I don't see them before they go to bed at night and I don't see them when they wake up. If they have a nightmare, daddy is not home. If they have a cold, daddy is not there to help. I don't get to tuck them in when I go to bed - that almost magical process of a father pulling the covers over his sleeping sons - something I have done for 12 years but have lost as a result of my A.
The worst part is the closer I get to them (and the four of us have become so close since DDay) the more I miss them. I can feel how unnatural it is to be a father living 5 minutes away from my children but not being able to put them to bed at night.
If I get off my pity pot, I admit this is just one more painful consequence of my A and for now, I need to work through it and continue to be the best father I can be while living under a different roof. My efforts over the last 4 months have proven how feasible that is, but it still hurts.
The consequences of your A must hurt, otherwise they are not consequences and there is no motivation for change. You are hurting, you can see those around you hurting and you are changing. You are not wallowing in your guilt, you are not running and hiding. You are changing, setting the best example for your children.
It was your words in your previous posts about being separated from your children that made it really hit home for me about how awful it must be for my BH. The pain you feel is palpable in all your posts here. I feel for you.
Sending strength.
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14 His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
Prayingforhope - I miss my kids. Don't get me wrong, I get an amazing amount of time with them even though I'm separated from my BS, but I don't live with them and that's hard and it hurts.
I'm sure that it hurts like hell to be separated from the kids but sometimes, when you wish for more, that's the time to be simply grateful for what you do have.
Some people keep a Gratitude Journal, where you write at least once a week, listing 5 things that you are grateful for. It can be mundane (grateful to having a working hot water heater) to the sublime (great friend) but the key is that you should be able to find something. Its all about forcing ourselves to pay attention to the good things in life that otherwise, we would just take for granted.
If you were making a entry today, what else could it say?
HUFI
We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures – Thornton Wilder
I'm grateful for my kids - 3 amazing boys who know their father at a deeper level than anytime previous in their lives.
I'm grateful for cooking - this amazing skill I've been able to discover and experience as a result of the tragedy in my life.
I'm grateful for my landlady - She has become a bit of mother-hen to me, and I can't describe it, but if you believe in karma, I know I was meant to meet her.
I'm grateful for my father, who has been able to share his own survival story with me, having survived the wrath of my mom's divorce from him and then 25 years later, the lost of his second wife to cancer. My father knows pain and loneliness on a first name basis and he helps me daily through my own trauma.
Finally, I'm grateful for my wife, who despite being betrayed, lied to, abandoned and killed by the man she loved, is still here, barely, holding up our family home while she fights for her own survival in the middle of what I have done. A different woman would have killed me or divorced me months ago for what I did, but the love of my life is still thinking things over.
And amazingly, it works....already I feel better than before. Thanks Hufi.
Prayingforhope - I'm grateful for my kids, I'm grateful for cooking, grateful for my landlady, for my father, and finally, I'm grateful for my wife ... already I feel better than before.
I'm glad the gratitude exercise helped you. From what you wrote, you do have a lot of things in your life to be grateful for.
And in one of those interesting serendipity things that proves that karma exits ...
I woke up this morning feeling quite sad too. I was feeling sad that LF and I no longer share the same intimacy that we once did. Pre-A, cuddling and intimacy was just a natural and normal part of our life but now, its different and my sadness came from knowing this new world we live in is of my own making. And for a brief period of time this morning, this emotion ruled my heart.
But then ...
As I logged on and I read your post, I was reminded that instead of feeling sadness, I should be focusing on the joy of what we do have. I should be grateful for what I do have, not feeling sad for what I lost.
So with a bit of reflection, I can say that while I may be a bit melancholic this morning, I am also very grateful that I still have the enjoyment of cuddling up to her and breathing in her smell in the morning. I have the joy of bringing her first coffee to her in the morning. I have the joy of knowing that I can make her a supper tonight that will be healthy and filling. I have the joy of anticipating a fun time sharing her with her cousin tomorrow, in our kitchen, making homemade pizza. I have these joys in my life because she didn't let what I had done to her life rule her heart. I am grateful today that she gave me a second chance. I am grateful and joyful.
You gotta look for the good in the bad, the happy in your sad, the gain in your pain, and what makes you grateful not hateful - Karen Salmonsohn
