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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: Is it just too much in the end?
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, 3 years into R, and things seem good. The A is hardly discussed, there was no false R, ever. No blameshifting, etc. .There was TT - so of course I still wonder what I don't know, and I think all TT comes with some fights because the WS is protecting themselves and will fight to do it - no, I don't think TT is about protecting the BS from more hurt, at all. It's all fear of the BS leaving, shame at being so low, etc. But protecting BS? No, I don't think so, in any case.

So now that the dust has really settled, and this shouldn't be an issue, why do I feel less love for my fWH? I can't 'get over' the lies, the things said to her, about me, and all of the lies or hurtful comments post DDay. My H is a different person, and I just don't seem to care as much. Yes, I see my H in a different light, and I don't know now if it's enough to keep pushing onward towards the future with fWH.

Has anyone else gone through this? if so, did you stay in R, and are you happy? If you left, how is that going? Better than R?

So much of the love is just gone. I think it's just been too much.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Angel177
♀ 37274
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually told WH that lately I have felt this way. That I can't get over what he did and I'm not sure I can accept it either. Getting over it isn't nessasary but I think accepting it is...so what now? I told him that sometimes I think I will never be happy with him again and he asked if I feel this way sometimes or always? I told him not always...just sometimes. He said sometimes is better then always.

I told him that I think about leaving sometimes and he asked if I wanted to leave him? I told him no. I don't want to leave him...I want him to go back and make it so he never cheated. Which is completely unfair because he can't. Then I cried well he held me and apologized and I told him that the pain is still so bad. It just hurts so bad.

I feel like I'm holding myself back from loving him. He is being an amazing husband now...but it took screwing someone else to get this out if him? That's bullshit! I'm so angry at him. I can feel myself pushing him away and putting a wall between us and I don't know how to stop it.

I know I won't ever love him like I did which is really sad but I need to love him more then this I think...but I don't know how. More time is what wh thinks I need but posts like this make me think that for some people this just never gets where they want it to.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 255 | Registered: Oct 2012
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is being an amazing husband now...but it took screwing someone else to get this out if him? That's bullshit! I'm so angry at him.

Exactly. So once I'm shattered and the marriage is a shell of what it once was because of his actions, NOW I'm the love of his life? It's infuriating.

I honestly think I've had it. I know I won't take any action too soon, but despite him being a different person now than he was pre-A, I'm just crawling away from all of it slowly. I feel like there was a test, and to him, I was the better option. He felt trapped, and tested the waters. He discovered that he was where he wanted to be. Me? I didn't need a test, and I'm furious that I needed to be tested. I did nothing to deserve this treatment, or for him to question what was right for him. The more time passes, the more infuriated I become, and the more distance I want from him.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I left in the end.

There's only so many times I'll allow someone to disrespect me (and he had MORE than his fair share) and I left.

He begged me to change my mind, asking me to stay and cancel the arrangements and new lease I'd signed for my apartment, and I told him no.

I don't know. People who think so little of me that they can lie over and over and disrespect me over and over simply aren't worth my forgiveness and hard work to 'get over it.'

I've never, EVER regretted leaving.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1956 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Angel177
♀ 37274
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painful past-I can so relate to how you are feeling. I'm not ready to be done yet but if this feeling doesn't go away....I don't know what else to do...I can't live like this. It's all so unfair...he destroyed our marriage and our lives without so much as a conversation with me about how he was feeling disconnected...he told ow about his feelings though. Ugh. It's just betrayal after betrayal after betrayal. It's a lot to live with.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 255 | Registered: Oct 2012
Dallas2
♀ 28362
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

April will be 4 years for me and I am still here. Will I always be here? I honestly can't say. I think I will be but only time will tell.

TT can kill a marriage and many times it does. I feel his TTing really hindered us. My H also blamshifted. I was distant etc. Until he accepted full resonsibilty for his A and the consequences of it we were not moving forward. He is aware that there still may be unforseen consequences and we will have to deal with him.

As for loving him less I also feel this. Before his A I would and did tolerate behavior from him that today would have me filing for D. I would have traded my happiness for his. Now I am finding that I expect more from him. More effort, more romance, basically more everything. The lying is hard to accept and for me I know it was more self preservation than anything else. No lies of any type is acceptable now and believe me he is and has been questioned and many times has hadto prove it was the truth. So far so good.

I really wanted adivorce so we could start over and if it came to it a remarriage. I even served him. I still have the paper, some day I may throw it out -but not yet. He fought me on that. I think at some level he knew if he did there would be no marriage and I would be gone. The fact that he did fight to keep "us" married has helped me.

I still have days when I think- time to go butI do like the MC says and make my list of good, bad, wants and needs. The best thing I can do is focus on the present and look to the future. If I try to keep the past in the past it helps.

Neither of us in unscarredand I really think in many ways he carries more than I do. Some of his own making and many I caused.

We are now in a better place and are planning a future together. 95% of the time we are happy. 5% not but thats okay. We are after all only human. It is not the same love, in many ways it is better because it is a love we both want and are willing to work at and keep. It may sound strange but in some ways it is stronger. We are surviving the worse thing that can happen to love.

Hope this helps you.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Painfulpast)))

I feel like there was a test, and to him, I was the better option. He felt trapped, and tested the waters. He discovered that he was where he wanted to be. Me? I didn't need a test, and I'm furious that I needed to be tested. I did nothing to deserve this treatment, or for him to question what was right for him. The more time passes, the more infuriated I become, and the more distance I want from him.

I feel this same exact way, like now he knows it's me. He even told me that. Ugh

I am in the same boat, I love my fWH just not the same. I am sure my protective barriers are still up.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
SmallButStrong
♀ 40128
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painfulpast - Do you have children with him?

I feel exactly like everyone here and I'm 18 months out. After our counselor told us that we need to get back to an "equal" relationship (one in which he has the right to get mad at me again) in order to be healthy, he has interpreted that as his free pass to be the old version of himself. Some days I feel like we can be equals, but most days I still feel like he owes me for LIFE.

Yesterday we were in MC and got into a huge blowout. The counselor said - after observing it - that we still in a parent/child relationship with me scolding him from up high and him feeling like a little boy in trouble. Well, yeah! Sorry! I'm sorry that our relationship has come to this, but that's what infidelity does!!! The infidel is forever indebted to the betrayed.

I admit that I have done severe damage on this healing journey with my words and the tone in which I speak to him. But I feel like I have no filter because there are NO words that could hurt him the way he hurt me. So yeah, I just scream and scold. I don't know how to control this.

I asked about kids because I truly feel like I'm staying because of them. We work well as a family unit, and I frankly don't want to be the bad guy by filing the divorce papers. I often wish he would have just left me to not put me in this regrettable position of having to choose.

I, too, expect SO much more from him now, and I'm not getting it. You'd think he'd still be in damage control mode. You'd think he'd be trying to prove to me daily that it's going to be worth my while. But instead I get nothing but the same 'ol same 'ol....and disappointment after disappointment. I'm so tired of being disappointed!


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused girl
♀ 10649
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painfulpast,
I'm 8 years out and know what you feel. I went through periods like you but it has evened out.

Unfortunately, his affair destroyed my innocent, wholehearted trust. When I thought about leaving him I realized I would never allow myself to feel total trust in my spouse again, not my husband or if I left and remarried, a new husband. I will never, ever give every part of me to a partner. There will always be a part that I will withhold to protect myself.

I have come to the conclusion that protecting myself is ok. Do I love my husband? Absolutely! DO I want to leave him? Absolutely not. Do we have a great marriage? Yes! We have great joy together and I can't imagine my life without him.

But...if I ever had to experience life without him, I know I would be fine.


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2006
NotDefeatedYet
♂ 33642
Member # 33642
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will never feel for her what I did before. If she said she was leaving tomorrow, I'd probably feel indifferent to it. It's not like I can go through any worse with her; that part is over, so if we split up, it wouldn't really bother me all that much. I don't know. It's been a few years now, and I'm sort of flat on the whole issue.


"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Texas
deena
♀ 27275
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are so many replies that I feel the same about.

but these two hit home the most

We work well as a family unit, and I frankly don't want to be the bad guy by filing the divorce papers. I often wish he would have just left me to not put me in this regrettable position of having to choose.

It's been a few years now, and I'm sort of flat on the whole issue.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3197 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
thecosmogirl
♀ 39707
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am with most of these replys. I don't believe I will ever love my WH like I did. Do I love him now? Yes, I never stopped. He is the one who stopped loving me and the one who broke my "deliriously, madly IN love" kind of love that I always had for him. He thinks I will fall back madly in love with him. Nice that he can have that kind of hope I guess.
I've always been one to leave up a few walls in every relationship. With him, I brought them all down and where did that get me? I think about leaving almost every day. We have no children together but, I doubt that would make a difference.
I am one of those that needs ALL the details. And I don't have them and have begun to realize I will never get them. Some things I absolutely know to be true yet, he denies or does the ever so popular among wayards, truth omitting. So, because of that I am living with the fact that even though he SAYS all the right things for R and is being the best he can be NOW.... I am not worth telling the entire truth to so, what the hell am I doing here?

IDK, I'm only 9 months out so still in the front car of this roller coaster. And just had a wonderful Valentines then our anniversary that was absolutely horrid!!! and made me want to stab myself (just a figure of speech, I have NO thoughts or intentions of hurting myself). I also walked out of our last MC session and have never went back because I made a comment about the next time he sleeps with an employee and he had a shit eating grin/sneer on his face.....now did he really? I'm not stupid, I know what I saw and he has not even apologized for it. Point is, without the counseling I'm spiraling back down into the black hole.
At this moment, I see myself writing this same post at 3 years post DDay...I hope that ends up being false though.


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 185 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
lovehatelove
♀ 42541
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

smallbutstrong

but most days I still feel like he owes me for LIFE.

ummmm yeah! I think exactly in this way....!!

that we still in a parent/child relationship with me scolding him from up high and him feeling like a little boy in trouble. Well, yeah! Sorry! I'm sorry that our relationship has come to this, but that's what infidelity does!!!

YEP!!

I admit that I have done severe damage on this healing journey with my words and the tone in which I speak to him. But I feel like I have no filter because there are NO words that could hurt him the way he hurt me. So yeah, I just scream and scold. I don't know how to control this.

I don't know how to control it either...

I, too, expect SO much more from him now, and I'm not getting it.

I expect WH to be doing more also.. I want him to convince me that he's a changed man... I want him to sweep me off my feet and do things that are unexpected...!! riiiiiiight In my dreams...

[This message edited by lovehatelove at 10:11 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
Mom2Boys
♀ 42755
Member # 42755
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Mom2Boys at 11:30 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2014
undonelife
♀ 38421
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my goodness I am feeling this way now. The last couple days more so. I'm 15 months from DDay and a little over a year into R. I don't feel love for him most days. I don't really respect him. He's doing it all right but sometimes it feels like too little too late ! It would have been so easy to solve things between us before going to screw someone else & making me feel like crap & nothing to him. He only needed to open his mouth & tell me how he was feeling. I'd have made changes. I'd have gone to counseling with him. I would have been happy to grow with him. I was unhappy too & tried so hard to get his attention. It would have been so so easy to fix. We could have been so happy working on things together. I'm as pissed too. Lame weak SOB! It had to come to this to get him to wake up? I totally understand. This is just killing me to feel this way.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years (30 now)
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2

Posts: 196 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dont know anymore
ExposedNiblet
♀ 30803
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think sometimes, despite our best efforts to prove otherwise, infidelity ends up being the deal breaker.

I know it was for me. For a very long time, I wanted so desperately to keep my marriage - my family - in one piece. Granted, there were too many false Rs to count in my situation, but really, what ended up happening is that somewhere along the line, my love for him started dying. I don't know if it's possible to regain that love. I know I couldn't. The more time went on, the less I cared about him, and the less I respected myself for staying.

I'm divorced now. I was the one to pull the plug. It was the best decision I have ever made and I do not regret it at all. If I regret anything, it's that I didn't file sooner. I wasted too many years in limbo. It took a little getting used to, but I am happy and life has settled into a sweet little routine.

Good luck. (((painfulpast)))


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Topic Posts: 16

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