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What is wrong with me?

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Dobegirl posted 3/10/2014 16:46 PM

I had my mind all made up to file for D this week. And then BAM! I am not so sure. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it.

I haven't talked to WS since Friday and I was pretty upset in the conversation. I have been crying on and off all weekend. Trying to stay busy but that only helps so much. And then today was really bad. I was on the verge of tears ALL day at work.

After work I take my truck in for an oil change. So I'm sitting in the waiting room reading SI and I look up to see an older couple. He was 89 and didn't look or act like he was that old. I even guessed his age at 63. I didn't catch her age but I remember him saying she was 15 yrs younger. The H is doting all over his wife, calling her tootsie, saying how good she takes care of him. He says they have been married for 11 years. They met after his second wife passed. He speaks of his current and past wife so fondly. I say to them both that I hope to have what the have one day. The W asks me if I was married. I just lost it trying to answer her. I mean I was a bawling baby right in front of them and all the other people in the waiting room. ALL STRANGERS! I couldn't believe how emotional I was and how I couldn't stop crying.

I miss my WS. I have not seen him since right before Xmas when I sent him packing. I still love him. I am a mess. He wants to come back home so bad and thinks we can make this work. But he has told so many lies. He is in therapy addressing all his issues. But unfortunately I can't see if there is progress and I'm not sure how he can prove it to me. He is living back in his home state with the in-laws.

I thought I had it all figured out. Now I question everything...I FUCKING HATE THIS!!!!

Ostrich80 posted 3/10/2014 16:52 PM

Seeing couples like you did, always makes me question every decision I make or have made. I don't have any advice as I'm in quite a state.of, what ifs and maybe's myself today. The shit just never seems to end even when you think its under control, just proves you wrong. I'm sorry your feeling this way. It sucks, I know.

StillLivin posted 3/10/2014 17:32 PM

If there is no rush, i.e. he isn't trying to get the jump on D'ing you for whatever gain, then just wait.
Breathe and take a few days to really get used to the idea.
If there is a financial reason you need to file immediately, most states you have a waiting period as well after filing to change your mind. So it isn't like you will be D'd immediately after filing.

norabird posted 3/10/2014 17:40 PM

((((((hugs & strength))))

I agree, you can sit with this before pulling the trigger. Sometimes you just aren't ready to fully let go.

vivere posted 3/10/2014 18:16 PM

Nothing wrong with you at all. It's a decision that was probably never even on your radar. You loved the man you thought he was and planned a future.

Now you say

Not really sure I ever knew the real him. He hid it all so very well.

That is ridiculously unsettling! Would have you second guessing all of your decisions. What else don't you know? What other things have you made the wrong call on?

I know it did me.

We are all in the same boat. None of us would have willingly entered a relationship if we were told that the person we were in love with was going to deceive us and hurt us in a profound, life altering way. So, none of us really knew what our partners were capable, none of us really knew our partners I guess.

Sorry, this is getting very wordy What I'm trying to say is, in most cases, it's ok to be unsure, it's okay not to have all the answers, it's ok to change your mind and it's ok to sit with the decision for a while.

Don't be so hard on yourself. The future you had planned is now uncertain so it's ok for you to be uncertain. There is nothing wrong with you.

((Dobegirl)) you are not alone.

Skan posted 3/11/2014 12:56 PM

(((hugs))) Hell, my FWH and I are R and are working hard to grow closer every day, and I still lose it one way or another when I see couples like you've described. Infidelity kicks us where we're weakest, and continues to give us a kick randomly for good measure for a hell of a long time. Being uncertain is OK. Feel what you need to feel.

He is in therapy addressing all his issues. But unfortunately I can't see if there is progress and I'm not sure how he can prove it to me. He is living back in his home state with the in-laws.

If you really want to know how he's doing in therapy, ask him to sign a release with his therapist for full disclosure to you. Then setup a time and either go back there for a visit and an appointment alone with his therapist, or stay where you are and do a phone consultation with the therapist. When my FWH was exposed in a huge lie to me, I told him that the next time he went to his IC, I was going as well and his IC was going to answer all of my questions or we were through. And believe me, I grilled the IC. If this is what you need to be certain in your mind of what you need and want, then do it. Certainly a negative reaction from your WH will speak volumes to you.

Look. You're going to second guess yourself a lot. This is a big decision so that's normal. But you have to look at the likely bottom line. Is it likely that your WH can make the changes that you need to be a worthy partner to you? Is it likely that IF those changes are made, that you can live a satisfying and enriching life with him? Do you want to spend more years living with someone that, given his track record, could break your heart into pieces again? In two years, can you see a future where you are healthy and whole, possibly with someone who loves you and acknowledges how lucky he is to have such an amazing woman in his life? Just like that elderly couple.

Sometimes you just have to acknowledge that your decision is for the best, and that it's going to hurt, but that a bit of hurt right now cleaning out the abscess is better than letting the festering wound grow bigger and bigger and bigger.

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