SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

ItStillHurts posted 3/12/2014 10:39 AM

And I surprised us both by saying that was because he did not anyone else to have me.

I am so sorry I said that, so sorry it came out like that.

I can only say now that I still have some anger to work through and not as far along as I had believed me to be.

I really hurt him.

I hate the word journey and now must use it....our journey continues, I have faith in us that we will make it.

lordhasaplan? posted 3/12/2014 11:10 AM

I have faith in us that we will make it

Tell him that. You still have work to do before you want to remarry. Because when you do that you want to go into a fresh start with a fresh start not carrying the remnants of the old marriage.

deena04 posted 3/12/2014 12:15 PM

It's ok. He asked and you said what came out at that moment. After betrayal, many words come out and he needs to remember that. Mine asked me the same thing right after dday. I told him (then) hell no! We have moved beyond hell no to I think so...

hear-me-roar posted 3/12/2014 14:21 PM

It is something to take to heart, that he asked you again to marry. I can understand how what you replied came out right-off the top of your head. It is difficult to believe sincerity after the A. Sometimes, after they say something that should be meaningful and helpful for recovery, a general first thought is, yah, Right! (for me anyway). Even though, what he said was sincere. In my head I go directly to thinking of what he must have told her.

It doesn't matter what else is happening in life, this always takes the front-&-center spot in your head. It can even be something he says with no connection to the A, and I can twist it in a split second and, on automatic pilot, come out with the most scalding remark about his past infidelity. I just feel horrible afterward. After almost seven yrs since, I have learned to catch myself most of the time now. I don't want to make comments like that. But, sometimes, they just walk right into it without connecting to it at all.

This happened the other day. Something funny happened and we were laughing. Then he said, "well, you can be replaced". It really was a joke. But, without a miss, I said, "I think you already tried that" and I walked off. Now, that wasn't right at all.

Maybe just explain to him where it's coming from. Lordhasaplan's plan sounds like a good plan.

brkn_heartd posted 3/12/2014 21:23 PM

I wasn't able to say yes when my FWH asked me. I know he was also hurt.....however, to me what would be the difference this time. I am starting to reconsider, but I have not decided yet.

Talk with you husband and work through it. Give yourself time to think about it and reconsider it. It may take years (or never) to be ready to do it. I am starting year 5 and not ready for it yet!

Have patience with him and yourself during this journey.

ItStillHurts posted 3/12/2014 22:28 PM

Thank you so much for your replies, for sharing. I feel less alone, less atypical, now.

I don't usually beat myself up anymore but that was cruel of me to say that. So he hasn't slept well since then and I am hoping we can start healing now. I hate that I see in him what he saw in me post DD.

We have talked and he understands now why I came out with that, I promised to him I am staying, am committed, just overwhelmed by the suddenness of it... if you can consider 1148 days of working towards this sudden.

We're going to work on my trust issues again, and he is going to read NJF again so he can relate better to the lingering of the A, those gut emotions that obviously heal at their own pace.

lordhasaplan? posted 3/13/2014 07:51 AM

This is what I deal with regularly. We think its in the rear view mirror and then it pops up in different places out of the blue. I call these move toward moments. Its an opportunity. Move toward one another, care, learn, join hands and move forward. Move toward each other and give each other what is needed.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 7:52 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]

ItStillHurts posted 5/1/2014 13:31 PM

Follow up post.

If you have been to counselling or can share insight, please do. We are trying so hard to work through all our issues and sometimes we come up against this stuff.

Note: I want the why and not the why that blames me.

He is working on it.
---------------------------

He has shared things with me from his childhood. Things his sisters had touched upon, things I will never understand because I have absolutely no frame of reference. I do not know how you can go home and hit your kid. Leave your kid in the car and go sit in the bar. Be that good guy at work and with friends and a complete db to your family.

Privately, I am angry at his his mom(d) for not protecting her little boy from an often drunk and abusive father, angry at his family for letting it go on- there is at least a generation between the oldest and the youngest- angry at his grandma(d) for refusing to believe that her first born turned out just like his dad. Who was in his corner? Just a shitty life for him but not for all of them, why is that? Why was everything his fault?

What do we do know: baby steps to healing the small boy inside him? move on, it's there, continue to focus on the relationship?

BTW, he loves / loved his mom, could easily do without seeing his sisters again ever I suppose, not much feeling of a family that was ever there for him.

TheBestMe posted 5/1/2014 14:04 PM

((hugs))

My H wants to renew our vows. Years ago, on our 10th anniversary, I wanted to go to Vegas and do a cheesy Elvis wedding. He was against it, and that hurt me. But, I did not revisit it because life got in the way. Subsequent to his LTA, my H talks about doing the Elvis wedding this year on our 25th.

I have had to bite my tongue off, to stop myself from saying " Hell to the NO! You couldn't keep your vows the first time. Why waste the money the second time?" Given the chance to go to Vegas, I'm taking it. However, renewing our vows is something that we have to thoroughly discuss.

Don't beat yourself up because of what you said. If that is how you truly feel, then it is a subject that the two of you can explore. I wondered if my H wanted me or did not want anyone else to have me. His answer was: "Both". I was good with that

ItStillHurts posted 5/2/2014 20:26 PM

mod please