Who was this person that I had become?
Passive, anxious and just plain dumb.
I tried to hang on though the rope was quite thin.
I looped my fingers around it, held tight and fought with all my might, bracing for the end.
Would the end be today, tomorrow or next year? Who knew? I had to play it by ear.
That wasnít easy as the song would change each day. Today itís a fight song, tomorrow a love song and then, the music would stop. Sometimes, the silence would comfort me and sometimes, it scared me. I just never knew when the hammer would drop.
Were we going back to the Ďoldí us? The normal, life is good couple? Or were you just having a moment of guilt or remorse?
I tried to analyze your every move, understand how you felt, wonder what would be your next course.
Oh, you gave me some hope every once in a while,
threw me a bone and I devoured it like a ten-course meal.
Not knowing if this would be your last effort or act of sympathy, why did I not stand firm and be the person who was inside of me?
That person, that woman is confident and strong. She is the one who takes charge and makes rights of things gone wrong.
But this time, it wasnít so easy. My heart was crushed and you couldnít or wouldnít see me and my pain. You were the one who had to help with the repair. But, you were also the one who put the knife in there.
How does that work? Being the one who injured me, devastated me and now has to help? It doesnít make much sense. You really didnít care how my heart felt.
I had to reach inside and find that strength. It was there, buried deep down. I realized that no one could make me better except me, I alone could decide to cope. That woman who is strong, the one who has hope, she is amazing and she is me. My life has changed but it hasnít destroyed me.
I see that I would be alright if I had to be on my own. Itís not what I would want but it feels good to know, the worry and pain will pass and I will continue on with life, the star of my own show. I am a strong, confident and kind person. I know this now. Life has shown me this and it is up to me to remember it daily.
I see now that taking care of myself, being true to myself is the only way. I cannot and will not allow the same mistakes to be made. Not just yours, but mine, too. Sometimes love isnít enough; we also need to have, honesty, respect and trust. If we canít have all of those, then we canít have us.
[This message edited by feelingfoolish at 2:51 PM, March 10th (Monday)]
H-45y M-12 yrs
06.30.12-- full PA with 24y ho-worker
08.16.12 DDay #2-are you f**king kidding me?
07.21.13-Dday #3-filed for divorce the next day
R #2-hopeful but cautious.