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Did you see that things were a mess during the a?

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cuppacoffee posted 3/10/2014 15:54 PM

Last night the husband and I were talking. I was trying to be honest with him about my feelings especially because we had been fighting for two days.

He asked me how I didn't see we were in a bad place in our marriage during the a. I said to him "we just had a baby. that makes it rough. i was at home taking care of the kids and you were out doing whatever. I was too busy and you weren't talking to me."

When I look back to the time of the a I don't see how our relationship was messed up. I see how he was (not giving a crap about me or his family by going out drinking and driving home drunk.)

Mostly what hurts is that he still only sees the PA (2-3 weeks from kissing to sex) part of the 10 month a as the bad part. He still thinks being friends with her before and after sleeping with her was okay. He's in therapy but he doesn't offer up any info the therapist doesn't ask for.

Some days I see progress in him and then he says something stupid.

So... did you think your marriage was in trouble during the a or was it a surprise to find out it was? I don't mean the normal ups and downs of a marriage but that it was really troubled.

hopingforhappy posted 3/10/2014 16:01 PM

I saw that my FWH was in trouble. He was drinking too much and during his drunken episodes, he would verbally attack me. When he was sober, he seemed fine and we had a good relationship. I knew he was under a lot of stress at work and with his mom's illness, so I tended to back off of him, to cut his some slack. I thought he needed to handle things in his own way. That is the thing that I will never do again. If I have a serious concern, I will state it. Either it will be worked out between us or we will be in the MC's office so fast it will make his head spin.

ziganska posted 3/10/2014 16:01 PM

I go back and think about the marriage pre-A all the time. It wasn't bad at all....we didn't fight...if anything, things had just become boring, stagnant and sexless (I think that last part really got to my H, but we never talked about it). He was still coming home every night as usual, smiling, asking about my day. I had no idea what was going on and he truly didn't have it that bad but he wanted to be selfish, he wanted a thrill and he just couldn't cope with "normal" life.

It's interesting that you mention your H thought it was "okay" to be friends, particularly after the A. My H was the same way. They texted as "friends" for 2 more months after he ended things until I accidentally found out. I am still amazed that he thought it would be beneficial to remain "friends" with someone who had no respect for me, him or the sanctity of marriage (I know, neither did he). And of course, his plan was to keep this friendship secret from me so how long would that be sustained? Forever? I always ask him, if I didn't find out, would you keep texting and emailing her, seeing her like you'd see a friend and catch up, but all behind my back? How is that really ending things with her? There would always be the window to go back to a PA if you remained friends because adulterers can't remain platonic friends. Oh and did I mention she's half his age? Like they have so much in common? I disgusted just writing this out but wanted you to know you're not alone.

I'll never understand how these people get this stupid and hurtful. No one benefitted from what my H did...not even him.

Ostrich80 posted 3/10/2014 16:06 PM

No I knee mine was. We had a lot of things going on and we weren't agreeing on how to deal with them. I kind of think maybe his pre -a crush or whatever you call it with ow, didn't help what we were already dealing with. It just gave him am excuse to be mad at me and create more distance. I felt abandoned and was hurt and pissed so I was not exactly fun to live with either. I don't know, kind of like the chicken or egg story, ya know. Did A cause problems or did the problems send him seeking.. Still doesn't really matter because no matter what was going on, an A is never justified.

Dreamboat posted 3/10/2014 16:09 PM

I thought I was crazy during the A. Things looked right on the surface but things did not feel right. There was a lot of upheaval in our home as well -- X's cousin/OW had come to stay with us with her kids. But you see there was NO WAY my X would have an A with his cousin, right??!! So I MUST be crazy!!!

yeah, not crazy after all. I will never doubt my gut again.

struggling16 posted 3/10/2014 16:11 PM

Yes. But our M was a "mess" for years prior to his A.

We argued about politics and he was just plain mean. I would be confused and then get mean back. He got meaner during the A. He would scream profanities at me. I couldn't believe that I actually had to say, "I'm allowed to have different opinions than you."

At the same time he was saying that we should be "working on the M." I was well aware that I was the only one working on it. We would do things together (exercise, ride bikes, etc.) and he would leave me behind. Then go exercise again after we were home (to call the AP). I was constantly confused about things due to the gaslighting.

cuppacoffee posted 3/10/2014 16:15 PM

we had a great sex life prior to the a. Since the a it's been awful. He's on meds and when he does want it he feels guilty. And me- well I'm 38 weeks pregnant (hb baby) and I"m super in the mood until I remember he sucks at life.

If things would have been lacking sex wise then maybe i would have thought something was off but it was there.

the sex part hurts a lot. it really does. I was his only until the a. But what really hurts is the friendship they maintained so that neither one felt like the PA was wrong. It was like if I can be friends with the AP then it wasn't a total waste of time, right? moron.

bionicgal posted 3/10/2014 16:18 PM

We were at a really bad spot with his job - and I sensed his disconnection. I was worried, and half-heartedly asked a couple times if there was something going on, but I did not truly in my wildest dreams believe it. We had been together for over 20 years. . .I honestly did not think it was possible.

But, looking back, we were very disconnected, largely due to some bad habits in our marriage, but also the terrible turn that his job took with travel. I do remember feeling kind of a sick, panicky feeling, like I needed to get things righted, quickly. Tried reading books, planning dates, etc. I felt so depressed - in retrospect, I felt it. Then, he started having issues in the sex dept (in our "sexless marriage" - ha!) and the affair imploded shortly thereafter.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:22 PM, March 10th (Monday)]

PhantomLimb posted 3/10/2014 16:25 PM

No, in fact, things were supposed to be getting better.

About two years before, the taxes went up on the house we were renting and we couldn't afford it anymore. We were students and about to apply for jobs, so my parents offered us a place to stay with them. Obviously living with my folks was tough on our intimacy. X certainly didn't like it. But we were saving money, we didn't have to pay room and board, etc. I viewed it as one of those things that you have to do along the way towards your ultimate goals in life together.

X got an ideal job across country. We moved out. Bought all new stuff. Things were looking great. We would hold hands and tell one another "we made it!"

Then I got an offer for a job "back home." I was angling for a position at X's place and this job would help build my resume. It was short term (less than a year) and we agreed I should take it. Again, keeping our eye on our long term plans. We'd Skype every night and see each other as often as we could.

Once I left, his job started going south. Within a few months, the only person in the office who would talk to him was OW.

I got the job at his place of business. We started planning a housewarming/anniversary party for friends and family in our new "home."

I started to notice he was distant when we'd talk. I thought it could be the time change or that the distance was just starting to catch up with us. He started drinking a lot (always had a drink in his hand when we Skyped). I was planning to dump out all of his alcohol once I moved back in. He stopped making active plans for us to see each other. Then one weekend I couldn't get him on the phone and he wasn't where he said he was...

He came out to visit and it was awful. He was distant and a little bit mean. Friends wanted to see him and he'd avoid them. We'd go out to brunch with people and he wouldn't talk. Was drinking a TON and always smelled like alcohol. We had sex and he got all sweaty and aggressive and couldn't finish. He'd avoid me in the house. He would pretend to be asleep when I'd try to talk to him.

About a week later, and two weeks before I was supposed to move back and start the new job, I think he realized that I was going to find out. Once I started working with OW, there was no way I wouldn't see it. I knew he had been spending time with OW and her kid at the park and whatnot. I didn't mind him having a friend, but I made it clear that he has his own family and he wasn't going to be making play dates with someone else's child when I got back. The ride was over.

That's how DDay happened.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 4:26 PM, March 10th (Monday)]

Lionne posted 3/10/2014 16:28 PM

My marriage was in trouble, mostly because of the attitude that he had that enabled the affair. The poor me, I'm entitled, I'm better than you, neglected, attitude. Someone on another thread posted something that I'll paraphrase.

When I saw that we were in trouble, I buckled down and tried to fix things. He decided to go out and screw pig or two.

So sure, we were in trouble. Now the trouble is compounded with lies and STDs with guilt and trauma.

SisterMilkshake posted 3/10/2014 16:39 PM

Yes, pre-A, during A, after A. Things only started to get better after d-day.

Neverwudaguessed posted 3/10/2014 16:40 PM

My husband was so distant; he went out on his own all of the time. He runs and bikes (How he was able to see her for 40 minutes or so at a time during the 7 week EA, 1 week PA). But he was irritable, and no one could do anything right. We all kew something was wrong, but his father was diagnosed with Cancer and was in and out of the Hospital. I thought that this was the cause of his disconnected nature. I have always known that his coping skills are poor, so I assumed that this was why. But I was desperate for something to change. I had mentioned to anyone who would listen how hard this all was on him. I actually felt horrible for him, and that is why we endured so much as a family during this time. The kids continually asked what was wrong with him and why he was leaving the house without us again. I covered for him, telling them that he was having such a hard time with their grandfather's illness. I ABSOLUTELY had NO idea, even though I knew just how wrong things were.

TheBestMe posted 3/10/2014 18:12 PM

What Sister said:

Yes, pre-A, during A, after A. Things only started to get better after d-day.

rachelc posted 3/10/2014 18:27 PM

only right before and during his 2nd affair. He DID NOT have the humility that a wayward needs. I was beside myself because I had been there with my own affair, during his first one and had read, spent time here and knew JUST KNEW we were in desperation mode. He was angry. so so angry. He was so mean to me. I can barely stand to think of this.

and then I hired a PI and busted him again. Why did it take THAT to set him straight? I told him and talked to him and raged and MC/IC, etc etc and it took me catching him red handed again to figure out what he wanted. What an incredible burden for the BS. Jeez.

And to this day I can't figure out if it was co-dependency in action or realizing that he was sick and needed help. I don't know if I threw him a lifeline or enabled him. Obviously, we were both a mess.

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