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3 year anniversary of the last night with the AP

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RegretsTillIDie posted 3/13/2014 22:07 PM

Today is the 3 year anniversary of the last time I had sex with my AP and Iím literally sick at my stomach just thinking about it Ė much less thinking about how my BW feels and thinks about it. Over the last 3 years Iíve lied and fed her TT to eventually get to the full truth 3 years later. Through all of this my BW stuck it out with me, loved me and tried her best to believe in me even though Iíve repeatedly torn out her heart as more of my lies came out. Thatís all over now but how can she know it? She canít. And Iíve got to realize that my lies and TT have forever handicapped our marriage. It can never be the open, trusting, full-of-light, relationship that we both want it to be Ė because of me.
Three years ago tomorrow I told my BW I had found my soul mate and the love of my life and I wanted a divorce. She had the values and love for me and our family that she said ďhell noĒ and started pushing me for the truth that I refused to give her. But she never gave up and over the last 3 years Iíve seen what true love and commitment to a marriage and our family looks like and I now see how stupid I was to think there could ever be someone as totally awesome as the woman I married.
Are we in a good place? Compared to what? Are we better than we were 3 years ago? I think so but with all the pain my BW has had to bear I doubt she would agree. I regret that my lies and TT have wasted the last three years when I could have come clean in the first few months. I will go to my grave regretting the pain Iíve caused the woman that loves me and her family more than life itself. The good news is that I see it now. Iím working on root causes of why I kept heading down the path of betrayal and destruction rather than trusting the woman that has devoted her life to me and my BW is still here hoping and waiting for me to be the man she expected to marry 36 years ago. I see I am the most fortunate man in the world to have a chance of R after all Iíve done. I donít intend to waste it this time.

grains posted 3/14/2014 00:44 AM

It is wonderful that you have resolved to reconcile with your BS. It is hard work that requires thoughtfulness, humility, vigilance and perseverance. I wish you all these qualities and more. I also know that it is important to always ask your BS how she feels about your infidelity. Apologize as often as you can and let her know that it is always on your mind. When we are silent then our BS can assume that we never think about the pain we caused and that we are not remorseful. You certainly expressed remorse in your post. Please let her know. Please seek counseling, join a support group or seek a spiritual mentor that can help guide you in finding out the whys behind what you did. Good luck in your recovery and reconciliation.

[This message edited by grains at 12:48 AM, March 14th (Friday)]

RegretsTillIDie posted 3/15/2014 13:31 PM

Grains -
Thanks for your reply. I posted for my own sense of confession without expecting any feedback but yours was appreciated. Today and tomorrow are DD for my BW and me with more pain and regrets than I can explain. I'm doing my best to be the person, man and husband I should have been all along.

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