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kate0421 posted 3/13/2014 17:30 PM

WS and I have been to a MC that I believe made matters worse for us. We had an appointment set up today with a new MC. He was more experienced with infidelity and it's his primary work. A few hours before I get a text message from WS saying we needed to talk tonight, and that he didn't want to go see a "quack therapist". I told him there is nothing more to talk about. I have set my dealbreaker and never have REALLY gone through with them. I told him last night this was it. So I took my kids and am now staying with my grandmother. I told him if he wants to get the kids on Sundays (his day off) or after work that it would be fine. He said I was acting like a child and just running off instead of making plans and doing it "the right way" I told him this is a mature leave and not childish. That there is no reason to stay because I know now to take myself away from the situation before it gets toxic.
This is soo hard. He told me I know but I still love you. I haven't replied. It's so hard not to go home right now

Simple posted 3/13/2014 17:40 PM

Looks like you're ready to enact if not already acting on 180. 180 is for you anyway and you're going to heal with or without him. I'm glad you're enacting your consequences.

We're here for you. Keep posting.


lots of hugs for you and your kids.

Nature_Girl posted 3/13/2014 19:12 PM

Oh that's just horrible. I'm so sorry. ((((HUGS)))

Good for you for standing up for yourself. That's hard & scary. It's a huge thing, really. Keep up the good work!

Pass posted 3/13/2014 19:14 PM

Be proud. You're taking responsibility for your life. He will never understand that.

kate0421 posted 3/13/2014 21:03 PM

This is just soo hard. I am wide awake. It's so hard not to answer his phone calls. He has texted me 3 times saying "there are beds here to sleep in" , "this is whay I was trying to say" and "there are beds for you and the kids here your doing this all wrong baby" he also tried to call my grandmother's house. She lives in a small 2 bedroom condo and my 17yr old sister lives with her and now my uncle has been staying with her... so that's what he is trying to say...since my kids and I are sleeping on couches.
I just know that I wouldn't have the strength to stick to this if I was around him. We slip back into regular conversations and laughing and having a good time way too easily. But then I get sad and upset because we haven't made any progress in healing or talking about it. When I stick to the "here and now " moments I do enjoy them. But when triggers come or when I need to ask questions I get nowhere... I need details, I wish I was someone who didn't want to know I really do. But the realty is, if I stayed, However long 2yrs..5yrs...10yrs, I would be in the same position and I don't want that.
I really do love him, this just suck. I gave him my everything and he threw that away to get off with some bar whores

RidingHealingRd posted 3/13/2014 23:30 PM

Stay strong. You let him know what you need from him now it is up to him to do the work.

He said I was acting like a child and just running off instead of making plans and doing it "the right way"


your doing this all wrong baby

I think what your WS is really saying is, "Do it my way"

No, do what you need to do. Do it your way.

It really is very difficult. Sadly, there are some WSs that make it even worse.

(((kate0421))) Wishing you strength.

kate0421 posted 3/14/2014 08:03 AM

Thanks RidingHealingRd this is really hard. I guess in my head I still have that little bit of hope that he will become truly remorseful and change in the ways that will help our relationship heal. That little bit of hope that he will realize what he is really losing. But I know it's not good to think like this, that I need to be stronger than these thoughts and just start moving on with or without him. But it's so hard moving forward without him I'm completely avoiding him right now because it's too easy for me to bring my walls down because of that little hope. He always does something to keep me hopeful but then it dies out and I end up hurt and disappointed. He never follows through with what he says. He says he will do x y z and then after a couple weeks he stops putting effort towards x then a few weeks later the y and so on... and if I have learned anything from this site, it would be that staying and just hoping he changes won't do a Damn thing. Ugh I really want him to be the man I know he can be

Neverwudaguessed posted 3/14/2014 08:36 AM

I am so sorry that you are dealing with his unwillingness to give you what you need. Did he explain what he was feeling regarding the therapy session? Has he tried to determine what his why is? Unless he is willing to really look at what happened and why, and to face what this has done to his family, you will never be healed. You may be able to go back and feel O.K. for a little while, but eventually the hurt and resentment will creep in and you will be faced with the decision that you avoid now by going back and resuming life only focusing on the hear and now. Please stick to your guns, and listen to your gut instincts. This is the hardest thing that you will have to face, but to do it with a man who is unwilling to put for the effort that your love deserves to help you heal will feel even worse. Take care of yourself and your children you are doing now. You are doing the right thing. Don't sell yourself short by accepting less than you deserve. And keep posting for support here. We will all continue to support you; no matter what you decide. (((HUGS)))

RippedSoul posted 3/14/2014 08:52 AM

So sorry you're here, Kate. :( So sorry any of us are.

So . . . what if you, side by side, make a list of "WS's Way" and "BS's Way"? WS wants what? What does he consider right? No MC, no IC (an assumption I'm making since he considers therapists "quacks"). What else? Living together? Physical intimacy? Rugsweeping? This particular post doesn't say much, so I don't know. But you do know (or could ask him) what his "right way" is.

And what is your right way? Details, obviously. MC. IC. What else? You could find where your lists intersect--since you appear to still love each other--and start there. Maybe that would mean staying at your grandmother's and going on dates? Maybe with a couple months of carrying out your joint "right ways," he'll be more willing to experiment with your list and less insistent on clinging to his? If nothing else, comparing the two lists might prove illuminating to one or both of you.

norabird posted 3/14/2014 09:15 AM

I'm so sorry. It hurts but do what you need to do to protect yourself. Your boundaries are there to protect you--keep trusting in them. It's a sad thing to still love someone who can't give you what you need. ((((Hugs))))

Ascendant posted 3/14/2014 09:20 AM

It sounds like he was really afraid that the MC was going to tell him some stuff that he didn't want to hear.

Good for you for making that a dealbreaker, and good for you for sticking to it right now. IC or MC is the bare minimum a WS should be doing, and if he won't even commit to that aspect....well, I think that drawing your line in the sand right here is saving you many more potentially sleepless nights down the road.

I'm sorry that you're hurting.

kate0421 posted 3/14/2014 10:18 AM

I am so sorry that you are dealing with his unwillingness to give you what you need. Did he explain what he was feeling regarding the therapy session?

When he first confessed to me he said things like lets go to a therapist, church...ect. he has never believed in these things so I thought it was weird. but took it as him really changed. then he told me the truth is that he was scared for me because after he told me I got hysterical and suicidal thoughts...which Im not gonna lie, scared the crap outta myself. He said he was wanted me to get help and counseling and church are a means of hope for people.
we went to see a MC and I believe she made matters worse, saying things like I don't really need to know details and how important are they really?? it will make it worse for me and I will have more triggers( she said this to me infront of him) also when I was telling her that I want him to discover the "whys" and how it got that far, she replied with... I know how, he was thinking with the wrong head.... and would say things like "maybe he has just matured now" long story short, ever since then he will not talk about details, I KNOW there is something he hasn't told me or lied about. Also, he agreed to see this new MC, I was filling out the forms, he freaked out that he would have to put his ssn down. He is all weird about stuff like that, he doesnt have facebook or any social networking... I think he is all "conspiracy theory" He had counseling when he was young that was court ordered about anger for 1 1/2yrs. I think hes worried that this guy is going to see through him. I really believe he is afraid to face his true self. He told me all the time that since he told me, he sees the pain he caused and just knows that I will never "really" get over this. he believes that HE is the problem, and thinks I will never heal with him around as the source of my pain.

And what is your right way?

I would love for him to do IC but I told him I was okay doing MC and him doing some soul searching through self help books and such. The last few weeks I have brought up talk about a trial separation. its what I really felt would of helped both of us. to really put things in perspective and go from there. Still have our Sat night date night. but his response was no, he said he wasn't going to sit around like a fool while I go out " to find someone better than him" and him just wait around to see if he is second choice.... this made me soo livid, I couldn't believe that he would even think that way about me. like as if my priorities are to just find anybody to be with. no thanks I would rather be alone.

my grandmother just told me she answered the phone last night and talk to him. He told her that he doesn't want to "expose" himself to some stranger. She even said that he is afraid to face himself. she isn't making things easier for me by telling me Im making the wrong choice. that I just need to find peace and crap. then the next sentence out of her mouth is, but ill support you with what you decide...


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