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One day at a time :(

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Angeles85 posted 3/10/2014 12:57 PM

Well it has been a little bit over 9 weeks since DDay. Sometimes I feel like it happened yesterday and sometimes when I remember all the pain I feel like it has been years and I'm a completely different person now. The roller coaster of emotions is not as crazy as it used to be...I still cry and remember every single detail every day but I am finally accepting that it is over and that is my biggest pain. Knowing that a part of me is gone and that our "perfect" relationship is not happening anymore, that I am alone again, that my best friend/lover/boyfriend is no longer sleeping next to me is heartbreaking but I realized that I have no choice than stand up, pick up the pieces of me and move on.
Last week Monday the OW showed up in my office asking for her job back. YES!! She had the nerves!! She was out of the company for 18 months because she claimed she got hurt and claimed workers comp...we all knew it wasn't true but there wasn't much my boss could do. Now she said she is ready to come back and even though my boss doesn't want to hire her back I think legally he has to...anyway it was a low blow. I will need to quit my job
Some baby steps:
-I take a shower everyday again...TMI? sorry I'm being honest, for the last 9 weeks I didn't even wanted to get up from bed.
-I started doing exercise (hiking)
-For the first time, I went to a restaurant by myself
-For the first time I went to the movies by myself
-I went to a bar after 3 years...it wasn't great but I had a good time
-I was able to drink 1 margarita after 6 months (it was scary because after 2 sips I got a TERRIBLE headache!) anybody knows why?

It is still hard to socialize but I can be around people now. I'm still scared of being alone my whole life, scared I will never fall in love again or that man will ever love me....thanks I just wanted to share.

norabird posted 3/10/2014 13:09 PM

It's okay to be afraid. But our fears are so much worse than the reality. You will make new friends and find a new love...most importantly, you will grow a new love for yourself. You will become whole and healed again.

I'm now over four months out from my first DDay and my relationship with my ex has been over for almost two months. I still think about him, still wish he could have stepped up, still am hurt by his actions and yearn to hear from him, still sometimes just cry over it...but not at all to the degree as before. Keep getting out of bed and going hiking, start looking around for new jobs, get out to meetup events and socialize, and day by day you'll walk into the new life that is waiting for you.

Angeles85 posted 3/10/2014 15:03 PM

Thanks Norabird,
"still wish he could have stepped up"
You are very right when you say this, I feel exactly the same way but I want to believe god wanted it this way so later on we will thank them for not stepping up.

dreamlife posted 3/10/2014 16:28 PM

(((huge hugs))

Dreamboat posted 3/10/2014 16:34 PM

You are making good progress. All of the things you listed that you have done are hard. The sound easy, until you are in the grips of trauma. But even though you were scared you pushed yourself and you DID them!

And I totally understand the shower thing

(((hugs)))

hope2014 posted 3/10/2014 19:46 PM

((hugs))

Angeles85 posted 3/11/2014 11:28 AM

Thank u all for the support and the virtual hugs.

Caretaker1 posted 3/15/2014 23:35 PM

I went through the same process. The Stbx is already planning hernext walk down the aisle and was in a committed relationship after 9 weeks after separation. I am stronger and realized its a process. Two steps forward and sometimes 3 back, but each day I realize I am worth it. I have NEVER been in a relationship yet alone a marriage that was this toxic. Screw her. She's messed up and I will never not trust my gut again. We have children. It would be so easy to let this one go, but with kids I'm having to deal with this adulterer the rest of my life.

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 11:36 PM, March 15th (Saturday)]

sparkysable posted 3/16/2014 00:09 AM

You are only at 9 weeks. Shit, at 9 weeks I was still laying on the floor in the fetal position, wailing in agony! I was a hot flaming mess for a good straight year. I'd say you're doing damn good.

HurtsButImOK posted 3/16/2014 02:09 AM

I don't even remember 9 weeks out. Pretty sure I was going through the motions at work and crying myself into a puddle. Plus losing my dignity contacting him periodically.

You are doing fantastically well. Keep moving forward. One day it wont be such a chore.

Ps - totally understand the shower comment. Just getting out of bed was a win for me.

Caretaker1 posted 3/16/2014 03:31 AM

No I'm not at 9 weeks. Year out but within the first 9 weeks she was in someone else's bed and telling the kids about step dads and siblings. Still not divorced yet. She was cruel and manipulative to live with and continues.

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 3:33 AM, March 16th (Sunday)]

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