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Trying to Heal...

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matthesax posted 3/10/2014 19:47 PM

Good to find this site, and great to find other peoples stories which have helped a lot. Where to start...

Wife is currently seeing married man number 2, this ones wife does not know. On Valentine's day 2011 I came back from a week working away and found out why my hair had fallen out, and why nothing made any sense - she had been seeing the abusive copper (police) for 7 months - they used our daughters' friendship as a shield - and he proceeded to check records, bully and attempt to imcriminate me. His wife (also police) had caught them - and my wife was resentful that her affair was over...she wanted time to mourn. The details were not pretty. I've never been anxious about my ability to please in the bedroom, but it has rocked my confidence. From taking me, unwitting to Ann Summers to help her pick an outfit for him ( a basque), to saying "With him it was making love, we just have good sex", to the nature of that sex - which let's just say that most girls are not terribly keen on it. And 3 months until the end of my degree. Boom.
I got the degree, we talked, and with a small kid (4) that we had both cared for fairly equally I thought it was worth a try. But I had a huge breakdown and recovered slowly - a but like PTSD. It took a year, but I started teacher training, very intensive, - but soon signs were wrong again, this time I knew what it looked like - but I couldn't believe she'd to it again, I'd said divorce me first, for the love of God. I left the course, I just couldn't cope. She asked for divorce and refused to discuss our marriage. After 3 months of doing the house up to sell and sleeping in the spare room, with her welded to her mobile phone, that lies took on ridiculous proportions - she swore on her daughters life that she wastn't shagging this man.
She had the idea that she'd move with daughter to a new town, new school in the village this guy lives in. NO! It came out.finally - nothing to say, walk away.
5 months ago I found somewhere, I fought like a tiger for primary care of our daughter, covered my back and I started the divorce paperwork, keeping it quick and blame free. Only a fortnight until absolute now. It's been hard, and she's tried to keep her claws in, but life is simple and improving. All of our mutual friends turned out to be her friends, and her family did not reciprocate with a single Xmas card. Very isolated, but getting better quickly. I can tell from the Ann Summers bag I saw when I picked my daughter up that she's working hard to keep this one too. Good luck.
His wife still doesn't know, and I feel for her, because I think she should have the chance to protect herself and her family. Perhaps I should find and tell her- I've narrowed it down to two families. I also think that he will go back to his wife, begging bowl in hand and my ex will have sweet FA.
Daughter is happy here, and is finally getting on better at her mum's. It's been hard on her but no obvious major trauma, mission accomplished. Except I feel like shit a lot of the time, but I have times now when I'm not thinking about it all the time.
Had to get that off my chest. I know I wasn't blameless in our marriage breaking down, but I did not deserve that! To all those whose wounds are fresh: hang in there, it gets easier, one day at a time. And if you decide to try in your marriage: watch them like a hawk! Thanks.x

hardtimesinlife posted 3/10/2014 21:58 PM

Welcome to SI matt

I'm sorry you are feeling low but you can be sure that joining SI will help tremendously with your healing.

Your xw sounds cruel and no, you did not deserve what she did. No matter what. It takes a while but you'll learn that cheaters cheat because they are broken people, not because their spouse didn't do something right.

Read the healing library and also have a look at the betrayed mens thread in I Can Relate section. You'll get lots of support here.

Oh, and good for you for being such a great father!

Lola88 posted 3/11/2014 04:22 AM

Welcome but sorry you have the need to join this club, as we all do.

Do not accept any responsibility for your stbxww's lousy and cruel choices. She is obviously very broken and loves herself more than she is capable of loving anyone else.

You sound like a great dad and I hope you meet someone who deserves you (((matthesax)))

norabird posted 3/11/2014 11:09 AM

I'm so sorry. You seem to be doing pretty well with this healing business so far though despite what you've been dealt, kudos to you!

If you haven't checked out yet and you're feeling isolated, I really recommend it as a way to get out and meet new friends and stretch yourself socially.

DragonBunker posted 3/11/2014 13:55 PM

Hi. I just thought I would say hi as another English person on this site. I am a long way away from the horrible hell you're in now but I remember being in the middle of it all falling down and trying to protect my children. It sounds like you're a top dad, fighting for your little one like that. Feel free to PM me if you fancy a chat. But I just wanted to say, you're doing a fine job, it seems, of dealing with this horrible situation. And Ann Summers sucks, I've got a mate that works there and she reckons that about half of the stuff bought in there is bought "on the sly" for those people who ought not to even have each others phone numbers, let alone be having sex together.

matthesax posted 3/11/2014 18:22 PM

Thank you all for your kind words! I'm starting a business, I have commitments and I love having my daughter - but I know that healing is my top priority, without that nothing else works. I work on it, using the few techniques that I know, day in, day out, sometimes minute by bloody minute- and I'm getting there. When my thoughts are in crazy washing machine mode- stop, breath deep, and let it go, just for now. Looking at my post, I think I sound more sorted than I am, but under the circs, I am ok really. Cheating spouses don't ever get to know how bad it gets, but that's ok. Move on, meet honest people, be happy being single- that's where I'm at. I do find that I take no shit frm anyone, gotta watch that I don't become abrasive! Crazy though it may sound, my resentments drag me backwards, I'm letting it go by conscious effort. New (and slimmer) me, new life. Roll on spring! Thank you

matthesax posted 3/11/2014 19:02 PM

Dragonbunker, thank you so much, but ive got idea how to PM you, I'll wotk it out.:-)

DragonBunker posted 3/14/2014 12:57 PM

It looks like I have to have made fifty posts before I can PM members- I will be there soon and I will message you

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