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AndreaL posted 3/12/2014 20:07 PM

I just don't feel like I'm in love with my WS anymore....I may love him, but his act of infidelity made me love him less. I just don't see myself ever loving him completely again. Does anyone else feel this way?

Allornothing posted 3/12/2014 20:09 PM

(((AndreaL)))

Every day, honey, every damn day...

AndreaL posted 3/12/2014 20:13 PM

That's what I'm afraid of...his affair killed my love for him. Giving me no option but to walk away. I can't be with a man I don't love or respect.

Allornothing posted 3/12/2014 20:43 PM

I'm just hoping that the more work he does on himself, the more respect I will gain for him (this has been happening). I still love him, but it's certainly not the same. The love I have now is tainted with all of the bullsh!t, but I'm sure that this will change in time, IF, and only if, he does the work.

Sending you strength

scarednbroken posted 3/12/2014 20:49 PM

I think dday 1 18 years ago he started killing my love. Then as each new dday came and went, I would feel more and more dead. It is to the point now that i think I only stayed bc I was insecure about raising my kids alone (which I did anyway) and not being financially able... Which is still up for debate. I became bitter and resentful that he got everything he wanted and I had to settle for less.... :( yeah it kills the love. I have reached to merely "caring" and barely that. Sigh. It makes me wonder if I can ever love again - anyone other than my kids, mom, brother, dogs....

It will be a tough road. He will have to work for it. Build you up again - keep in mind tho-- it will not be the same. I saw on FB a post that said... "Take a piece of paper, crumple it up. Then flatten it out and apologize to it. No matter how much you try, it will never be the same. Even if you use an iron on it." I see an A as worse than crumpling... It's more of tearing pieces off and R is taping then together. Still looks like paper but just not the same. I may have a jaded view due to my experiences tho....

I hope the best for you. Hugs...

stunnedin12 posted 3/12/2014 21:01 PM

Yep.

Such is the reason I no longer post on the reconciling board. Wh wants to rebuild our marriage. I am seeing changes in him - The problem is I don't know that I want to reconcile with someone I don't have real feelings for anymore.


scarednbroken - the paper analogy is great.

lostinthesouth posted 3/12/2014 21:27 PM

Raising hand--right there with you all!! Told my wh that if he fell in a tank full of sharks--I would walk away. I'm in a better place than I was about 2 months ago. Two months ago--I probably would've pushed him into the shark tank I'm only 6 mos out--so we will see. Hang in there and give yourself some time. (I hate that word now )

Hosea posted 3/12/2014 22:31 PM

AndreaL:

I have a question, given your circumstances and feelings. (Really, for anybody who feels they love their Wayward spouse less post affair...)

If your former Wayward Spouse, over time, proved he/she had become a radically better man/woman since the affair-- more sensitive, more in tune with your needs, just better all around-- do you think you'd still be unable to fully love him/her as you did before?

I don't think there's a wrong answer here-- I'm just curious if people have opinions on this.

soloney posted 3/13/2014 00:59 AM

When I ask my WS why are we still together. He says it's because we love each other. I don't know if that is true for me.

The TT made it seem even harder to love him. But I'm still here, still trying.

Best to you

IsthereEVERanend posted 3/13/2014 01:33 AM

I can relate. I love my wife but its not the same. I wish it could be like it was twenty five years ago but its not to be. I'm not saying Its not good, its just never going to be like it was. I can feel her pain from her broken heart and she feels mine but it is what it is.
Wishing the best for you.

IsthereEVERanend posted 3/13/2014 01:53 AM

Hosea, to answer your question/s. Yes, in my case it would make a difference, but there are too many triggers out there still. It is a life sentence, unfortunately.

Healinggirl posted 3/13/2014 03:59 AM

AndreaL, for a long time I felt my love for fWH had been crushed. Now 16 months later, I love him differently.

Following on from Hosea's post, it's because he's truly remorseful. His consistent changes for the better have caused my love for him to grow. It's not the blind love I had before, but a mature love for an imperfect person.

The other day we were going out and I was taking my time with my hair and make-up. Pre A he would have got mad for me making us late, so I apologised, but he said 'After everything you've forgiven, you never need to apologise for something so small ever again.'

I don't explain myself very well, but I do believe that provided the WS does the real work, love can come back into the relationship.

Remorse is the key that unlocks the heart of the BS.

[This message edited by Healinggirl at 4:00 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]

Hosea posted 3/13/2014 08:21 AM

HealingGirl:

The other day we were going out and I was taking my time with my hair and make-up. Pre A he would have got mad for me making us late, so I apologised, but he said 'After everything you've forgiven, you never need to apologise for something so small ever again.'

Wow-- that's poignant! That kind of gentle, gracious acknowledgement of the worth of your forgiveness does so much good. I wish more Betrayeds got to hear that kind of thing.

rachelc posted 3/13/2014 08:26 AM

If your former Wayward Spouse, over time, proved he/she had become a radically better man/woman since the affair-- more sensitive, more in tune with your needs, just better all around-- do you think you'd still be unable to fully love him/her as you did before?

I don't think there's a wrong answer here-- I'm just curious if people have opinions on this

.

I don't know how mine could become radically better. He wasn't that bad to start with. He's the same person just not cheating now.

deena posted 3/13/2014 08:31 AM

Yes I do as well.

Couple that with a rugsweeper that feels its ok to just pretend everything is ok when it is far from that.

My Wh doesn't realize that just because he may not be cheating anymore it doesn't mean that he has "fixed" things. That is not all he has to do!!

(((AndreaL))))

solus sto posted 3/13/2014 08:38 AM

Yes, I shared the feeling (and do again in a much more final way). But from the perspective of someone who "reconciled," I can tell you that you can return to the love you knew. I'm not there any more (false R), but was for a long time. It was nice :)

WhiteCarrera posted 3/13/2014 08:56 AM

Hosea -- I just feel like it's a bunch of doors, and you never know what's behind one until you open it. AND once you open a door, you never know what might have been behind the others.

If she hadn't opened that affair door, would we now be in a better place? I don't know. Maybe a bunch of these doors (including the affair door) all lead to the same place -- who knows?

I think that has been one of my biggest misconceptions -- "If only she hadn't done that, things would be so much better now!" Do I really know that? What I've finally decided is that every door (and what's behind it) is different, and I have no idea how it would have turned out, regardless of her choices (or mine). It's all the "What if..."s that have kept me from really embracing her now, in R.

AndreaL posted 3/13/2014 10:33 AM

Hosea, I don't know. My WS is remorseful, but to me, my dad cheated on my mom, and my husband knew how badly that messed me up, I think an affair may be a deal breaker for me.

Jennifer99 posted 3/13/2014 13:41 PM

I am no longer trying to R, moved to D, BUT, thinking back over the last 2 years - it wasn't the A that lessened my love. The repeated hurt, lies, manipulations, putting others before "us" or me, the trivializing of my feelings, disrespect...it was all that came after, not the A.

Alex CR posted 3/13/2014 14:44 PM

Time is a dreaded word, but it did allow me to get over the shock of finding my H had a five year LTA, grieve for what was lost, get pissed at the SOB and let him know it and then, at about a year out from Dday, discover I really did want to try R ...not just because I knew I still loved him and we'd spent our life together, but because H was doing his damnedest to help me heal and fix what he broke. And it took at least another two years before I felt safe enough to really let myself love him, to become vulnerable again.

Heading towards five years now, the length of H's betrayal, I have to say I really love him and life is sweet. I am happy and feel joy again. I do not love him innocently anymore but love him with all his faults and insecurities which, to be honest, I'd never really given weight to in the first 29 years of our marriage.

Infidelity can be a deal breaker, but the best advice I received when I came to SI was that I didn't have to make any life changing decisions for a year...and I'm glad I waited. The range of emotions I experienced after Dday did not allow me to think clearly.

If your H is willing to do the work which may require you both get help through MC and/or IC, you might just find your feelings changed in a year and your family intact with a future.....if not, you haven't lost anything by trying. WS's actions will always speak louder than words. Hugs to you and your little ones....

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