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Talking about & ? About OW/double betrayal

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Lethealbegin posted 3/12/2014 14:22 PM

Hi Maybe y'all can answer this for me.
So sorry this is a little long

Back story the OW was a friend and neighbor. She did a lot of sick things to me during and after disclosure. She also has moved! Thank you god! Anyway I thought I put her behind me. Altough in Janurary I went to "that house" for a football game and pizza. Well from the time my son rang the bell until we left I was triggering about so much. It seemed to bring everything to the surface about her and him. Then their was a lot other triggers over the next month. I was down from going over there then the other triggers brought me down further. Went to the Dr for my med check up and I told her what is going on and she tells me I have PTSD. That it has been almost three years and your triggers are so vivid with such detail that it would be helpful if I get EDMR.

Okay I look for one and go to my first visit. It was to get to know you visit. I tried to tell her everything but it was too much information. She told me I may need a few regular sessions to talk about her since she is top of mind. Okay so that week I have two situations come up that I see something pertaining to her family. One I thought I saw her Daughter I blinked and of course she was not there because she would not be here and the second one was seeing her moms car but it was a black SUV. So with that being said I read up on PTSD and that is one of the symtoms so then it made it a real illness to me. In the mean time my Gut has been screaming at me that he is still lying and hiding things from the past. This would be the reason I have not been successful at R because anytime I would take some bricks down my gut would tell me danger danger then I would eventually listen and put them back up. Also during these three years I have said too many times about being honest and TT. Then I suggest a polygraph send him info said no problem. During our MCsessions this is all I want to talk about is my gut feelings truth and why I can not move forward. The MC agrees with me about if he is lying I will never be able to R. We talked about this in two sessions. The third one we start with my gut and etc.. He finally tells us he is holding lies, omissions and half truths. Well my stomach does flips the MC tells me see your gut was right. Aren't you happy (well not really but okay) I have to leave session for another appointment but before I leave my WH states he wants a couple of days to get everything out because he wants to write it all down and take his time so he does not leave anything out. Well to say my stomach was doing flips is an understatement! Anyway I feel like I am going to jump out if my skin. I go on with my day. He comes home and after we get the kids to bed he makes a list I say aren't you going to tell me anything tonight because I am so anxious and etc... He tells me that the MC and him discussed it and he will get it to me by Friday! Well needless to say I could not sleep. I tell him this in morning and texted him all day about how I was feeling and that he has put me through enough over the past 4 plus years and etc... So when he gets home he tells me he can not stand to see me like this and he will tell be the big stuff when we get the kids to bed. Well that could not come fast enough for me. So it comes he tell me he kissed another woman 18 years ago and he stopped because it was wrong. He was sick about what he had done that he was freaking out inside about it and etc... Tells me some TT about the affair that was so stupid for him to lie about because they were about stupid stuff. That does not upset me as much as this kiss.

Forward to today he wants to get help about his lies with his counselor, books online groups and etc... So he will stop it because just saying it is not going to work. He started lying when he was a child. He lived in a abusive home because of his drunk dad!! He was such a mean man that he died alone. So he is going to get help and work hard on this. So he says. Words mean nothing to me rightfully so.

My question is he told me that he did not want to talk about the OW my x friend because it upsets him that he did what he did and he did not see her for who she was.(crazy) feels he is also responsible for what she did to me during the A. Meaning if he would of seen her for what she really was he would of stopped and protected me.
But I still have questions because he may of not answered my questions in the beginning truthfully. He has told me of some lies he told me about it but can not remember the little stuff. So he said he would do a time line for me and maybe that will help. Because he does not want to lie or hide anything from me any longer.

But it upsets me that he wants me to get over her and move past her. But if he did not do this to me with an friend of mine I would not have as much questions and would not trigger as bad. I have two things to trigger about my false history with her and the things she did to me and what he did also. And to TT and tell me he kissed another woman does that not bring me back to square one?

Sorry this is so long!
Thank you in advance for any replies Y'all are the best!!

Allornothing posted 3/12/2014 18:41 PM

Oh, honey, I hear you. My story is so similar to yours, it's scary (except the bat sh!t crazy OW still lives right next door!)

I understand him saying that he doesn't want to talk about your x "friend", but this is not about what he wants, it's about what you NEED. You need the truth, and you deserve no less.

Perhaps he didn't see her for what she was, but does he now? If so, he needs to talk to you about that too.

And, honestly, he IS responsible for what happened here. Sure, she was your "friend", but HE was your husband.

The only way to sort this out in your mind is to talk, talk, talk. He says it hurts him, but what about you? You were the one that wasn't given a choice in this situation; he and his AP made all of the choices for you, so, now, he really needs to suck it up and talk as much and as often as you need to. The time-line is also a good idea, it can help to set things straight.

Hopefully, if he is completely truthful, you may one day get past her, but, you need what you need, and if he's serious about healing your marriage, then it's up to him to provide whatever it is that helps you.

Sending you strength honey, and hoping that one day OW becomes nothing more to you than sh!t on your shoe!

Lethealbegin posted 3/13/2014 09:14 AM

I am so sorry she still lives next to you. That has to be very very hard.

I spoke with WH again about this and he agreed that he was the one that did not protect me from her and that if I needed to talk about it I can. I hate this!!!!!


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