SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

MMM1 posted 3/10/2014 14:26 PM

I found out my husband was having an affair of two years through a text spyware app. He had been denying it for the entire month of January even though my gut was telling me otherwise. He fessed up, huge mistake, didnt know who he was but I am the love his life blah,blah, blah. Anyway, he is very vague over details ( I know better than to press for the sexual part) but I am obsessed with the day to day texts. He is very dimsiive and says its not important now. I have since bought a powerful device that can retrieve old text messages...I tried a few days ago and he caught me on the computer( thought he was sleeping) any way last night I tried again he changed his cell phone passcode. He refuses to give it to me. Does not want to hurt me further with what he considers "nonsense"...I told him we can do it together..He refuses. I just feel an incredible need to see their day to chatter. I have since kicked him out. Help?

hope2014 posted 3/10/2014 14:28 PM

(((hugs)))

If he's unwilling to give you access to his cell phone and internet accounts, he is either not ready to R and/or the A is still continuing. He should not be dictating to you what information or support that you need to heal.

craig2001 posted 3/10/2014 15:44 PM

Tell him if it is not important or nonsense, then he should have no problems showing you everything.

It is obvious he is embarrassed about the texts. But that is too bad.

When he tells you that they are not important, tell him they are too you.

And two years is a long time for anything to not be important.

Do you know who this OW even is?

tushnurse posted 3/10/2014 15:57 PM

You kicked him out? Good for you! Far too many of s aware too weak early on to demand the respect we deserve. He has to man up and let you have complete and total access to everything. If he can't give you that he can't R. It's really that simple.
I know it hurts like hell. But you are actually ding the thing that may bring him to his senses and if it doesn't honestly you are better off without him.
Keep reason keep posting. Se a lawyer and be strong

((( and strength))))

norabird posted 3/10/2014 16:57 PM

I'm glad you kicked him out, there is no way he gets to hide away his phone information. We all know what THAT means. He is trying to rugsweep, and probably to keep you AND the OW. I highly doubt he actually has ended anything. If he is dismissing your concerns after hurting you this much, he does not deserve you at all--you are worth so much more than this. ((((hugs))))

MMM1 posted 3/10/2014 17:16 PM

Yes, the OW started as a friend that he eventually ended up giving her golf pointers then hired her. I used to refer to her as his " girlfriend" because he talked about her all the time. I just never thought he would do this to me. Married 26 and together 32. My heart is broken...

inmisery1 posted 3/10/2014 17:37 PM

I'm so sorry you're here. It's like living in a nightmare. I've been married for almost 26, together for 29. It sounds like he could still be in contact with her, that may be why he doesn't want you in the phone. After DDay1, (he was supposedly NC) my H switched OW name with one of his work contacts, so if she called or texted another name popped up. I needed to see everything too, I didn't know who he was anymore and I wanted to see who I'm dealing with.

undonelife posted 3/10/2014 18:07 PM

If he has an Iphone & has backed his phone up to itunes with his computer or laptop you don't need his phone. Doesn't matter about the passcode. Most of those recovery programs will recover from the computer. I used DrFone software in fWH computer & I got pictures & texts. Just be prepared for what u see. It can be painful. There'll be sexual detail. I was able to get all 3 months of affair texts almost a year after it started. This program May work for other phones as well. Google it & see what computers/phones it supports. Unfortunately I didn't get to save them. Make sure you save them onto a stick or print them out if you need proof.

jb3199 posted 3/10/2014 18:21 PM

Sorry that you are here. And while I know that you are devastated, you have to believe us when we tell you that it gets better.

It is unfathomable how our spouses can do this to the ones that they proclaim to love the most. But they do...just as your husband showed. His changing the passcode, and refusal to give it to you, is also very common---for an unremorseful person. It is good that you kicked him out. As much as it hurts, and as much as you may be second guessing yourself, please rest assured that you did the right thing. You are holding him accountable for his actions, and it is CRITICAL that you do not waver from your consequences. Letting him back in the house, without him openly complying to your needs, will only prolong your hurt. You have to realize and accept the real possibility that your husband might not give you important information....and be willing to leave the marriage instead of facing his actions. Will you accept that?

Don't settle for less than what you deserve---a caring, honest spouse, who will put your needs in front of his. If he isn't freely willing to do this, then you don't have much to work with. The 32 years together, regretfully, means absolutely nothing...besides a fair stake in divorce proceedings...if your husband doesn't treat you like you deserve.

His talk is just that---talk. It is his actions that will speak volumes, and unfortunately, is not positive. He is not remorseful.

Hopefully that will change.

Keep reading and posting. There is so much that you will learn here. Good luck.