The first week after separation this month were the hardest ever but at the same time I started to notice an upswing on my mood. Even tho feeling like the last 12 years of my life were a lie, I can't say I feel very depressed. I'm sleeping less, waking up super early and getting things done. My happy moments are the happiest I've been in years.
Maybe having to live under the shroud of infidelity took its toll on me.
[This message edited by PaperRing at 5:02 AM, March 11th (Tuesday)]
Deep breath >sigh>this feels pretty good
Idk as though I totally believe her yet.
I don't even realize it, but people smile at me; even people who had a sour look on their faces when I first saw them. They smile and start conversations with me and act cheerful. And I realize that it's in response to my huge smile!! I even got called out by the TSA for it!! Who knew smiling too much could get you in trouble with the TSA??
Yes, without being aware of it then, I was quite depressed when dealing with xpos, who I now know is very controlling, PA, SA, BPD, borderline NPD, and most likely a sociopath (all according to two psychologists), and most likely did attempt to kill me and DD according to one of them. Add that to what I already did know; that he is very angry, negative, conflict avoidant, and has huge road rage, with huge FOO issues he refuses to deal with, and I found that I was mentally, emotionally and verbally abused the whole M and had Stockholm Syndrome. Why wouldn't I have been depressed?
So as painful as this life is now, it feels real.
Living with an N and cheater is like sleep walking.
The first week after separation this month were the hardest ever but at the same time I started to notice an upswing on my mood.
I edit often because my tablet is possessed!
I too walked around in a depressed fog for the last few years of that M. Turns out it was arsehole.
Ignoring your gut is crazy making. Gaslighting is crazy making.
Freedom is a cure for arsehole.
That said, as soon as he moved out, most of my generalized anxiety disappeared, and weird seemingly completely unrelated things also went away, like my phobia of driving on the highway. Its been amazing.
Our bodies know more than our minds do sometimes.
I don't suffer from depression but when my stbx left, it's like everything got lighter in the house. The mood, the energy. It was weird for the house to be so peaceful during the worst moment in my life.
Now, that feeling has gone away. Granted, I'm on ADs for the first time, so who the heck knows.
But, I have to say this thread reminds me of the "what if he is better off without me" thread going on concurrently. I think about that a lot. He IS probably better off, in his opinion. So what if he is? We in this thread (and probably all of us) are better off without THEM. What's more important?