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Prester posted 3/10/2014 13:30 PM

Wall of text incoming.

On thanksgiving of last year, my wife cried to me in our bed that she wasnt happy in our marriage. We had been drifting apart for a time, and she was finally admitting that she felt nothing for me.

Two days later, I took her out for her birthday celebration. I had invited some of her co workers and friends, and we all met at a bar for drinks. 2 hours later, I looked frantically around the bar for my wife, and her close co worker. I ended up finding out they were in the womens room together.

I walked to my truck, and sat inside shaking. 10 minutes later, her two friends helped her to my truck and I drove the 4 of us home. One of her friends had a better view of them leaving the bathroom. And I confronted her about what she saw. After a fight with her, I left the house and went to stay with a relative. I needed to process.

I returned two days later, ready to accept, forgive and hopefully rebuild trust. During that conversation she denied everything, saying he just helped her while she was feeling sick, and that she knew it looked bad.

I believed her, and left the conversation feeling foolish.

Either way, I had thought that some of my inactions in our relationship had driven her to an affair. Whether or not it had happened I was determined to make changes and show her more affection.

A month later, she asked me for a separation. She said that my new efforts hurt her after so much time without, and she needed to figure out her feelings. I graciously agreed, thinking it was the only hope for us.

After two months, nothing had changed. I would go see her on weekends sometimes and we would fight. She would say she wasnt even close to figuring it out. But I was resolved to be patient.

Last week, I went over to make her dinner for when she got home from work. I like to go into the bedroom and see if she keeps the loving notes i leave her by the bedside.

Instead I found a pill bottle with some pot in it. It had her co workers name on it. I immediately was suspicious. Her tablet was also on the nightstand. I opened up her Gmail and found a slew of emails from him and her. Face pics. Shoe pics(apparently he has a foot fetish). Plans as to when they could meet. They even discussed me. Sometimes mockingly.

I forwarded them to myself and left. I left a note saying it must have been hard for her to reconnect while she was sleeping with her co worker.

I was so angry at her Co worker, I wanted revenge. But I didnt take it. I thought a couple days. After I thought about it, I realized that me coming to know was a horrible thing. But not knowing was worse. No one deserves that.

I sent him an email, notifying him of my intention to notify his wife. Her and I have since spoken, and she told me she has caught them a number of times. They have two children and one of them is also aware of the situation. I learned he has told her twice it was over, before the new year. But for 2 months it continued.

My wife and I have chatted online and texted. I dont know if Im ready to see her in person. The anger still comes over me when I think about certain parts of it. She told me it was only kissing. For 3 months? If she lied to cover it up in the first place, why wouldnt she lie to hide the severity?

I have come to accept what happened. And think I can even forgive her for it. But how can I ever trust her again? She still intends to work with him, citing that they do work well together on a small team. It was hard for her to find her job, and she does make more money than me. I can't ask her to leave her job knowing how adversely that would affect us financially, and probably end the marriage anyways.

How can I ever know that she isnt screwing around at work with him? We live 3 miles apart. There are so many convenient excuses for them to cross paths.

She is saying all the right things to me now. She told me it started before thanksgiving. He had approached her, and she agreed. She told me it was finished. She answered all my questions about anything i asked. But how can I find it in myself to trust her again. She had the chance to spare my feelings when I actually caught them. And she made me feel like an idiot for even questioning it. I was already hurt then. Why wouldnt she just tell me then? She said it was to spare my feelings.

The lie to continue the affair, the asked for separation, her having two months alone in our house with him sneaking over...It is all so much to handle.

How can I decide if I can trust her again after a betrayal like that?

And if I were to decide to want to try again, how do I handle the idea of them still working together?

When do I say, I'm worth more than this?

Any advice is helpful.

hope2014 posted 3/10/2014 14:06 PM


Trust your instincts. If you suspect that she is still cheating, trust your gut. She should be able to provide you proof or provable reassurance that she is being faithful if she is.

MediumRare posted 3/10/2014 14:07 PM

Sorry you find yourself here, brother. This is the best group of people you never wanted to meet.

My guess is the affair has simply been taken underground. Your contact with the other BS caused extra caution now and part of that with cheaters is to say all the right things, pretend it's over then take it underground deeper and darker.

Unless you put a GPS on her car and keyloggers on all her devices, you can pretty much bet the affair is still on.

Unless you want to share your wife with this pencil dicked loser co-worker, you need to start getting in touch with your anger and start making some demands. There is NO hope for R unless your WS is truly remorseful, ready to anything to protect the marriage, becomes completely transparent (access to ALL phones, tablets, passwords, etc.), IC, MC and she goes NC with the OM. i.e. transfer, change shifts, change groups or even give up the job to find a new one if necessary. Unfortunately, these are the impacts of married people jumping on dicks to "fix" their marriage. That's like saying Bombing for Peace...

You'll read here that sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. You cannot "nice" back in a cheating spouse, it often times only strengthens their affair. Demand what you need to heal and serve her divorce papers to let her know you mean it (even if you do not wish to divorce, it is a long process and you can stop any time if things improve), etc. etc. Read the healing library here and also look for the 180. I'd recommend that immediately.

Most importantly, take care of YOU. While your wife's head is up this other man's ass, make sure YOU become your new 100% focus. Drink plenty of water, get more rest than usual, don't be afraid of asking your doctor for meds if you have trouble eating, sleeping or functioning, perhaps pick up some light reading ("Not Just Friends" comes to mind..). This is a roller coaster and you can get through it. We're all here on your side.

Good luck!

Prester posted 3/10/2014 14:17 PM

I did go through her email again today. She has not given me the password, but i reset it to look. There was one email from him asking about work, and no response from her. Doing that, felt shitty. But I feel like I need to know. I wrote her a message, telling her what I had done, that I wasnt proud of it, but that I need to know for me, how deep this betrayal goes.

I emailed him telling him I had found the email, and that I expect no contact again, ever. If there was, he would be responsible for her divorce because of that action. I don't know if Im hoping he cares enough about her to let her make that decision on her own.

I'm not even sure a GPS would work. They work together, and have been concealing it from His wife, who knew.

LAFA posted 3/10/2014 14:53 PM

Sorry you have to be here brother, but you have found a great place for support. One of the first things that strikes me as wrong is that she is there in your house with plenty of opportunity to continue cheating. Move back home. If she still wants to be separated, she can get her cheating, unremorseful ass out of there. She is knifing you, and seems quite pleased with herself doing it. You may not be able to stop the affair, but you can damn sure put a stop to unwittingly supporting it. You deserve far better treatment than that level of disrespect, and you must stand up for yourself and end at least that aspect of the nightmare. Treat yourself well in the usual ways, keep eating as best you can, stay hydrated with lots of water, and get to a doctor. At minimum, you need a full STD panel, and perhaps some medication for anxiety and depression. Please keep posting and stay close to SI. Many wonderful folks are here to help.

craig2001 posted 3/10/2014 15:40 PM

You need to be back in your own home. You not living in your own home while she uses it as her playpen is ridiculous.

Second of all, stop feeling bad about snooping and stop telling your wife that you did snoop. You are just going to cause them to find other ways to communicate.

The mocking you part is hard to get over and it seems your wife has no clue of the seriousness of what she has done and is doing.

Do not blame yourself for anything you did in the past. Your wife has had enough time to talk to you like an adult about any problems in the marriage before this started.

And it is amazing how only after an affair has started does the WS suddenly find so many tiny faults in their spouse.

Stop showing her affection that is not returned.
Stop being patient. It is time for you to put your foot down and gain control over your life and marriage or this could go on for years.

Did you ever talk to this guys wife. I think you wrote that only your wife told you she has caught them. Do not believe what your wife says.

And maybe it is time your wife find another job.

norabird posted 3/10/2014 16:45 PM

I'm so sorry. You say you are worth more than this right now.

You've been trying to nice her back. That's pretty normal, but not good for you.

You can't decide to trust her yet as much as you want to be able to patch this together right away. Time and watching her actions are your only friends now--otherwise you can rush ahead only to be hurt again. At the very leasts he is still lying to you (TT--trickle truth), because just kissing? And she was living separately? And he is a serial cheater?! Please. Her lies are not about sparing you from hurt, either--just about protecting her won ass.

See a lawyer and get information on what D would look like because knowledge is power. stop making concessions to her and trying to show her how good you will be to her, how understanding.

You are the only one who deserves your focus right now. Stop wondering if you can trust her right now and accept that you just can't, for your own well-being. You can have a life without her and both you and she need to know that.

Prester posted 3/10/2014 17:57 PM

I did talk to his wife. I sent him an email at first telling him I was going to tell her and that she deserved to know.

I left a phone message on their home phone, not with details, just that she should call me. Then I emailed him to be certain. I said if I didnt receive a call, I would continue to call the house until I spoke to her.

She called me that night. She had caught them in December a few times. She found his texts and then home emails. She thought I knew, because by the time she was going to tell me, I had moved out. He promised her twice it was over.

I told her about the new email, and she said my wife must have set it up for him. Looking back at their emails she was right. So he clearly was never serious in his apologies or promises to change.

She confirmed that he had said it was just kissing. But clearly, this could be a planned story. Looking back over the emails, I don't see any references to actual sexual acts except kissing. Just things like "I want you to snuggle me, or not!" Never anything about sex or the act. They did both talk about how they missed kissing.
In one email, he asked for "Kissing + ?" and she said only kissing in her response.

I know that the betrayal is the same. But for some reason I believe her about it. Why stop there? What did she get out of it? Emotional cheating? It goes beyond that.

Even if I get her to agree to NC with him, what could that entail? They work together, and her ability to leave that job is a very slim margin. That job market it very tough.

I do agree with her when she says, nothing can happen between them if she doesn't agree. But she has agreed in the past. And he has clearly pursued this past his own promises of that.

Still so sad and confused about everything...

craig2001 posted 3/10/2014 18:15 PM

Is this what you saw them doing in the women's room the night of that party?

I dont really get kissing and kissing +, sort of sounds like high school. And you are right, why stop there.

Do you live with her in the house now? If not you need to.

As for NC, what has she said about that. NC in my case was laughable anyway. You need to be able to have full access to her email, phone, computer etc.

Do you even know if she goes out with him after work?

Your wife needs to understand what she is doing is serious. She acts like it is no big deal, the OM acts like it is no big deal.

Is the OM wife mad, angry or upset?

BPhoenix posted 3/10/2014 19:08 PM

I don't see why you should be the one to leave the house. She cheated so she can pack her bags until she's ready to fully commit to R. With my WH I saw a lot of messages between him and other women that would start out innocent and he would do what your OM is doing- asking for hugs then kisses and lots of flirting until he got his way and got sex. If they haven't already had sex it would have lead to it eventually.

If she won't find a new job then she is still holding onto what they have. I'm sorry you're here Prester.

Prester posted 3/10/2014 19:48 PM

I did not open the door the night of her party. I saw that it was closed, listened and heard no talking, and walked away.

I am moving back in tomorrow. I told her that I graciously had allowed her to continue this charade with my back turned. So if she wants it to continue, she can find her own place for that.

Tonight we talked on the phone. I told her I didnt know if I could ever trust her again, but for that to even begin to happen, she needed to be totally transparent with every form of communication. She did agree to that telling me she understood why.

I also informed her that she would need to tell him about the NC. She told me she told him today it was over. I asked that she tell him absolutely no outside contact whatsoever. No calls, no texts, no secret emails, not even a wave in public.

She has agreed to total transparency and NC. And I didnt give her a choice on me moving back into the house, but I believe she would have agreed as well.

As for his wife, she still seemed in disbelief to me. Maybe because this was the third time. She didnt know how she was going to act after finding out again. She asked me for the emails, and I told her I would send them and she had every right to see them, but that there is no peace to be found there. She said she agreed and asked not to see them. We exchanged numbers so we can stay in contact about potential issues that have come up.

I dont know if she will leave to still try to figure out her feelings. I dont know if there can be a successful R. But I sure as hell am not going to stay away from my home, knowing what she did. I left as a courtesy. She doesnt deserve my courtesy at the moment.

craig2001 posted 3/10/2014 20:12 PM

Congrats, you are taking control and laying out how things are going to be.

I hope your wife gets out of the fog and back into reality. Does your wife know that this is the 3rd time that this guy has gone out with other women. Sounds like a real predator to me.

Brandon808 posted 3/10/2014 20:24 PM

I can't ask her to leave her job knowing how adversely that would affect us financially, and probably end the marriage anyways.
Then she's choosing her job over her marriage and that, imho, means the M is over.

Prester posted 3/10/2014 20:24 PM

This was the third time he told his wife it was over with her.

My wife says she didnt know he had told her that at all. But she did know that his wife had found some stuff out.

chessbug posted 3/10/2014 21:10 PM

I am new to this. Not sure what to say. I lost my youngest son (24) (his stepson) in Nov. Instead of being there to console me, STBXH decided to admit that he has been sleeping with hookers UNPROTECTED for the last 14-15 years of our 19 year marriage. Now says he is SA. I don't care.

FF 2 months and now he wants to get help and make things work. He actually thought he had a connection with one of them. Said she was just trying to make money for her 3 daughters' Christmas gifts. LOL

ME 58

IsthereEVERanend posted 3/10/2014 22:05 PM

I will never fathom that a person that professes to love their husband will lie like a damned rug time and time again with nothing to be gained but a few furtive moments of 'pleasure' and not feel two seconds of guilt.
OP, you are doing the right thing but prepare your a**s. ( ) for the diddling of your life.
I wish you the best of luck and my thoughts are with you.

[This message edited by IsthereEVERanend at 10:10 PM, March 10th (Monday)]

craig2001 posted 3/11/2014 00:24 AM

Then she's choosing her job over her marriage and that, imho, means the M is over.

Brandon, I have to disagree, in this economy, losing a job can mean living in the car, losing your home, etc.

But there are many other things she could and should be doing at this time.

stronger08 posted 3/11/2014 03:55 AM

IDK my man. It sounds to me like you have been given a much diluted version of what actually happened. And it seems that same diluted story has been fed to his BW as well. Its very common for cheaters to collude on a story in case they get caught. And naturally that story is minimized to the hilt. Simple rule of thumb when dealing with a cheater is to multiply what they tell you by ten. So if she admits to only kissing you can bet your ass that she slept with him. Most likely multiple times. And being they work together only makes the opportunity to sneak away for a quick romp that much more likely. What she needs to give you in order to attempt R is verifiable proof of what she is admitting to. Its very easy for cheaters to simply open a secret e-mail, FB account or any other means of communication behind your back. Keep in mind that a cheater has lost their right to privacy if they want to R.

What you need to do brother is to dig a bit deeper, press her a bit more and get to most of the truth. I believe that 100% honesty is unattainable when dealing with infidelity. There are rare cases when it happens, but more often then not its not something that's realistic. Most WS tend to TT (trickle truth) They do it for a variety of reasons from claiming to want to spare you from more hurt to covering their own asses. But if you can get 80% of what actually happened it gives you a pretty good idea of what went on. The reason I say this is because you need to know the truth in order to make an informed decision. It happens here so many times when a BS thinks they know the story and attempts to R only to find out months later it was much worse then they imagined. And that just brings you right back to the beginning and wastes so much of your precious time. Best to get as much info as you possibly can before you jump into R. And don't be afraid to use unconventional methods to get it either. Gather what you can and then sit yourself down and think, I mean really think about what happened and if this is something you can actually forgive and move ahead from. While its entirely possible to forgive and move on from infidelity the plain fact is it never goes away. Its always there like an 800lb Gorilla in the room. So you really need to reflect on what happened before you offer R.

Also I do understand that financial well being is a concern. But her steadfast refusal to leave her job is a big red flag. And her comment about them working well as a team is another red flag. We all see how well they worked as a team and what it led up to. A true remorseful WS would not be so quick to make a stand about working with the AP. A better solution would be for her to continue working but inform you when she has to deal with him. All the while she should look for another job. Them working together only multiplies the chances of the A starting up again. It may be weeks, months or even a year or two. But they will give into temptation sooner or later. And lets face it your comfort level will be around zero as long as they have continued contact. Best to cut all contact in my book. I also think you need to read up on the difference between remorse and regret. To me she sounds more regretful then remorseful. She regrets getting caught versus being actually remorseful for what she has done to you and the family. Watch her actions in the upcoming weeks. If she is serious she will do just about anything it takes to make things better. Remember talk is cheap right now. And whatever you do don't make any deals or negotiate with her. Infidelity is emotional terrorism and we all know you don't negotiate with terrorists. Don't let her sweep this under a rug or rush to stop dealing with it. Its also very common for a WS to threaten D to get you to shut the fuck up about their cheating. Don't fall for that either. It only shows fear and if you do she will pick up on it and walk all over you. And don't allow her to make you the keeper of her dirty secrets. Remorse begins with accepting ones wrongs and admitting them. If you need to inform or speak to another about her A she needs to be on board with that. You have just started this journey and it takes a very long time to heal. Don't rush that and don't be rushed by her either. First thing you need to do is get as much of the truth as you can. Then make an informed decision as to what you want to do. Remember she caused this and can not and should not blame any of her A on you. Be prepared for anything including D. This will probably get worse before it gets better, so preparation for all scenarios is always a good idea. Welcome, keep reading and posting. We are here for you brother.

Prester posted 3/11/2014 06:00 AM

It's not that she has refused to leave her job. I haven't asked. I know how difficult the actual job switch would be. Her quitting is not an option for us. And a job hunt could not result in an instantaneous job switch anyways, due to the nature of her job.

Either way, if I could go through with an attempted rebuild, they will be working together for part of it. If it came down to it and that was a deal breaker, I would have to ask her to leave her job or end the marriage.

I think in a perfect world she where she could go get a very comparable job tomorrow, I would ask with no hesitation. But that is a luxury I don't believe we have.

annb posted 3/11/2014 06:18 AM

Prester, my WH had a great career at D-Day. Had been with the same company for 25 years, great benefits, great salary.

OW worked for the same a site 3,000 miles across the country. There was no way in hell I'd even tolerate professional emails. NC meant NC. Period.

It took my WH almost nine months to find another job...but he did, a better job with less commute time.

It will be impossible to R if she still works that closely with him. Can she at least try to transfer to another department or different location.

You will be tormented every day knowing they are working side by side. Not a good way to move forward IMO. Both your wife and OM are not trustworthy.

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