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Will the embarrassment go away?

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Nomorestrength posted 3/10/2014 16:53 PM

I'm about to file D at 6 months pregnant. My WH never stopped his LTA. He moved out Xmas day, claims she's just a friend, still sees her almost daily, and doesn't want me to file (I'd be giving up).

I was in the hospital this weekend for kidney stones, stayed in Labor and Delivery to recover from surgery/monitor baby. He knew Friday night I was in pain from a kidney stone, but I didn't tell him until Saturday morning I was admitted the night before. He showed up at the hospital at 10pm and said he was already an hour away playing golf when he got my text. I had surgery Sunday morning and he never came by to visit. Claims he can't be there because my family was there.

While I know I have nothing to be embarrassed about, but rather he should be the one mortified he abandoned his pregnant wife, it was so embarrassing to be asked multiple times in the hospital about my husband. I had my mom, aunt, sister there, so I was never alone. I just broke down in pre-op when the surgeon asked me if my husband was going to be the one person I could have waiting in operating room area. And walking on the maternity floor it is hard to see happy couples and I'm going to be doing this labor without him in a couple months. I don't even know if I want to tell him when I go into labor. Most times it takes him hours to respond because he won't respond if he's with her.

I know embarrassment is the least of my worries, it's just a hard time because coworkers and acquaintances are always asking me about if my husband is excited, if we have names picked, etc. And he tries to suck me back in during this emotional time for me by telling me I'm excluding him from baby stuff. I could hardly look at him for the brief time I saw him. Why doesn't he feel embarrassed?

devistatedmom posted 3/10/2014 17:24 PM

He doesn't feel embarrassed because he's an idiot. His head is so far up his butt that he can see out his ears.

You can stop being embarrassed when you decide not to be. At the hospital next time (for labour, I hope, not for kidney stones again) that your husband is NOT your go to person, that he is abandoning you and the baby, and you want it marked on your file that you do NOT want him brought up.

Tell your co-workers what is going on. Yes, it will be uncomfortable saying the first time or two, but becomes less so as you tell people. Also, you may be surprised that people won't think "bad" of you, but support you through this and think what an ass he is to do this to you and the baby.

He's figuring since you are pregnant, he has you over a barrel, and you will sit and wait for him to decide what he wants to do down the line. Don't let that be the way it goes. Shut him out. You don't need to feel guilty...your going NC will calm your stress, which is better for you and the baby.

I'm glad you got through the kidney stones. I had them when I was 20 weeks pregnant with my DD. NOT fun!!!

Hold on to your family. You can make it NMS. {{{hugs}}}

ruinedandbroken posted 3/10/2014 17:27 PM

I suspect he's too deep in lala land where everything is shiny and perfect, to feel embarrassment.

There really is nothing for you to be embarrassed about. I know it's normal to feel that way though. I felt that way for a long time and still feel twinges of it from time to time. It fades over time and with therapy, at least it did for me. But it's been almost 4 years for me.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

PurpleRose posted 3/10/2014 17:34 PM

It will eventually, but I imagine being pregnant intensifies the feeling. :(

I hope you do have someone who can stick with you through your labor and delivery. (Besides the ass, I mean!)

You should tell people when you get to the hospital, and they will know what to do. They have seen it all and will make sure you are taken care of. I hope you are feeling better.

StillLivin posted 3/10/2014 17:41 PM

You should not feel embarrassed about anything. He is the idjat. FTG.
Anyone seeing you pregnant and knowing your story would be mortified that he left his pregnant wife like that.
You will be surprised at how much support you will receive from complete strangers.
He is a selfish POS that does NOT deserve you or this baby.
You are not shutting him out, he is abandoning you AND his child.
It is HIS responsibility as the man of the house to make sure YOU are healthy and taken care of. He is the one not there for his kid. You haven't taken anything away.
It is not your responsibility to call him and keep him informed of anything. It is his responsibility to keep tabs on you and his child. He should have his ass at home taking care of you not that nasty whore. He made his choice but wants to blameshift by making you out to be the bad guy when clearly you aren't. If he isn't doing that, then it is his problem and his loss.
I'm sorry for you and your little miracle.

phmh posted 3/10/2014 18:24 PM

Keeping his secret will just stress you out and affect your health.

Telling people is so freeing. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

hurtbs posted 3/10/2014 18:28 PM

Big hugs


It's easy to say things like "You aren't the one who should be embarrassed... he is." But the reality is, you feel how you feel. Telling you how you *should* feel isn't fair.

I can tell you that while my ex didn't cheat while I was pregnant (I have never been pregnant), the affair was embarrassing, staying with him after such a public affair, embarrassing, tolerating that kind of treatment, humiliating. It's not as strong as it once was. There's a twinge there sometimes, I dismiss it with humor, but it's there. But with self work and time, it does get a lot better. I suspect that with everything going on right now with you physically that it makes the emotional experience that much more intense (and it's already emotionally intense).

Hang in there, one foot in front of the other, lean on your support group, keep posting here.

nowiknow23 posted 3/10/2014 18:28 PM


careerlady posted 3/10/2014 18:29 PM

I agree with the others. Tell the hospital staff. Tell your coworkers. Tell your coworkers it's not a secret so they can spread the tale for you if you want (I did and it's saving me trouble though probably only 10% know). I definitely understand where you are
Coming from, must be so much harder pregnant. I'm sorry he is such an asshole

SBB posted 3/10/2014 18:35 PM

It's easy to say things like "You aren't the one who should be embarrassed... he is." But the reality is, you feel how you feel. Telling you how you *should* feel isn't fair.

Humiliation was my primary emotion post DD. It overrode the hurt. I seemed to have gotten used to him hurting me so whilst it still stung it didn't burn me up like the humiliation did. I actually had my first of 4 panic attacks of my life post DD when I was faced with telling my long-time mentors about what happened.

I felt embarrassed/humiliated for almost a year post DD. Luckily for me the sad clown showed his arse quite soon after S by shacking up with his 17 years junior office gopher 20 weeks after S so everyone knew exactly what I had been dealing with all this time.

You won't feel this way forever, I promise. I'm no longer embarrassed/humiliated about him betraying me nor about the terrible treatment I tolerated - I AM embarrassed/humiliated that I was ever married to him, that I had children with him.

Those first few months were the hardest for me - once everyone knew and this became my new normal those feelings of deep humiliation subsided.

((Nomorestrength)) There is a special place in hell for men who cheat on their pregnant wives. It happened to me too but I didn't know about it for 4+ years. Looking back I cannot believe he would do that at my most vulnerable time. That he would expose his unborn children to health issues from STDs. I am so very sorry.

[This message edited by SBB at 6:36 PM, March 10th (Monday)]

Nomorestrength posted 3/10/2014 20:01 PM

Thanks everyone for your replies. It is true that I was so used to his disrespect that it became my normal. As crazy as it sounds, I think he's going to be shocked to get papers - hopefully by Friday or early next week. I just need to avoid getting sucked back in. It's hard after 15 years together, 8 years married and a baby on the way.

norabird posted 3/10/2014 21:50 PM

The fear if being sucked back in is a good protection--let it push you to put up your shields and keep them up. It sounds like your family is there for you, so maybe deputize them to talk you out of any second thoughts or remind you what the truth is if he starts hoovering.

Hope you can get the filing sorted out smoothly so you can focus on your child. Try not to be ashamed though forgive yourself if you do feel it.

Opening up with the truth seems scary but if can be freeing and healing to speak your story, give it a try next time

bigskyblues posted 3/11/2014 04:45 AM

Strength, you have nothing to be embarrasses about! He is not embarrassed because he is less than a real man, he is a worthless piece of $h!t!

I wish you the best!

Jennifer99 posted 3/11/2014 09:17 AM

Wow Nomore...I am you (due 6/5).

No embarrassment! I was dealing with that until one of my friends said:

"If that is how you are going to feel, I'm going to have to do something drastic. I'm going to have to go get a butch hair cut and some man-ish clothes and tell people at the doc, l/d, etc that we buried your husband so we can finally live our love and that from today on I'm this baby's "daddy"."

Now when something like that comes up I just try and cover the and say the baby's daddy is not present.

I also figured if people at work were going to be so happy for me they could be happy just for ME and I told them when I filed for D. Now they just ask about me and the baby and they have all sort of turned into a big extended family. They are so sweet.

Outing the asshole is the most free-ing experience...when I quit caring what other people would think of me I found out they think I'm great, he sucks. I like that (sounds immature but I do). No one looks at me like I'm pathetic.

I quit asking questions about why he doesn't think or feel a certain way. He just doesn't and I don't know that I ever want to understand the kind of person who CAN think that way.

suckstobeme posted 3/11/2014 09:29 AM

I remember being so embarassed and humiliated when it all came out. His whole office knew me -most of the people there bought us baby gifts for when both the kids were born. His A involved and still involves his own secretary. It was like I was the last one to know. Everyone saw them taking long lunches together and walking out together and giving each other the "looks". And, OW is a loud mouth ho so she didn't try to keep it quiet after a while. In fact, I'm pretty sure she pushed and pushed him to make a decision to leave us or else she was going to out him to me, big time.

I remember asking the very same question about the embarassment.

I can tell you that it does go away. After a while, I saw very clearly that I didn't do anything wrong. People don't feel sorry for me. He was the one who lied, cheated, and betrayed me and his children. He is the one who turned his back on his own kids and chose to give them up so he can wake up with that slob every day rather than his babies.

I now feel very embarassed for him. They both still work at the same place, and everyone there knows he is a POS who tossed us away for nothing. He gets abused and made fun of and the fact that he made such a joke/cliche out of himself by fucking around with his own secretary will follow him forever, even if they break up. He will forever be known as THAT guy. He should be so ashamed of himself and I'm pretty sure he is.

Your WH is worse. Screwing around while your wife is pregnant and going through what is supposed to be the most joyous time of her life is the lowest of the low. You did nothing wrong. Hold your head high and be proud of yourself for being so strong during such a vulnerable time. Lean on your friends and family and FTG! He will also always be THAT guy who cheated on and left his pregnant wife. He will always be THAT guy who was so much less of a man that he couldn't even stick around to see his own child born. He is the one who will be embarassed for the rest of his life. If he's not, he's more of a monster than we think.

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