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never a good time to talk

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longnightmare posted 3/13/2014 17:03 PM

There always seems to be some reason that its not a good time to talk about our relationship and the A. We have only recently started picking off the scab of the wound, and something else is always taking precedent! I AM worried about the other things going on in our lives, with the kids, family, finances, but all the while I have to stifle my desire to pick at this wound anymore because its "not a good time". Our first MC appointment is a month out... Anyone else experience this??? How do you keep from being overrun with the urge to talk about it with WS?

Gotmegood posted 3/13/2014 17:25 PM

Ha. Experience it all the time, and poor communication was one of the ingredients to what happened in my M. Sitting here right now 'waiting' to see if WH responds to an e-mail I sent him at work today requesting that HE open up a conversation about 'where we are', and how to work through some issues...at his convenience. I'll let ya know.

Gotmegood posted 3/13/2014 17:26 PM

Ha. Experience it all the time, and poor communication was one of the ingredients to what happened in my M. Sitting here right now 'waiting' to see if WH responds to an e-mail I sent him at work today requesting that HE open up a conversation about 'where we are', and how to work through some issues...at his convenience. I'll let ya know.

StillLivin posted 3/13/2014 17:39 PM

If it were me, I would do the 180 until the minute we showed up at the MC office (unless he somehow managed to make a time that was good before said MC session convened). If he couldn't give me the information then (what more perfect time), then he'd be packing his crap and all future MC sessions would cease.

longnightmare posted 3/17/2014 08:51 AM

Update and rant:

So we've agreed to try the letter-writing back and forth until we can see our MC next month. After my first letter got no response, just fighting, I wrote a second letter and told him we wont DISCUSS the letter, we'll just reply on paper once a day or so. I made clear in my second letter that it was not accusatory, it was my feelings about what I remember had happened and why I feel that way. He read that 3 days ago. Last night when I still had no response, I asked him if he would PLEASE give me SOMETHING, since it was still early, the kids were asleep, there was a perfectly good opportunity to reply since he had left me hanging all weekend. He said it wasn't a good time, he had a good day yesterday and didn't want to ruin his day with this! After he said that, my mouth just dropped open, I don't know why I expected more from him honestly... after another argument, he yelled, said this and that about how pointless this all is still, and said he didn't want to do it last night, he'd dÝ it at work today. How is it fair that HE keeps getting to draw these lines in the sand?!?

confused615 posted 3/17/2014 09:02 AM

He is trying to rugsweep. he's hoping if he keeps putting you off, you will eventually give up.

If you have to beg your WH to work on your marriage, you have a huge problem. He fucked this up. If he isn't moving mountains to "fix" this, then you need to change how you behave and respond to him.

No more letters. He knows how you feel. By not responding, he is letting you know he doesn't care. You don't need to write him anymore letters. He is CHOOSING to do nothing.

Have you read the 180? You need to start it immediately. It might wake his ass up...but the 180 is designed to help YOU feel better and stronger, regardless of the shit he's pulling.

Why do you have to wait a month for MC? Can you find another one? One that specializes in infidelity? have you interviewed the MC? What are their views on how this should be handled? My concern is you will get an MC who says talking about it does no good, focus on the future, and blames the marriage for the A. With a WH like yours, if you see the wrong MC, he will jump *all over* that advice...and you will never recover.


(((longnightmare)))


ETA: It is NOT fair that he keeps moving the line in the sand. YOU need to stop this.He is moving it because he has no consequences when he does.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:02 AM, March 17th (Monday)]

solus sto posted 3/17/2014 09:05 AM

Sounds like you are expected to sweep the affair under the rug and just get over it.

Even your own language reflects that. Look, there's no "scab" to pick. Scabs form as part of healing. You have an open, gaping wound and a husband who won't help you stop the bleeding.

You're left doing mental gymnastics, trying to find some way to connect and heal, while he's refusing to engage.

180. It will be hard as hell, but it will be much, much less painful than repeatedly trying to engage him only to be shown how little commitment he has.

Detach a little and work on your own healing. I know you think you need answers. Hopefully you will get them one day. But you don't need them to heal. Disengage and take care of yourself. He's not going to --not now, at least. Build your strength. If R is in the cards, you will need strength and stamina, given your WH's current state.

I'd wonder if he's still actively cheating.

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