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brokennewyear posted 3/10/2014 12:11 PM

I found out on New Years about the affair. He denied everything until I found the conversations he had hidden on his phone describing different encounters that they had had. He was even telling me how horrible I was for thinking that he would cheat on me. He was telling her that he loved her and wished thing could be different. I know so much about it and it haunts me daily. He says that he has ended it and was just telling her what she wanted to hear. They were meeting up after work in her car in the parking lot of work. I have asked him to quit his job since she works there if he wants a chance at working on our marriage.
I can't really talk with my family about everything because I don't want them to completely hate him if we do stay together. I am so lost right now. I feel like I am only staying together for my kids.

[This message edited by brokennewyear at 12:39 PM, March 10th (Monday)]

friendincrisis posted 3/10/2014 12:25 PM

I can relate i found videos of my wife with a douchebag that i know I found them on 1/24/2014 they were taken on 1/15/2014 i was devastated but I'm slowly coming to terms with it all we are still togeher but i don't know what the future holds so be strong either way you can get through it the people in this site have helped alot

Jrazz posted 3/10/2014 12:28 PM

Welcome to SI, brokennewyear. I'm so sorry this has happened, but I'm glad you've found us. We're a great group to talk it out with.

Take a deep breath, and know that you're going to be in damage control mode for a while. It's ok to stay for the kids for the moment - or for yourself. Your life was just upended, and making a big change can be scary.

It sounds like your WH is only handing over what information he has been busted with, which doesn't display remorse or intent to make things right... yet. Read through our healing library if you get some time. It's full of resources that many members wish they had ahead of some reactions. We try to help the next person along with our experience as best we can.

For me, it wasn't until I took my infant daughter to my dad's for a week that my FWH realized what he had done - and what he had lost. Practicing the 180 is a good way to build your strength and show your husband that you're not messing around.

The emotions are going to feel like a roller coaster right now and that's completely normal. Drink water - go for walks if you can, and be gentle with yourself. Come talk anything out you need - we're here for you.

(((brokennewyear))) <--- those are hugs

What is the 180 and how does it work?

RollrCoasterRydr posted 3/10/2014 12:42 PM

Sending hugs your way. Hang in there! Stop. Take a deep breath. Take another one if you have to. There's a lot of good advice here. There's a lot of hope here too. Grab tight and hold on.

norabird posted 3/10/2014 12:56 PM

I'm so sorry. Your WH says he has ended things...but do you have access to his phone, the phone bull, his email password, etc? You can't just trust his word, you have to verify there is no contact. It's great you've asked him to look for a new job--is he?

brokennewyear posted 3/10/2014 12:58 PM

Thank you to those that have replied.

I am doing one day at a time but everyday is just so hard. I am still crying everyday. He completely broke me.

brokennewyear posted 3/10/2014 13:40 PM

He does say that he has ended it. He keeps his phone pretty close to him. I don't feel that it matters anyways. He installed a messaging app to talk to her on and then installed another app to hide it on his phone. He is very tech savvy. I didn't even know there were apps to hide other apps.
I haven't asked him for all of his passwords yet. I know that I need to so that I can see if there is more but I just think that if he is, he will setup accounts that I don't know about. His email was logged on the other day and I took the opportunity to look through it. I found an email from the same messaging service that was to confirm a new account. He denies that he set up a new account since cutting it off from her. I want to believe him but I honestly don't. He was insulted that I went through his email when I had the chance.
He has put one resume in that I know of. It is hell for me every night that he goes into work. They work the same shift but are in different areas, different buildings. He tells me that they never see each other. That is hard to trust with how much he was telling her that she meant to him and all that he risked to be with her. I have always told him that cheating was the one reason I would divorce him. I grew up with a parent cheating and had dealt with it in so many other ways. He knew what it would cause and still chose to meet with her.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 3/10/2014 15:32 PM

He does say that he has ended it. He keeps his phone pretty close to him.

I found an email from the same messaging service that was to confirm a new account. He denies that he set up a new account since cutting it off from her. I want to believe him but I honestly don't.

I have always told him that cheating was the one reason I would divorce him. I grew up with a parent cheating and had dealt with it in so many other ways. He knew what it would cause and still chose to meet with her.

You saw proof with your own eyes that he opened a new account with the messaging service. He denied it. You KNOW he is lying. There is no question, hon. I am so sorry. It is so difficult to accept someone we thought loved us is lying to us, but you MUST believe what the actual undisputed evidence before you. The ONLY reason to create a new messaging app is because the affair is still ongoing.

You say you told him cheating was a deal-breaker for you. why are you not taking steps to divorce? At the very minimum, you MUST meet with a lawyer to educate yourself. By doing nothing, and continuing on in limbo, you are showing your husband that:

1. Your boundaries (ie cheating will result in divorce) are non-existant

2. That you will stick around in the face of undisputed evidence he is cheating and lying

3. That he has no consequences.

Your story is riddled with all the sad clichés of men who get caught, insist its over, but continue the affair. please done be one of those ladies who is utterly devastated by a 2nd DDay, when you are faced in a few weeks/months of new proof of the continued affair.

The only way to save the marriage is to be willing to lose it.

MammaMia posted 3/10/2014 15:50 PM

Can you afford a PI? Shop around to find a good one. If you can afford one, hire him/her.
It will be the best money you ever spent and you will have all the proof you need as to whether they took the affair underground.

He will provide you with a report, a DVD and pictures as well. Prepare yourself for your H to explode for not trusting him and or resorting to a PI but who cares? He earned the right not to be trusted. Ask the PI to give you duplicates of everything; safe keep one set and shove the other in your H's face once you ask him questions and he lies to your face. If he destroys the one set, you always have the second one.

It will be a good idea to have copies of whatever evidence you uncovered so far. Make copies of emails, messages, or forward them to yourself. It is good to have solid proof just in case you need it.
Good luck to you

craig2001 posted 3/10/2014 15:56 PM

People who are not hiding things and lying do not use apps to hide apps and they do not get all kinds of different locked email addresses.

He obviously has something to hide.

Is this OW married?

Is he late coming home from work ever. I will assume he was late coming home from work before you found out.

Can you just happen to show up at his work after work and watch what he does. Take a picture of him with her.

brokennewyear posted 3/10/2014 21:41 PM

I can not afford a PI. I wish I could.

She is not married, no kids. She is physically all that he had ever been interested in before me. I am nothing like his "dream girl".
He is coming home late just like he was before when he was spending time with her. He tells me that it is work this time. They work third shift and I have 2 kids that are fast asleep. I have thought so many times about loading them up in the car and sitting in that parking lot.

lastdance posted 3/10/2014 22:29 PM

yes do it,,find a friend to go with you so he will not recognize the to a friend and have them follow him---call the place where he works and try to find out about hours....find out where she lives...look up this member here in her story,,,,,we can all learn from her----follow her thread...she rocks

brokennewyear posted 3/10/2014 22:45 PM

I want to believe that he did end it but there are so many things that are telling me that he hasn't. He hasn't quit his job, he continues to work with her 5 days a week, the new account confirmation, the still working late. He swears he doesn't want to be with her and that it was a mistake. With as much as he hid from me, how am I suppose to take his word for anything? I know that I can't. I know I don't trust him at all. He was lying to my face and even said that he would never cheat on me. That I meant too much to him and I insulted him by accusing him of cheating. This was the New Years Eve night when he was trying to leave me to go pick up a drunk male friend from work. But he was trying to go pick her up cus she was drunk and at another guys house. He kept telling me that they were just friends and I had nothing to worry about. The next day I took his phone while he was still asleep and started talking to her and found out the truth. He has never told me the truth. Only dealt with the truths that I have found time and time again.

Jrazz posted 3/13/2014 00:10 AM

how am I suppose to take his word for anything?

You're not. Period.

He's hoping you will, and he's going to treat you like you're crazy for not believing his words. That's on him. This is a crash course in not letting someone else knit a reality around you.

Trust your gut. Don't take his word for it, and when he throws a tantrum tell him that this type of response isn't going to get him what he wants. When he proves he's ready to do what it takes to save this marriage (see: action) then he can talk. For now, you don't have to buy a THING he's selling.

Stay strong.


Katz13 posted 3/13/2014 16:17 PM

My WH also had an affair with his coworker. I didn't sleep or eat until he got another job. I'd also recommend stalking him at lunch breaks. They had sex in her car during lunch. This way he wouldn't come home late and make me suspicious.
Look into the 180 at least until he reveals it all. Much support to you. It all is total crap.

k94ever posted 3/13/2014 17:43 PM


"When people tell you who they are, believe them."

And I'm sorry..... but for whatever reason, when I see your name I see it as "brokenunderwear".

You've seen the truth.

Believe it.



brokennewyear posted 3/15/2014 13:01 PM

They were having sex in her SUV after work. He was telling me that they were buried at work the whole time. They were leaving work separate and meeting up in a close by parking lot. I never thought twice about it. Never checked pay stubs never checked phone, call log on phone bill. Didn't suspect anything. He keeps telling me that we need him to have this job until he can find another. I have tried to explain to him that with this job, we may lose our marriage. How long before they start to think its ok to be friends and start talking again? How long before this all happens again? He was telling her he loved her and wished things could be different. He tells me that he didn't mean it and he was just saying what she wanted to hear. He was willing to lose everything for her. How am I supposed to forgive that?

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