knuckles clenched you are probably afraid of what will happen when you let go. Let go! It's ok. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to. And I'm not just referring to your former relationship or your idea of a family. I'm also referring to little things like not going on vacation this year because you have legal bills. Not being able to do X, Y, and Z because your partner isn't there anymore. Let go and you are making room for something new to come into your life. Something you might not even thought, imagined, or dreamed of before.

6)Beware of the well meaning idiots. I've already encountered a few situations where someone informs me of the STBX's FB post or that they saw him out with this person or that person. These experiences have prompted me to tell those close to me (and even some acquaintances) that I just don't want to know. Keep it to yourself.

7)Xanax ( hahahaha....Just kidding! Not really!)

8)The best revenge: there is no revenge. There is no justice. The BEST and ONLY revenge is when you have completely moved on and the EX is just a blip on your radar screen. I know one day he will catch me smiling or laughing and he will feel something inside...maybe not regret...but maybe just annoyed that I was better off without him...but I won't hold my breath. I move forward, onward, and upward because that's where I was headed all along.

I hope that helps someone today. I forgot to add the part about reading books, but CoDependent No More should be required reading for most of us.

Ok...have an awesome day!

(A very tan and relaxed) NewMom0220

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 12:12 PM, March 10th (Monday)]

Gemini71 posted 3/10/2014 12:32 PM

I'm so glad to so you doing so well. This is all fantastic advice. We all need reminding sometimes.

Nomorestrength posted 3/10/2014 12:52 PM

This was great to read. I'm 26 weeks pregnant with my first and we are very close in age. My husband lied about ending his LTA of 4-5 years, still sees her pretty much every day since he moved out, but still doesn't want me to file (or think I will). I know I can't have a life with him, so I have to redraw the plan for my future. And it's extra scary being pregnant.

AlwaysTooNice posted 3/10/2014 13:10 PM

Thank you so much for these tips. I'm still in the beginning stages so it's refreshing to see a concise list and also to hear that I'll survive this and come out okay.

norabird posted 3/10/2014 13:12 PM

Just what I needed! Thank you, happy belated bday to your DS, and keep on being such an inspiration. I'm feeling this post!!!

PhantomLimb posted 3/10/2014 13:27 PM

Just wanted to say hi!!!! Glad to see you back!!!

Wonderful advice all around. Look how far we've come this year! We're awesome...

nowiknow23 posted 3/10/2014 14:36 PM

Great stuff, newmom.

Angeles85 posted 3/10/2014 15:11 PM

Thank you for the tips, they are very helpful :)

caregiver9000 posted 3/10/2014 16:06 PM

awwww, newmom!! I am so proud of you! You give excellent advice from a perspective that can help others. Good for you!

You sound fabulous.

littlefoggy posted 3/10/2014 16:27 PM

Thanks! This is great advice.

NewMom0220 posted 3/11/2014 14:49 PM

Thanks everyone! I finally quit my job and have a few months worth of savings that I'm planning to live off of (while living with my parents). So I have no more ties to my old town except that is where DS' dad (STBX) lives and eventually he will be awarded some kind of custody. So i'm just enjoying the time I have with DS now and taking it all day by day.

I have my temporary hearing on 3/21. Wish me luck.

PhantomLimb- How are you doing? I hope your 1 year Antiversary is as un as uneventful as mine.

dmari posted 3/11/2014 16:45 PM

Not only is the excellent advice but I'm so proud of YOU for posting it!! You have come such a long long way and it sounds like you will continue to zoom forward!

surviving1963 posted 3/12/2014 00:38 AM

You are the voice of experience and wisdom. You obviously have learned a lot and I thank you deeply for sharing. Hugs

Lola7 posted 3/12/2014 07:57 AM

This is a great post and exactly what I needed today. Thanks for taking the time to write it.

WIgirl posted 3/12/2014 09:44 AM

Thank you. Great post.

FaithnMe posted 5/21/2014 08:40 AM

Just saw this post Thank you so much for it. Just now going thru D and I question everything I do. <Crickets> is the hardest part for sure.
I saved this and put it right on my computer to look at daily.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! I admire your strength & attitude!

ButterflyGirl posted 5/21/2014 10:31 AM

Great post! I would copy and paste them all just so people read them again, but how about I just second the motion on #7?

NewMom0220 posted 5/21/2014 13:56 PM

Thanks guys! I'm glad to see this post getting some new life. I just reread it and it's good to have a refresher and remember the things that have helped me thus far.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 5:39 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]

LeftOutintheCold posted 5/21/2014 18:41 PM

Awesome post with great tips and advice. It's all so, so true!! Thanks for sharing!!

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