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littleflower posted 3/13/2014 02:46 AM

Does it make it more likely that you will try and work it out with your WS ?

NotDefeatedYet posted 3/13/2014 03:04 AM

I didn't leave immediately because I don't want my kids to experience what I went through when my parents got divorced.

stronger08 posted 3/13/2014 03:30 AM

In my case I don't think so. My parents stayed together for life. Their M ended when my Dad died and my mom never remarried and passed later. If there was an example of a couple who should have D it was them. They hated each other and let me tell you growing up with them was no picnic. I don't know if it was Catholic guilt or financial reasons, but they stayed together and were miserable. I don't think that infidelity played a part, but there have been rumors on both sides. Shit two days before my father died of a long bout with cancer he wanted to smother her in her sleep. And he was not kidding and the only thing that stopped him was he did not have the strength to do it. I shit you not !!!!!

Personally I swore to never be like them. But even with infidelity and all the bullshit that went with it I gave my M another shot. My XWW and I had a very short attempt at R. She tried lying her way through it and it did not work out. I left for good after I found out about broken NC. For me my parents M had nothing to do with my decision. I ended it because I could no longer be with a person who disrespected me that much. A person willing to lie to my face in order to cover up their behaviors. In retrospect it was not the actual infidelity that doomed my M, it was her behaviors afterwards that made me want out.

UKgirl posted 3/13/2014 04:56 AM

I had a perfect example of a wonderful marriage in my parents. They were born in the 1920s and so had the experience of WWII, my Dad was in the RAF in the Far East. They met in the accounts dept of the new NHS hospital and md 18mths later and had my older brother and sister and then my twin brother and I were born.

My Dad spent most of his 30s suffering from kidney stones at that time a life threatening condition ending up with enough of one kidney to survive. Mum held things together and managed to see him in the hospital which was quite a journey for her at that time. The experience bonded them more fiercely than welded steel. Mum went back to work as soon as we youngest were at school. She had to, in case she ended up a young widow. Then she trained to be a teacher, which she did until she retired.

Dad had several bouts of serious illness over the years (cancers and stones) but they viewed each one as a problem to be overcome and resolved. Very pragmatic, stoical, rational, level headed. They made the most of life, travelling far and wide, first with my Dads job and then whenever and wherever the desire took them, the last being a Baltic cruise trip the year before Dad died. They were great community people, involved in all sorts of things and elders to whom people came for advice.

I dont think either of them strayed. I think they valued each other too much. They were each others strength. They had, and appreciated they had had, a very good life. Unfortunately, fWHs LTA (and probable other affairs) has made me doubt that marriages can truly be like that. No marriages can be that good can they.?

fWHs parents got md when MIL got pregnant. MIL had a 4yr LTA with her boss. FIL gave up his career to be nearer to home. Although they stayed together, I believe it marred their happiness. For some reason, MIL felt the need to offload and confess to me last month while she was here for a bit of respite after FILs death in January, which has thrown everything into sharp forcus again.

My IL's adored my parents, absolutely adored them.

I thought I had a good marriage. Id had the example of a good marriage. I tried to follow that example talk when there were problems, dont hide anything, agree on important issues, make time for each other, put the other person first, show love by actions, share the load. I did it all right but it would seem I was the only one up for keeping the promises.

As for staying? I don't know if it helped or not. I never told my parents - they would have been shocked beyond belief and I don't think I could have taken their "disappointment" in Mr UKg. I think they would have been heartbroken. As it was, they were worried sick at my weight loss, probably thinking I was keeping cancer or something from them. I was stick thin. I felt and still feel bad about that.

I told my IL's though. Another grubby secret for them to keep.

totallyconfused1 posted 3/13/2014 06:11 AM

My parents were together until my dad passed at 50 from cancer. It wasn't until I was older and wiser about relationships that I realized how strong theirs was. I do believe it's affected me in my decision to try and work things out. I also haven't told my mom as I think she'd be devastated, plus the fact she's dealing with major health issues and I'm her support, so she doesn't need that.

Years after my dad died I have had a recurring dream once in a while. I'm looking for my dad ... don't know where he is ... looking and looking. I find him and I'm so happy to see him, yet I'm sad and I ask him why did he leave mom, how could he do that do her? In my dream he's left her and he's with someone else and I'm devastated. When I wake up I'm filled with relief and think - oh, thank god he's just dead. So I think I grew up learning to take my vows seriously and work hard to make that happen.

As for WS family - he came from a broken home - alcoholic abusive father. His mom came from a broken home as well and all her siblings are divorced. Hmmmm. FOO issues.....

tryingagain74 posted 3/13/2014 06:34 AM

My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary this past summer. At the time of DDay for me, they had been married 48 years. It took me a few days to get past the shock of what my then-husband had done, but once some of that initial fog cleared, I knew I wanted a D.

It was BECAUSE I grew up watching two people who truly loved each other through thick and thin and knew that I didn't deserve any less that I asked for a D and never felt that was a bad decision. I also didn't want to model a dysfunctional relationship for our children, which is what I knew our marriage would be, so I knew I had to end it. They deserved better than that as well.

Williesmom posted 3/13/2014 07:41 AM

My parents have been married for 49 years.

My dad had an A when I was a child, and my mom stayed with him. I "knew", but didn't really know until I was 30 or so.

When my Wxh had his A, my mother talked me in to staying. Her logic was "if he is remorseful, at least you know what you have". I was in such a fog that I just wanted someone to tell me what to do.... so I stayed.

I guess the key word in that conversation was remorseful. Because I file for D 2 years later, and the rest is history.

I feel like my mom settled because she had 3 small kids at home. My dad is very.....difficult to live with. Let's leave it at that.

cdagal posted 3/13/2014 07:44 AM

my parents are now in their mid-80s. They will be celebrating their 63rd wedding anniversary this year. All my siblings are married - 30 years, 28 years, 25 years, 12 years (yes, the youngest waited awhile to find the perfect mate). I am the only one who is divorced. I felt like crap when I finally had to tell my parents that my 25 year marriage was over. You know what my dad said? "Honey, I'm so glad that we brought you up strong enough to know when someone doesn't deserve you".

JanaGreen posted 3/13/2014 07:49 AM

My parents are still together. They get along much better now than they did when I was a child. My dad was horribly disrespectful and just plain mean to my mom. As awful as my H was to me at times in the last few years, he's never reached the level of cruelty in his words that my dad would just casually toss at my mom. I don't know if my parents' marriage was a contributing factor in my putting up with more shit than I should have. I do know that it was a huge factor in my anger issues.

Skye posted 3/13/2014 07:59 AM

My parents had a wonderful marriage until my dad died. It gave me no reason to reconcile. If one was to use their parents' good marriage as a measuring stick, it makes more sense to me that you would divorce because you saw what a good marriage could be and want that opportunity. Personally, I don't think a reconciled marriage could ever be as good as what my parents had.

solus sto posted 3/13/2014 08:42 AM

Yes, my parents' long (albeit dysfunctional) marriage, as well as generations of family that did not divorce, no matter what, played a huge role in how I approached infidelity. Divorce was not even something I thought of as a possibility for a very long time. I wish that had not been the case; my role models had it wrong. They valued appearance over emotional health and safety.

lost_in_toronto posted 3/13/2014 08:55 AM

My parents have been together for 40+ years now. They were high school sweethearts.

I don't think any marriage can be wonderful ALL the time. There were time in that 40 years where things weren't easy. I'm not sure about infidelity, although I wouldn't be entirely surprised as my dad travelled a lot. But they had their share of problems.

I appreciate that my parents, as we got older, were honest about how hard it could be to make marriage work and work well. I never had any illusions about marriage (actually, we aren't even married!).

I think it was THAT realistic idea, that marriage is hard and must be worked at, that made me stay and try to R. Because as honest as they were about the hard work they put it, we (my sister and I) have also been privy to how wonderful the rewards can be. My mom and dad dote on each other at this point, and I really find their love inspirational. Not because it was ever perfect, but because it still exists and flourishes within the imperfections.

UKgirl posted 3/13/2014 09:52 AM

"Honey, I'm so glad that we brought you up strong enough to know when someone doesn't deserve you".
Wow cdagal, what a beautiful and loving thing to say at a time when you so needed to hear it!

I think it was THAT realistic idea, that marriage is hard and must be worked at, that made me stay and try to R.
My parents said this too. They gave me the framework to deal with tough times. But the main point was always to talk before problems got too big. A problem shared is a problem halved. One could be strong when the other was feeling weak and vice versa. Partnership and teamwork. Love and care. Honesty at all times.

I have to say that I have been extremely disappointed in fWHs glaring weaknesses and overwhelming desire to rug-sweep. He is a conflict/discussion avoider and hasnt been prepared to do anything other than a bit of lip service. And I have been the instigator to do things for reconciliation. Everything he said in the first couple of years has been all talk and no action. If anything needed hard work, honesty, love, care, decisiveness and discussion, this catastrophic event was it. Instead he expected ME to do all the work, as I had in the past. Any problem and UKg would fix it. Took me a long time to realise that. And that the FOO habit of nonchalantly rug-sweeping was genetic.

Having said that, I quite like Mr UKg. He's okay. I'm not holding my breath that it will last forever though. No long term plans.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 9:53 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]

Mhiimg65 posted 3/13/2014 12:39 PM

My parents divorced as soon as I (the youngest) went off to college. They had a stormy marriage and my father was an alcoholic. But, even through all of that, they truly loved each other. My father got sick with cancer at age 52, not that long after their divorce. When he became too ill to take care of himself, guess who took care of him? My mother of course. He died in 'their" house at the age of 56. After he died my mother always saw herself as a widow.

My IL's, on the other hand, had a picture perfect marriage. One that both I and WH emulated because they seemed so in love, and showed such caring for each other. That is, until FIL had an affair and almost killed their marriage. They somehow got through the process of R, and when she became sick, he doted on her until her death.

I always thought the IL marriage was the better one, but as I look back, I see the love my parents actually had for each other. I think until the day my mother died, she regretted her divorce from my father. I'm sure that's why she never acknowledged the divorce after his death.

I find it uncanny and unsettling that WH was the same age as his father when having the A, and I am the same age as my mother when she was "widowed".

simplydevastated posted 3/13/2014 12:52 PM

If your parents are still together does it make it more likely that you will try and work it out with your WS?

I'm not sure that has any affect on things. That's just my opinion. We are all individuals and we have to come to a decision that is best in our situations.

My dad walked out after I graduated high school because he didn't want to pay child support. I remember all the fighting that went on and wished my parents would divorce.

In my situation I'm only here because I'm unemployed. It's a sucky situation to be in, but it is what it is. I don't like my kids seeing the fighting and fighting with him/each other. It's not a good situation. I also know that it is not giving them a true visual of what a healthy relationship should be and, when I can, I tell them that this isn't what a normal relationship looks like etc...

I'm also a firm believer that just because the family is intact (not divorced) doesn't mean that it's still not a broken home. Also, some families function better after a divorce and to me, that's a better situation for everyone.

Just my two cents.

MadeOfScars posted 3/13/2014 16:04 PM

My parents stayed together until my father passed in 2008. They were married for 34 years. I do know they had some rough patches, but I highly doubt any were infidelity related. My dad knew that pain having been a BS twice before. He always instilled in me that men keep their promises and honor their wives, though I know he had been badly betrayed before. He traveled a lot on business, but even with all that time apart, I'd be absolutely shocked to find out he ever strayed from my mom.

To answer your question, I don't know if this made me want to work it out with my STBXWW more or less. It did teach me a harsh lesson though. Because I was raised the way I was, and because I watched my parents stay together through some rough patches, I really wondered why so many marriages end in divorce. You find that person who is meant for you, and you can work anything out. That's a big part of what marriage is about, right? It never really occurred to me that I may ever be with another woman for the rest of my life, and I found such comfort in that.

Well, I was wrong. I do hope, much like my Dad, that I do find that great woman who really will stick with me until death do us part. I can promise her that I will NEVER put her through the hurt that my STBXWW put me through. Like my dad, I'm just not wired that way.

JessicaFL127 posted 3/13/2014 18:44 PM

I'm with you, soulhurts. Your dad did a good job with you.

mal2006 posted 3/14/2014 02:05 AM

My parents have been married for 32 years. Both dealt with some pretty serious drinking problems (I come by it honestly!) so they have had their share of hard times, although no infidelity that I know of. They love each other very much and I feel like they set a wonderful example for me of a good marriage. They were by no means perfect, but they ALWAYS communicated and resolved their issues pretty quickly. My Dad always told me that my Mom is his very best friend, and they have always been affectionate with one another. I'm probably one of the only people I know who doesn't think their parents kissing is gross lol! I know this is a big reason why I am choosing to try to R; they never gave up and I don't want to either. They also fully support my decision to work things out with H. They're just pretty awesome in general!

littleflower posted 3/14/2014 02:36 AM

Wow , I find everyone's story's so insightful .

My parents are together after 38 years of marriage , and they have know end each other for 25 years more than that , I have a photo of them that I love that has them holding hands at the beach when they were 3 & 5

DragonBunker posted 3/14/2014 02:39 AM

Actually, the fact that mine weren't was one of the things that put my head in a funk and took away some of the strength I had to end it immediately. I should have done that, but I remembered the pain and confusion and self blame myself and my siblings had when our parents split up and I felt reluctant to put my children through it - and the ex used it as a tool too- " you don't want them to feel how you felt- grow up like you did! Don't be selfish!"

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