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Supporting a BS Friend

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WhatHaveIDone?? posted 3/10/2014 12:59 PM

While I read regularly, I don't often post much but find myself in a situation where I need some SI input.

A friend of mine told me she just found out her H was having an A. I want to be there to support her in any way I can, but feel a bit like a fraud trying to do so (she doesnt know I am a WW). Anyone been in a similar situation? How did you work thru it and support your friend?

On the flip side, her WH and his AP are also acquaintances. I clearly donít condone what they have done, but it feels hypocritical judging them - not wanting to be around them, my family around them, etc. Anyone been there?

I am still processing all this myself, but appreciate any insight from the SI family.

Deeply Scared posted 3/10/2014 15:05 PM


I want to be there to support her in any way I can, but feel a bit like a fraud trying to do so (she doesnt know I am a WW

I was recently in this situation with a friend that I love dearly. We were vacationing up in the Hill Country and she and I were talking when she blurted out that she and her H had split up and he moved out due to him visiting strip clubs and on many occasions, him not coming home until the next day. This happened prior to us meeting them (about 12 years ago) and they do not know I cheated.

I was however able to talk to her about what she went through without feeling like a total liar or fraud. Mostly because I wasn't lying about anything, I just made sure to share how I would feel about things if I were in that situation and why I feel boundaries are especially important in a marriage.

I think you can support your friend and offer her comfort and guidance coming from a place of how you would handle things if you were in her shoes.

WhatHaveIDone?? posted 3/10/2014 17:11 PM

Thanks DS.

That is how I am approaching. I guess it just feels awkward since how I think I would respond is skewed by my past. At the end of the day, I will always be honest with her - just feels strange.

knightsbff posted 3/10/2014 22:40 PM

I was in the same sitch just a few months after dday. I posted here about it too because I was feeling weird about it. On the one hand I had learned so much about helping a (my) BS to heal from SI, and books and IC. I was able to empathize with her more than many people could because I had been working hard to understand a BS' pain. On the other hand I wasn't at liberty to share my story and I felt dishonest supporting her because I wasn't sure she would want anything to do with me if she knew.

SI members advised me to keep supporting her as her friend and keep my story private as my BH wished, knowing that if the story ever came out she may not want me as a friend anymore. That would be my consequence and I could accept it.

I was able to do that. I also told her about SI without revealing that I'm a member. She may well know I'm on here, but if so she has never let on.

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