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delayed reaction?

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JustCali posted 3/10/2014 20:20 PM

Like so many of you, I can not believe I am here. I fear posting too many details of my situation in case certain people might recognize my scenario. Please forgive the bits and pieces of the story. Cliff notes WH was having an EA at least for several months via email, calls and probably texts. The emails are what I caught. I have copies of several. They make me physically ill but I cant get rid of them. Anyways. ...too much going thru my head but I'm trying to focus one one thing at a time. When I first found out, I totally flipped out and there was a meltdown and talks for just a few days...then bam...I didn't want to lose him so I focused on forgiveness and moving forward. Total denial really. Self protection perhaps so I didn't feel it all at once. Its weird. Rugsweeping extrordinaire...that's me. Well, as expected, those undealt with feelings are cropping up now big time. But its almost a year later. Now its a total roller coaster of emotions. Has anyone else had this much of a delayed reaction? I mean I had totally been carrying on like nothing happened and now I have no idea what is going to come out of my mouth next. Also I fear that this mental shit is going to spill over in to my work and such. It is all consuming....I am a changed person....angry and skeptical of everyone. Its sad. As a result I have lost my filter and say exactly what I feel....when in reality its good to have some filter at work ya know? What can I do to combat this skepticism and new found jaded mistrust?

OakStreet posted 3/10/2014 21:45 PM


A delayed reaction is similar to PTSD - you and WH need to talk and go to counseling, whether IC and then, MC. Although I am 5 months from Dday, I have experienced the rollercoaster "big time". Things were going well for a time and then WH triggered me into deep sadness and despair.

Hopefully others will have more advice and insight.

IsthereEVERanend posted 3/10/2014 22:19 PM

Oak street nails it. Everything you are saying sounds like my scenario all over again
Only difference is the time factor. My time line goes back 24 years. Read my story on my profile if you like. It is far from complete but it will let you know how adversely PTSD can affect your life. I have accepted that it,for me, is a life sentence and with proper meds, I will survive.
Best wishes to you and good luck.

annb posted 3/11/2014 07:35 AM

Hi, JustCali, remember infidelity causes trauma. You cannot rugsweep your emotions, they will surface eventually, and that is what you are experiencing now.

You need to go back and address everything by asking your WH questions and getting the full truth. Did your husband answer all your questions? How do you know the affair ended?

Forgiveness and trust must be earned. What has your husband done to help you feel safe in the marriage again?

When I first found out about my WH A, I was in shock and calmer the first few months than I was in the ensuing years. It is normal for the reality to set in and for the anger to surface.

I suggest you get yourself into counseling as you need to process the infidelity trauma.


Gemstone posted 3/11/2014 09:59 AM

Hi JustCali,

I think what you are going through is only too common. I found out 10 months ago and although I did all the digging then and questioning and shouting, screaming, crying you name it,for many many weeks, it only got some of it out of my system. My husband was immediately remorseful and gave me access to all phones, ipads etc and entered into a NC immediatley, but 10 months later, I am still angry and hurt and like you, I am a changed person. I always used to look for the good in people, and always gave others the benefit of any doubt, now I don't. I don't like what it has turned me into and I hope it will pass.

If you surpressed it at the time, as it sounds like, it has all just festered underneath and is now coming to the surface. Let it out and deal with it, with your husband, as someone else has posted on this site, you have to go through this, not around it.

Please accept that you are still hurting and that it will take time to heal completely.
The love and trust we had in our partners took time to build in the first place. They have smashed that into pieces so we have to start again, only this time the foundations are in a mess as well.
You can get through this, its just very hard with no shortcuts.

norabird posted 3/11/2014 10:24 AM

Sort of how you can put off paying a bill but the account will always come due later if you do, your emotions can only be deferred for so long. It's time to explain to your WH how you tried to move on but cannot get over this without discussing it. It's his job to help you combat the jaded feelings by renewing your trust in him (I think you're projecting the jadedness out at others to avoid directing it at him...but make no mistake, he is the actual target).

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