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Husbands spiral made me crash

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cancuncrushed posted 3/12/2014 10:57 AM

H is having a tough time. Another breakdown of sorts. Second time in 5 yrs. both resulted from career changes in 30 yr career. A buyout. We still have one child in college. He's terrified he will loose his job. He is back on meds. He is a wreck. It is taking some time to work. He is very needy. Desperate
. I pointed out that his breakdown is much like post dday for me and he has ignored it. Never once asked if I was better or making improvement. Not one question. And he needs me like a toddler would. He strangely has teamed up with me like we have this in common. I lost it. I said the difference is you choose to do this to me. I'm sleeping with the devil. You are a mess thru career. How would he feel if a loved one made him feel this way every day?
We talked for three hours. It felt selfish. I felt I pushed it. He is brittle. But he shocked me by acting like we are the same. Then I decided if I feel this way , he can too. What better time then when it's clear and fresh for him. I told him every pain he caused and my opinion about that pain. He says he never looked at it that way. He avoids conflict and admits to that. He admits he doesn't consider my feelings much. He's old south old school. And wants to change. He is going to read. Not just friends when he levels out. This is a huge step for him. He was suprised when I said it will take years to fix me. Shocked. Really thought a week or two would be a huge step. We talked about divorce. Not wanting one. And ow. He still denies I received nothing but I did feel some relief. He was educated more then ever.
Now I am feeling like I live with a Cheater, weak, infant and I wonder would he manipulate this to prepare for his next travel job. Yes he would. I confronted him on this also and demanded he stop manipulating my love. Was I wrong to do this? I don't really care.

norabird posted 3/12/2014 11:01 AM

I confronted him on this also and demanded he stop manipulating my love. Was I wrong to do this?

You were honest; nothing wrong about that!

cvs2kkids posted 3/12/2014 14:24 PM


Your timing could have been better. If he's in the midst of mental breakdown, I'm not sure how clearly thinking he would be.

Also, I'm sure his mental health issues wreak havoc on you as well. Although there is never a good time to discuss A, some times are better then others.

cancuncrushed posted 3/12/2014 15:24 PM

I started out feeling guilty then anger took over. When he hugged me and thanked me and told me how strong I was to be able to deal with anxiety on my own. It was absurd. We seem to talk in third person like someone else does this to me. I am helping him in advice. I kept pulling away in every other way. I can't pamper him. It doesn't feel healthy. And there is a gut feeling he is working this to his advantage Would he? Yes.

Ostrich80 posted 3/12/2014 15:39 PM

It gets exhausting being the family cheerleader. Although the timing for him may not have been perfect, your entitled to have. a moment too. Your human. Cut yourself some slack. It's hard dealing with a needy ws when you be been stomped on by them.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 3:41 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]

cancuncrushed posted 3/13/2014 11:22 AM

H called his dr...Dr. is removing his meds...Seems he is having a bad reaction. ALmost manic..Will have to try something else...They will meet again today...I felt it was different..His first day of meds, his hands were shaking and he seemed worse instead of better... Its so frustrating...I hope they put him on his past meds. he only had them once, but it worked...Not sure what the deal is... He cant stop apologizing and praying... I know he is not himself, but he looks and seems so normal, I have to remember his mental state is not normal. I am going out for the day.

Lionne posted 3/13/2014 11:32 AM

You know, I did the opposite, I stuffed my feelings when my SAFWH was having all of his many crisises. All that accomplished was his continued sense that he could keep on abusing me and my continued denial of my own needs.

You expressed yourself well, he listened, I think it is a positive thing all around.

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