Oof. I was browsing through my gmail and saw the saved record of a chat with my exWNF from the week before DDay. We had had a tough past week because, who woulda thought, when one person starts to date/sleep with someone else it puts real strains on both partners. The night before we had had a big fight where he threw tons of crazy things in my face, about my career largely, all out of nowhere. I was really trying to make sense of it the next day, explaining how I thought he was seeing things wrong, trying to reassure him about his place in my life. He went through the whole conversation as if we were just having normal tensions, as if he was still committed to being with me; when he knew what a lie that was. I look back and I see so much genuine love and confusion and hurt on my side, and on his...just cowardice, fear.
I am getting closer to understanding this stuff about NC needing to be internal as well as external--dwelling on this only brings the hurt up freshly. I hadn't been revisiting it as much lately but I guess sometimes I just feel the pull to look back. I'm happy it's getting further in the rear view, yet somehow not done
I am hoping this is just part of the mourning process. I DO want to mourn it and not just refuse to feel the feelings when they arise.
It's just sad to compare my authenticity to his. I slip into that 'HOW could he be that way?' even though now I know the answer is just that he is.
As I'm writing about it I realize it's part of the past though, and I feel a bit more at peace. I don't have to deal with his issues anymore. I don't have to try to accommodate him. I don't have to twist myself around and put huge amounts of energy into a black hole. I am free. I may regret that he is the way he is, but since I can't change that, I'm grateful all the tension he caused me is done with.