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Mom23DC posted 3/12/2014 13:52 PM

Does the process of working through all this shtuff have to be so slow? Since DDays I believe that WH has done everything "right", as far as I can tell. He has had NC and I believe he has answered most of my questions truthfully.
Frustrating part is that I feel like he has kept the biggest secret (PA) from me for so long that it seems like now that its all out there in the open, he is free from that burden and able to move on. It is not that easy for me. He made the call and began IC but at this point has had 1 session & his next session is not until April. He said that unless he was suicidal or something more drastic that was the soonest the counselor could fit him in. I believe this but find it soooo stressful to be dragging this whole process on.
I don't know if we can recover fully from this and that is somewhat dependent on what he works through in IC. I was looking for a reason to leave before I found out about his infidelity because even before I knew I was pretty sure he didn't really want to be married or have kids (ummm, too late). Now that I have my reason it's not that easy to walk away.
Grrrrrr... I hate this. Guess, I have to face it that it's time for me to begin IC for myself so that I take control over moving forward (in whatever direction). And no, I still have not told anyone (other than here) what has happened. I am ashamed for him.

Breezy150 posted 3/12/2014 14:27 PM

I agree with you completely, it is so overwhelming to think how long this all takes.

tushnurse posted 3/12/2014 14:27 PM

I have to face it that it's time for me to begin IC for myself so that I take control over moving forward (in whatever direction). And no, I still have not told anyone (other than here) what has happened. I am ashamed for him

I don't know you well enough to know if you really need IC or not, but I can tell you that if you don't start putting you and your needs first then you will never properly heal from this. His healing is up to him, and yours is on you. Yes he did this and broke the M, and broke you, but he can't put you back together, that has to happen from within. He can support, and hold the pieces while you glue, but he can't do the work for you.

In addition it sounds like you are waiting on therapy to be the magic bullet to cure/heal/help him. There is a ton of stuff he can and should be doing on his own.
He should be reading books on how to help your spouse heal, he should be giving you all the support and reassurance that you need. He also should be as transparent as a window, and as kind as the pope.

Lastly it is not your job or responsibility to carry the shame of his choices. Find one person to share with. A sibling that won't judge no matter your decision, a pastor, a coworker that has BTDT, but someone. YOU will find that getting it out, sharing with someone helps to lift the burden. Don't get me wrong SI helped me through all this, and probably kept me mostly sane, but nothing takes the real life support that you can get.

(((and strength))))

Mom23DC posted 3/12/2014 17:07 PM

Definitely don't see counseling as the magic pill (though I understand what you mean), but more that I need him to go to the sessions enough to know if he is going to follow through with recommendations and work through some of his background issues. Only then do I feel like I will know if fully committing to R is worth my time. I need to see action, not just hear the words.
I also wonder if IC for myself is the way to go because then it will be a neutral party that I can unload all this on and not fear judgement later on. There are other factors as well that contribute to my sense of being overwhelmed right now...not only am I trying to figure out the marriage role, but am also trying to be a good mother and keep my kids sheltered. My youngest has special needs and his behavior has been very challenging lately (husband is NO help in this area). Plus, I am in nursing school. I would like nothing more than to escape my life for a little bit some days. So, that's where the "taking care of me" part becomes difficult. No time to deal with extra shit.
Thank you for your replies. I haven't posted here very often but sometimes I just need to vent.

[This message edited by Mom23DC at 5:08 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]

tushnurse posted 3/12/2014 20:58 PM

Ok based on your prior Post I thought counseling was you only hope. I totally get how tough being a mom and being in nursing school and taking care of you can be.

It may be that you out yourself first by focusing on school and being able to support yourself. R and the decision to R doesn't have to be made today, tomorrow, next week, or next month. Let his actions show you if the gift of R is worth offering.

By doing that you are putting yourself and your needs first. You absolutely have to take care of you. If you don't no one else will.

(((( and strength ))))

IsthereEVERanend posted 3/13/2014 10:06 AM

I believe you should understand that the odds are against your marriage and love for your spouse ever again being the same. Not too sound harsh or to discourage you, but that part of your life is now gone forever.
Hopefully in its place you will find something new and exciting you will be able to build on.
Wishing the best for you and your family.

LAFA posted 3/13/2014 10:15 AM

It also seems that your husband needs to start being a help to you with your special needs child. His time to be able to skate on that responsibility should be over.

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