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Wayward Side :
Help needed in the I can Relate forum

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 HUFI-PUFI (original poster member #25460) posted at 3:31 PM on Thursday, March 13th, 2014

bionicgal - Seems like there are more questions here (in the BS Questions for WS's thread in the I can Relate forum) than Waywards these days, but I'd like to ask one.

I understand that we (Waywards in general) have our own struggles to deal with and I also understand that we have commitments to family, friends and our communities to deal with.

But the BS's that post questions in the above-mentioned thread also have struggles and needs and one of them is getting answers to questions that they post.

The more Waywards that are answering, the better, as it will mean more and different perspectives on the questions. Your unique and individual thoughts and ideas may provide a struggling BS with answers that can provide a greater understanding of the why and how.

Right now, we seem to be hitting a dry-spell of volunteers and so, I am asking and encouraging others to take some time to visit and perhaps answer a question or two.

On behalf of the BS community, I can assure you that "paying it forward" by giving of your time and wisdom will be greatly appreciated.

HUFI

Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

posts: 3319   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2009   ·   location: Azilda, Northern Ontario
id 6721457
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StillStanding1 ( member #40144) posted at 3:37 PM on Thursday, March 13th, 2014

God bless you, HUFI. You are awesome. Your wisdom is always much appreciated.

Me: BS50s Him: WH50s
M 25 years - DD DS DS
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday - 2/13, S for 1 year, now R

posts: 1632   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 6721467
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spond ( member #41686) posted at 3:56 PM on Thursday, March 13th, 2014

The more Waywards that are answering, the better, as it will mean more and different perspectives on the questions. Your unique and individual thoughts and ideas may provide a struggling BS with answers that can provide a greater understanding of the why and how.

And it might give insight into other waywards in general, as they read replies to the questions. Things that you might not have considered.

BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

posts: 437   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2013
id 6721495
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Prayingforhope ( member #41801) posted at 4:12 PM on Thursday, March 13th, 2014

Thanks for raising this Hufi. I don't even think I know this existed (that reminds me, SI needs an owners manual...) I'll head over there later today and see what I can respond to.

Since I can't talk to my BS, I might as well help someone else!

WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

posts: 260   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2013
id 6721526
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wheredoigo ( member #42327) posted at 5:53 PM on Thursday, March 13th, 2014

I'm still somewhat new here and still trying to find my way around. Is there a direct link to that board?

1st marriage BS to a xSAWH (36)
2nd marriage WW (36) to BS(Jt8d, 40)
I will face what hurts me and my actions that have hurt myself and others rather than hiding behind fearful justifications of why I should never heal or grow.

posts: 271   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2014   ·   location: Midwest
id 6721656
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Sparkle0504 ( member #40379) posted at 5:59 PM on Thursday, March 13th, 2014

Thank you Hufi

Me 52 (BS) Him 60 (EXSAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
I'm done. Separated.

Time is always right, to do right. (Dr Martin Luther King)

posts: 396   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2013   ·   location: England
id 6721666
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Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 6:00 PM on Thursday, March 13th, 2014

Thanks Hufi.

I wanted to make a small mention that as a member who has posted in there, having a former wayward who was a little farther along in their healing respond to me went a long way to helping me with new perspective.

As with all the advice we give in here, being able to temper honest responses with compassion is critical.

I'm really proud of all the former waywards here who are committed to healing and willing to stick around to help others. Thanks to all.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:04 PM, March 13th (Thursday)]

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6721667
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Merida ( member #42437) posted at 6:13 PM on Thursday, March 13th, 2014

yes!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE waywards share your thoughts and perspectives as I am definitely one to know I heal better when I have answers (even if I don't like the answer, at least I have it!) than I have silence and the infamous "I don't know"

As H and I work on R know you are effectively helping both of us

"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."


"The darkest night is dispelled by the humblest of flames."

posts: 1377   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Maryland
id 6721685
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authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 6:30 PM on Thursday, March 13th, 2014

Wheredoigo, It's in the I Can Relate forum. The thread is "BS Questions for WSs".

DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.

posts: 55165   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2007
id 6721719
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Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 11:44 PM on Thursday, March 13th, 2014

Thanks for raising awareness of this issue, Hufi.

While I have gotten quite behind in posting answers, there are also many questions that may not apply to certain WSs situations or involve questions about things some of us may not have experienced---difficulties in early R after D-day, for example in my case, among other things.

I know a lot of us like to help however we can where applicable.

Married -> I cheated -> We divorced -> We remarried -> Had two kids -> Now we’re miserable again

Staying together for the kids

D-day 2010

posts: 6490   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 6722165
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knightsbff ( member #36853) posted at 4:16 AM on Friday, March 14th, 2014

I have peeked in there many times then tip toed out afraid Ito answer because I didn't have anything profound or wise to say. I answered a few today after seeing your post.

I promise to do better.

fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 25, 17, 13. 2 dogs.

I edit often to fix stuff ☺️

Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.

posts: 1840   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2012   ·   location: Deep South, USA
id 6722423
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Wayflost ( member #41583) posted at 4:49 PM on Friday, March 14th, 2014

I'm with knightsbff - I don't believe I have anything enlightened to say. But there is also a part of me that feels the answers I might give there are the exclusive property of my own BH.They are my answers, but they belong to him. If that makes any sense.

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly."

posts: 762   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2013
id 6722957
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NoGoodUsername ( member #40181) posted at 5:13 PM on Friday, March 14th, 2014

I have to be very careful about answering questions in there. Part of my broken behavior pre-A was tied up in being smart, wise and knowing the way in things. It made me feel important and special but I was really getting an ego boost and social position. Now, even when I feel like I have a grip on something, I am very hesitant to jump in like that.

Also, the lever of 'rights and responsibilities' has been used successfully against me for decades to make me someone else's tool. I need to tread carefully.

Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

posts: 275   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2013
id 6722986
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 HUFI-PUFI (original poster member #25460) posted at 5:22 PM on Friday, March 14th, 2014

Thanks everyone for the overwhelming response to my plea.

Yes, it is a bit intimidating to answer some of the posts. And its very understandable that you may feel that your reply is not profound enough or wise enough or enlightened enough but in fact, it doesn't have to be. If you are only a month out, then you are a month further than someone else. Sometimes wisdom doesn't come only with time, sometimes wisdom is what we do with the time we are granted.

Everyone knows that we aren't trained and experienced counselors. We're not trained and professional mental health expects with Masters and PhD's in clinical psychology.

We come as lay people, sharing our own experiences and viewpoints. It's up to the BS to determine what applies and what is meant to be left behind. All we can do is share our story. Sometimes that is enough.

I think that at times, just listening is enough. And I think that even if the only thing you can offer is a ((virtual hug)), the BS community appreciates it no less than anything else.

HUFI

Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

posts: 3319   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2009   ·   location: Azilda, Northern Ontario
id 6722998
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