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BrokenNlost posted 3/13/2014 18:08 PM

My husband and I were having a very rough time. He was addicted to his pain meds, and was spending too much money, and lying about his paychecks and a number of other things. He wasn't in his right mind. He decided he wanted a divorce in September of 2013. He left and stayed with a friend. Little did I know this "friend" was his ex girl friend from high school. Whom I have never liked and always known she was after him. So while he is gone I am 7 months pregnant, and hormones raging and we both had said some awful things to each other. He never would file for divorce so when he stopped giving me money to pay bills (including his car payment and to keep a roof over our daughter and I's head) I filed. I never wanted to but I thought it would drag on and I would lose everything if I didn't. I thought that was my only option. Fast forward to November when our son was born. He comes over one day after I had told him we all missed him, and he missed us as well, and dropped the bomb on me. I had heard about it before but the first story was different timing and was wrong. He tells me she is pregnant. I felt as if my life was over. I was stuck with this awful person forever now. Then he tells me he thinks he was set up (which I said would happen back in October). Proceeds to tell me she had told him she was on BC. She had the Mirena (same thing I had before we decided to have a second child) so he thought they were safe. He made sure he asked because he does not want any more children. When she finds out shes pregnant she says it was the shot she had not Mirena and she had just gotten it so it should have been good, then later she says she hasn't had the shot in a while. When all is said and done, she hasn't had ANY BC IN OVER A YEAR!! Then she proceeds to tell him "well the guy before me didn't get me pregnant" So here I am and I take him back because he is the love of my life, father of my children, and I have been devoted to him for 8 years now. I want to work threw this because I do believe he was set up. She IS that type of girl. She also has lied about a number of different things. Including ones we already know the truth about. I'm worried that I am going to break. As much as I love him and want to work threw this, there are days where I just want to run away. What I think about is, if I leave I'll me more miserable than I will be if I stay. If I stay I get to keep the love of my life and try to make our marriage strong and unbreakable (and get to show her that being the way she is isn't going to get a man) Might I add she already has 2 children by 2 different men. Are we going to make it? I am scared to death and I feel like I am stuck. Either way I go I'm hurt. But I am at least happy most of the time when I am with him. She isn't due for a few more months and when that day comes, I know I'm going to break down, just because its confirmation. I guess it's easy to put it out of my mind at the moment. Please tell me someone else has gone threw this and is making it!? I need advice badly. I don't know what to do. My heart tells me to stay and work it out. But it feels so broken at the same time. Some days I'm extremely mad at him, and most days I am extremely mad at her. Just because she didn't look at the big picture and realize she isn't effecting just her and him, she effects me, his children, HER CHILDREN, and all of our families. Her son hasn't seen his dad in about a year. And I thought to myself, how is he going to feel when BOTH of his siblings go off to see their dads, and he doesn't? How awful that would make me feel if it were my child. That alone would have made me be on BC for sure. I just want to sit her down and go over all of this and make her realize she royally screwed a lot of peoples lives up for what ever reason it was. I want answers I will never get, I want trust I'm afraid I'll never have again, I want a drama free life with my husband that is likely not going to happen since she will be a part of it now. I don't know if he should contact her now about being in the babies life (she told him she didn't want him to be in the babies life after he came back to me) or if he should just stay away until the baby is born and has a paternity test done. Someone please HELP!

yme32313 posted 3/13/2014 18:17 PM

WOW! Is all I can say, I have a friend who was in that similar situation but it was him who went off had the affair and his mistress got pregnant. She also wanted to tie him down. His wife accepted him back and he ended everything with his mistress. Now the child is a Junior in high school and his wife helps her in everything she can. She goes to the child's games and takes care of her like she's her own daughter. Many people look at her as an idiot to do that when everyone knows that she isn't her kid but other judge the mistress as being a whore and the wife being the "bigger person." So it really comes down to you, can you handle their love child and treat it as your own? Remember it's not the child's fault they are being born and your husband needs to take responsibility on supporting that child.

BrokenNlost posted 3/13/2014 18:43 PM

He is going to take care of the child. We just dont know if it would be better to tell her now or wait. And I honestly dont know. I know that sounds awful but I wont know until the day gets here. I want to try though. It just hurts thinking about looking at this little face and knowing he's not mine, and its a reminder of what happened. I feel shattered, confused, angry, pretty much everything under the sun. We need a marriage counselor but don't have any money, and cant find anyone to do it for free with out going to church. My husband wont go to church.

yme32313 posted 3/13/2014 18:50 PM

Counseling is the best option and I know it's awful when you don't have the proper funding. This is a good site and many people will help you get through this. You can private message me any time and others. We all have been betrayed and some worse than others. I personally now that I'm married would leave but
1. I'm not in your position and don't really know how you feel.
2. We don't have kids
Have you looked at the Healing Library top left corner in yellow? There's many ways to help you cope and heal from your situation.
Have you talked about it to someone else, a close relative or friend?
I this is hard and it's going to get harder once the baby comes. Then you'll have to deal with it for the rest of the baby's life.
Right now is not a good time to think about the situation. Lean on him for support and talk to other. Make sure your health is ok, drink lots of water, eat, exercise.
You're in for some heartache for awhile.

BrokenNlost posted 3/13/2014 19:07 PM

I dont want to leave. I feel like we are supposed to be together. When I think about my options a feel a sense of comfort in the thought of staying and making our marriage unbreakable. I feel like this is what we are supposed to do. We are meant to be together. He has been as understanding as he can. (I can get out of hand sometimes) I meant what I said when we made our vows. For better for worse. This is worse. And I am trying as hard as I can. Yes I have talked to my best friend and I don't know if it really helps. I guess it does. I get comfort in knowing I am a better person than this girl is. I have put my children first, and my husband at that. I have the same father for my children while she has 3 different ones for hers (all accidents from what I hear) She is extremely irresponsible, and is quite the drinker from what I hear as well. Comes from a family full of alcoholics, so whos to say she doesnt follow in those footsteps. I honestly think I might feel better if WE had custody. But I know that wont happen unless she is seen as unfit by the courts. She is a good liar so she will lie threw her teeth to get what she wants. She already has. We are not denying the child is his, but the conception date was only 1 week after he began staying there. And ultrasounds can be wrong about that, but not likely. My friend is an ultrasound tech. I asked her about it. So we will know for sure when the paternity test is done. I'm just lost....

Mhiimg65 posted 3/13/2014 20:39 PM


My story is not yours, but yesterday I wrote in my journal about a friend who went through exactly what you are. OW had a baby and my friend took that child into her home and loved it like it was her own.

I have the upmost respect for your feelings. You are responding like a hero. My best to you, and I know you will find the right thing to do. Someday I will post my friends story (as best I can). But for now, I commend you for writing your own. Stay strong and know that we are with you.

ruby44 posted 3/14/2014 09:01 AM

First off, deep breathes. You are trying to fix a mess you had nothing to do with in causing. I think, you have decided to stay and pursue R. I think your WH has decided to stay and pursue R. But, you have this OC about to enter the world. First, is your WH still addicted to pain meds? Are the original problems being worked on, addiction, spending money, lying? If that is not progressing to healing for him, he will pull you and your kids down with him. So first before the OC is born, make sure he is on the path to recovery. Take over the money if you can, make sure he gets help for his addiction, even an addiction meeting will help. Make sure your WH is working toward these goals. Focus on healing your M and your family before you start worrying about the OC. I would communicate, through your lawyer, with the OW demanding a paternity test once the baby is born. You never really know it is his until then. Once that is done and confirmed, then start thinking about support and visitation etc. We all know there are mothers out there that really do not care about their kids so if your family is healed and you are willing you may be able to get custody. Raising another woman's child could be hard but so will sending her a support check every month. So before you start panicking about the next 18 years, work on your M, get your WH to get some help and just wait for now. Too much is going on so focus on what is most important right now and the rest will follow. Hugs my dear, hope things work out.

BrokenNlost posted 3/14/2014 09:55 AM

Yes he is no longer addicted to his meds. We are the ones who want the paternity test. Just because they weren't "dating" and she just got out of a relationship, and she's not proven herself to very truthful. But like I said, we assume it's his due to timeing and what the ultrasound estimated. He is doing great. Has been very helpful around the house, over all happier than he was before he left. So I know he is trying. There is the money issue that still persists but we are working on that as well. I'm just scared I guess. Can't believe my life is like this now.

yme32313 posted 3/14/2014 10:26 AM

Yes you need to work on your marriage. The child hasn't even entered the world yet so you need to put all that focus on you two. Make him become trustworthy again. If you have to do things alone to reconnect do it.
Wait it out and when the child comes around then you can put into grasp what to do. A paternity test is a must, if she's that deceitful it might not be his. Just because the timing is the same doesn't mean she didn't go hoe it up with someone else.
Work on yourself and your marriage first and foremost.

k9lover1 posted 3/14/2014 15:05 PM

Can he afford to pay child support for the next 18 years for this OC?

Skan posted 3/14/2014 17:25 PM

BrokenNlost, welcome. I'm glad that you found us for support.

Listen. What I have to say to you may, to you, sound very strange, but hear me out.

Continue with the divorce. Divorce him as quickly as possible. Establish YOUR child's right to child support and get it done legally. Split your assets and get your 1/2 in your name and get Spousal Support as well. Talk to your lawyer about this. Make sure that YOU and your baby are taken care of first.

You can always decide down the line if you want to simply live together, re-marry, or go your own separate ways. But right now, I would think very strategically with your mind and not your heart, and make sure that you and your baby are taken care of first, before the OC arrives, paternity is established, and your WH becomes eligible for child support.

Also, in the I Can Relate forum, there is a thread for people who have OC in their lives. It might be well worth your while to go there and talk to some of those people and bounce questions off of them. (((hugs)))

BrokenNlost posted 3/14/2014 18:44 PM

I am not divorcing him. Sorry. I had that chance and didn't do it for a reason. He is better now than he ever has been. It would hurt him and I won't do that to him. He means too much to me. He is more than willing to do what he needs to. And as far as child support, he's got 2 children before this one and his job isn't wonderful. We will make it work. I am looking for a better job. That honestly put a dagger threw my heart reading it. Thanks for the advice though.

norabird posted 3/15/2014 09:36 AM

It probably seems like you need an answer right now but time is going to help here. Ask in the I Can Relate OC forum about timing on the paternity test and then as others have said just focus your energies on healing your M. Once the child comes and can be tested knowing with certainty if it is his will give your road ahead some clarity. Though if you and your H want to be involved in the doctor's visits etc during pregnancy you'll need to speak up now. It sounds all too raw and fresh to take involvement that far yet though.

Good luck to you.

BrokenNlost posted 3/15/2014 09:52 AM

Neither of us want to be involved with doctors visits. She is way to immature for such things and frankly I get an over whelming sence of anxiety just seeing her face right now. He is so angry with her for lying so much to him about BC that he doesn't even want to speak to her. He assumed he could at least trust her on that level since they had dated before and she had stated at one point she was done having kids. So he asked and she said it was safe. Had she said she didn't have anything it either wouldn't have happened or there would have been some sort of precaution taken on his part. I am not a doctor but just based off of what I have read and what I have witnessed with my own eyes, it seems as if this girl could have BPD. Lots of the characteristics fit so perfectly with her. Unfortunately it takes a lot of work for a therapist to get to the bottom of someone and diagnos them with this disorder. So I am reading up on it and planning the walls that need to be built in order to keep my family and the OC safe. We will have to see how she treats this one in time and what she says about my husband to it. But from what he has said to me, she does not treat her D the same as she treats her S. She isn't nice to her D which I've read can happen with this disorder. Lots going on here. But we love each other and want to make it. Thanks for all the support!

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