As I announced, currently dating a good man. There is only one area that I am unsure how to handle, and I've had conflicting IRL responses to this, so I'd see what SI has to say.
New Man (he needs a nickname…my BFF calls him SuperMan…not sure I'm quite ready to go there yet…) is well over his exww. No question. But, he did have another long relationship. exgf was 10 years younger and pursued him. They had one of those, from what he is describing, "intense connections", all rainbows and sparks, and in his words, "I was all about her and she was all about me". Well, after moving in together, she "freaked out when her son was dx with Autism" and asked him to move out. They continued to "work on the relationship" for several months afterwards, getting back together and breaking up several times. It finally ended last Thanksgiving when he discovered she was also dating someone else, and had been since May. So, cheating on him. He broke all contact and was very hurt.
What he describes is a fairly immature, emotional, drama girl. (she is just now 30, he is 40). She hated his exww and "that caused problems", gave HER exH a rash of shit about everything (to the point New Man said he felt sorry for her ex) and she and her ex broke up because "they were too young to handle marriage."
As I, and SI, can see….not a healthy relationship at the end. Not real sure it was a healthy one in the beginning. I hear that "post D first intense relationship and really difficult break up" when he talks about her. He acknowledges that getting over her was much harder than getting over his exww. SI can all agree that getting over that first post D relationship is a real bitch.
There is one tag of her on his FB page, all else was wiped clean. But, me being me, I followed that tag to see what she looked like. She is exotic and beautiful…and 30. All photos are of her in full makeup, hand on hip, looking sexy, full body poses. Us ladies know what I'm talking about. Showing off her body. A few pics of her kid. When I got to her page, New Man's mother and sister were recommended to me as "friends".
So….HIS mom and sister are still exgf's FB friends and I can see where his Mom commented on a very recent photo of her and her son.
I have not said a word to him about any of this. I have only asked if his family knew why they broke up, and he said "No, it is none of their business. I don't gossip." I have asked if he has told his family we are dating and he said, "No, I am a private person." He is not a regular FB user, just a few tags of photos that others have done. A few from his mom type stuff. Few of his dd from Christmas.
All this adds up to everything I have observed about him. He is a stoic, private man.
But, for me, the further I get into a relationship, I want some reassurance that he is "over" this exgf and won't go running back to her the moment she finds out about me and contacts him. I can feel that is what is going to happen.
I understand this is MY insecurity talking, but I don't HEAR where he is totally over her. He is still defending her actions a little. For example, when New Man moved in, her son slept in the bed with her (HUGE no-no in my book.) So son got upset when he was moved into his own room, and apparently was quite vocal. I said, "Yeah, it is never a good idea to let you kids sleep in the bed with you all the time…" His reply was, "Well, she was a single mom and needed sleep…you weren't there. It was how she survived."
I'm thinking….what I hear is you defending her.
If I am honest, I probably still defend my ex SO's actions a little too. So, I get defending someone. But, it's been almost a year since we had contact and New Man knows it is long over. There was only one instance of attempting to get back together and it was over again quickly when words and actions didn't meet.
OH, and I mentioned that saying, "When words and actions don't meet…you have a problem." He said to me like a week later, "When you said that it really rung a bell with me. That is how exgf treated me. She didn't want me, but she didn't want anyone else to have me either."
SOOOO. Do, I bring up that his Mom and Sis are still on her FB page? They've been broken up 5 months. No contact. He isn't ready to tell his family about me yet, and I think (for him) that is very normal. He has dated other women a few months and not introduced or mentioned. I don't want to look like a stalker, but I also want to be careful that I'm not "fighting her ghost", if you know what I mean.
He isn't bringing her up, except in context to the Aspie and Dyslexia stuff going on with my kids. He went to all the doc appointment with exgf and son and was very involved in that process…so he has "beentheredonethat". When he DOES talk, I can hear the pain still. THAT is what bothers me a little.
He seems to be into me, no flags at all. Words and actions meet 99% of the time. Tells me he likes me, easy talk of monogamy and some very early "future talk". I don't feel pushed into anything. He isn't rushing monogamy or a relationship or sex. It is just easy and natural.
My BFF says let sleeping dogs lie and don't say another word and just fucking be happy. Other friends have said if it bothers me, I need to pursue it.
What says SI??