We had mediation yesterday and although it went relatively well, I am feeling severely depressed and feel like I lost. I wasn't trying for more than 50/50 because although he is the worst excuse for a man ever, I don't want my children to ever resent me. But of course, after mediation, he called and visited with me, to rub in my face no doubt, and mentioned that he totally came out ahead and now has one more day than me a month so he won't have to pay me anything. I am so mad at myself and feel like I totally dropped the ball in mediation. It has always been about the child support to him, I know this because he has said it on several occasions. BUT, I was never thinking about the money. Yes I am poor and will probably be stuck living at my parents forever, but I want my children to have a happy and fullfilling life with us both. Yet I can't help but feel totally deflated like I've been mutilated in a war. I thought that maybe since I am so used to the cheating and verbal and mental abuse and manipulation, that I had alread gone through depression. Everyone around me says how strong I am and how I should take him to the cleaners.
I just feel like no matter what I do and no matter how bad of a human being he is, all the good I do and the positive things I pray for and think of, all just don't matter and he ALWAYS wins. He has two solid girlfriends at the moment. The OW with whom he has had a child, another girl friend that he's been with for five months and cheating on OW with, as well as different women every night that the two of them aren't around. I don't understand how such a horrible human being can have such a lucky life.
I don't even know how to express what I am feeling. Just like blah. I was thinking about it the night before last and I literally feel like I have been in limbo my whole life. I don't ever remember feeling really happy and I have never known who I am or ever really had best friends with whom I could be myself. I don't know what to do or who to be........ Sorry for the rant. I have been holding it together fantastically with barely a tear shed. Now, I seriously feel an emotional break down on it's way.