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Dealing with inpatience

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Prayingforhope posted 3/12/2014 12:23 PM

I've been working on my patience lately with the situation and even though I have never tried to speed up my wife's process she has stated numerous times she finds me inpatient and rushing her healing process. As you can imagine I have reassured her multiple time in MC that I will wait for as long as she needs. I keep saying this over and over again in the hopes that it helps.

But maybe I am impatient. My therapist noted that on my lowest days I have a tendency to say things like "let's just get it over with". Referring of course to the threatening D that I feel is hanging over my head, ready to drop at a moment's notice. But this is all tied up in my own fears, my upbringing, the way my mom surprised my dad with their D, the way my sister surprised her husband with their D. Unfortunately I've only see one horrible model for how Ds get dropped like bombs.

Well my therapist helped me make an amazing realization. The destination may be worse, a lot worse, than the journey. My mom raced into D just to avoid the hard work of rebuilding her M. My sister did the same thing TWICE with her different husbands.

Across both examples, they avoided the immediate pain and suffering and work to rebuild BUT only to sign up to a LIFETIME of pain and suffering from an unresolved marriage. It shocked me when I dug into in IC, but D is just a legal state...it doesn't solve anything and in many cases (from what I have seen in my own family) it makes things worse for all involved.

So here I am realizing that the journey, as tough as it may be and as long as it may last, is probably better than a destination. Powerful thoughts for me as I settle into the 5th month since DDay, have no contact with my amazing wife and pray every day to give me the patience to continue on this long journey.

painfulpast posted 3/12/2014 12:30 PM

pfh, is there an end to this journey? It's been 5 months with no contact, and no glimmer of hope from what I've read. How long is this to last? How long will you continue like this?

I'm not judging you, your BS, or the situation. I'm just wondering if there is a finish line, or if you're to stay in limbo for years if that's what your BS wants.

I'm not big on timelines, but 5 months with no real sign of movement one way or another - that can't be easy.

I agree that sometimes the destination is worse than the journey. Sometimes. I don't think that's always the case, and I wouldn't say that being in complete limbo, without the opportunity to discuss things, to allow you to help your BS heal, to even see any progress at all - that to me seems like the worst hell of all.

So, is there some agreement to move forward in one direction or another, or for now are you content letting your BS dictate these things as part of what she needs to heal?

Just wondering is all - no judgment in any direction.

Prayingforhope posted 3/12/2014 12:46 PM

Thanks painfulpast, I can only agree with you - this is tough. Tougher than anything I have ever done before.

In terms of timelines, my BS always said a 6 month separation was her terms. That means we're talking end April or May for her to decide something, but I don't know what that will be. Maybe she asks for this to continue forever and then the hard decisions falls back to me?

We have our monthly MC session next week, so I'm hoping I get some insights into her healing process and if she can even talk to me yet...but I'm not betting on much. I saw her briefly in the house this weekend and it was pure anger towards me, i.e. no movement.

Prayingforhope posted 3/12/2014 12:51 PM

Also, I just want to add that the thing that hurts the most, above everything else, is that she won't talk to me. She can't talk to me as she is still SO ANGRY...

So I understand why there is no progress since she is so hurt and so upset, but what if she can never talk to me again? That is my worst fear of all - for me, for her healing, for the kids, for our family.

I've learned through 4 months of IC that talking IS the solution and we're nowhere on that front...

HUFI-PUFI posted 3/12/2014 13:03 PM

Slight T/J ..

painfulpast - I'm just wondering if there is a finish line, or if you're to stay in limbo for years if that's what your BS wants.

You don't stay in limbo if that's what your BS wants, you decide to stay in limbo because that what you choose to do.

HUFI

End of T/J


Prayingforhope - So here I am realizing that the journey, as tough as it may be and as long as it may last, is probably better than a destination.

Maybe that's why they say patience is a virtue ... I think that once you let go of the outcome and just do the work, then you will find a certain zen like healing happen.

HUFI

painfulpast posted 3/12/2014 13:09 PM

You don't stay in limbo if that's what your BS wants, you decide to stay in limbo because that what you choose to do.

In theory, I agree. In this case - slight misinterpretation (probably my fault):

What I meant was, is there a timeline with the BS, or does the BS believe that PFH is to stay in limbo if that is what she decides she wants. I wasn't asking if he would follow her lead into limboland. I was asking if she had acknowledged that she was not giving PFH clear expectations.

Again - if PFH was to stay in limbo, it MUST be because that's what he chooses to do. Anything else only adds to the issues in the marriage.

Prayingforhope posted 3/12/2014 13:41 PM

Hi both, thanks for responses. I think I have a clear agreement with my BS. We're to be separated 6 months and then discuss where we go from there.

I absolutely agree to the timeline and the separation for all the reasons you know - I need the space for own work, she needs the space to heal and the last thing anyone wants is to rush into a decision without the time to calm down, heal, talk, etc. especially with three small kids involved.

Who knows what the 6 month mark will bring, but like Hufi said, wonderfully, thankfully, I have begun to let go that outcome. In terms of zen-like, I am starting to feel it...in fact I had such an amazing Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues, which is one of the reasons I am convinced today was a poor day...it's the world rebalancing itself!

Shayna71 posted 3/12/2014 16:27 PM

Pfh, I am a BS. I can't believe that your MC sessions are only once a month. How can your wife or you make any decisions when you don't have any contact on a normal basis and only have MC once a month? You are planning a 6 month separation to heal and be able to make decisions from there and you will only have had 6 hours of concentrated talk? ! That seems impossible. I know every BS and WS is different but I can't imagine my H being gone and having NC with him helping me heal. .. or at least helping me heal the marriage... maybe helping me move on without him. But seeing the things he does every day; the look on his face when infidelity is the topic of a TV show, the way he handles my triggers and meltdowns, the times he just grabs me and tells me how much I mean to him and how very sorry he is.. those are the things that little by little help. Your wife is obviously in a far different place. I hope she just needs time to be vulnerable again. It's a scary scary thing to give someone who has. hurt you so bad the ability to hurt you again. How can she feel safer about you or believe you have changed and really get it if she doesn't see it? I hope for all your sakes that she is able to start communicating with you. .. even if she needs to hold on to her anger.

BrokenButTrying posted 3/12/2014 16:37 PM

Limbo is hell, necessary, but still hell. I think it's natural to get impatient sometimes, as long as you realise where that impatience is coming from and it sounds like you do.

I don't think it hurts to think about the possible outcomes for the end of the six month timeline. You have let go of the outcome, D or R. But what if BW says she can't decide and requests a further six months?

I agree with PP and HUFI, limbo has to be something that you are happy to do.

1bigidiot79 posted 3/12/2014 21:01 PM

Praying, for some reason I feel like our BS's are very similar. I relate to a lot of how you describe your BS wih the exception of me being in the house. I finally got to the place of letting go of the outcome recently and I can tell you it has made a world of difference. I finally gave up my last TT and I feel so different now. I now know I can truly lay my head on my pillow at night without having to hide anything anymore. The fact that I am in limbo doesn't really bother me because I have faith that if I continue to do my best then we either R or eventually D. Obviously I want to R more than anything in the world but I know I did this to her and I have to live with the consequences. I don't worry about the limbo because I try to find the happy things and positive things in my life. Like my son and being here with him. I am exercising more and staying busy. I feel so much better knowing that I am doing my best and that's all I can do.
I realize there may come a day if she never makes any progress that I have to make a decision but I'm betting it won't come to that. I'm betting on us being together because I'm working my ass off trying to get better every day. If I continue to do that I have faith she will see it. Time will tell.
Hang in there.

Prayingforhope posted 3/13/2014 03:27 AM

Thank you everyone for listening to my pain as I work through this to a better day.

@Shayna, you touched on my biggest fear and my strongest hope. I'm deeply scared that she is simply moving on without me. In my simple brain, it's tough to draw other conclusions during NC, BUT, you also touched on my hope that she is also just healing herself so that some day, she will be able to talk to me again and we might rebuild.

The good news is, across either scenario, I know I will survive. This process has taught me above all else, I will get through it and as a better person. Thank God I know that as a fact, because I could not have stated that the first month or so after DDay.

@bigidiot, I appreciate your POV and agree with your thoughts. Like you, I am endlessly devoted to my wife, so happy to stay in limbo as long as it takes. It just amazes me how important healthy activities are - when I am with the boys, when I am working hard, when I am exercising, etc. it is so much easier to focus on the positives and let go of the outcome. Yesterday I was lazy, I encountered some triggers I didn't expect from my BS, and poof, serenity goes out the window.

Powerful reminder to me to just CONTINUALLY keep working on the right things. In the end, that will be how I find happiness in life, regardless of the outcome.

Thank you ALL for your ongoing support and thoughts.

Lost1000 posted 3/13/2014 03:59 AM

PFH, I am glad you are optimistic about getting through this all. I live with my BH all these time, it's so tough... but I think the first two months after DDay I was more optimistic than now, 7 months post... I guess back then I didn't even realize how hard this process will be. We are together, my H says we will stay together and be fine, but the rollercoster is so demanding I often think I am not going to make it out of it alive. I don't want to break up my family, I want to be with my H, but sometimes I just feel as if the only way out is to end my life... so desperate... :(

Prayingforhope posted 3/13/2014 07:15 AM

Lost1000, take care of yourself. There will be bad days because of the bad decisions we made BUT you are not a bad person and this is NOT, absolutely NOT, a bad life.

Also, if your final comment about taking your own life was serious, please seek professional help ASAP. Suicide hotlines, the religious community, therapy, all of it is available to you if you feel like you're on your last step...there WILL BE better days ahead.

steadychevy posted 3/13/2014 08:07 AM

Please, Lost1000, take care of yourself. Get some help. For immediate help call a hotline like PFH suggests just above but get some longer term care as well.

I am a BH. We are 6 months post DDay. It is tough. Worst ride ever. And you are right - it felt like more progress was made in the early months than right now, IMO. Future uncertain. My WW is trying and it is very difficult for her, too. She has lied and denied and lied and denied for so long that every disclosure is painful for her. Denial then disclosure, TT, huge gaps in memory. Never disclose anything without a very specific, direct question. Blame shifting. But we are slowly and painfully working on it.

It will not be easy no matter the outcome. I guess the true test of having success from this terrible situation is in having two damaged people be able to heal enough to have reasonably happy, healthy lives whether together or apart.

I hope you won't mind if I pray for you, Lost. From what I have read here and on other posting boards and books, books, books is that there are many ups and downs. Progress is very difficult to see on a day by day, week by week basis. Don't even look for it. Sometime you can look back and see that you have come a long way. Hang in there. Look after yourself. Get what ever help you need. Please.

Ted

somethingremorse posted 3/13/2014 08:32 AM

I know that everyone heals at their own rate, if at all. So there is no "normal." But I have the same thoughts as Shayna71. Maybe you should examine what you are getting out of your MC sessions.

There are lots of times that getting to the next MC session is my biggest goal. I know that if we can make it to that session, that we'll have a safe place to talk. BW gets to express all hurt and concerns. BW participates an lot. We usually both cry. But at the end of the session, I think we feel hopeful. MC is a lifesaver.

We were going to MC about every 10-14 days. Right now we have fallen back to every 3 weeks. Plus BW and I make sure we talk a couple of times a week at least. We discuss every IC session I have. I know that I am incredibly lucky that BW has given me this opportunity. I just wanted to point out that you two are spending so much less time working this out together than a lot of people here. I know she wants her space. But you should both realize that you need to put in the time together to eventually move through these issues.

It must be very scary for your BW to face this. That may be one reason that she is taking it slowly. Hang in there.

Prayingforhope posted 3/13/2014 09:02 AM

hi somethingremorse, the missing piece perhaps is that we are not in R. My wife has clearly stated time and time again since DDay she does not want nor is she ready to offer me the gift of R.

In her words, the monthly MC session is "a regular check up on her messed up husband's mental health" and nothing more. At the start of every session the marriage counselor asks me and then her if we are ready to work on the marriage...my wife, thus far has always said "no" and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

I could say it's hard for her, it's painful, she hates me, etc. but the honest answer is I have no idea what is going on inside her head. I pray every day she becomes willing to talk and offers me a chance to show her the person I am becoming, but the reality is it just may never happen.

BUT that is not stopping me from becoming a new person anyways and THIS, when you strip out all the emotions, fears, panics, etc. is what my process is all about - I have to heal ME for ME!

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