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Today Marks the Beginning of His Affair

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hecheatedonme posted 3/14/2014 04:19 AM

My husband's affair began one year ago today. It's going to be a rough one.

I know I am supposed to 'focus on the present' and think about recovery, but today it isn't an option. I am mentally reliving his day. I know the times of contact, but I find myself trying to step into his mind. What was he thinking as he picked up the phone? What were his exact thoughts as he tossed our twenty year relationship into the trash? I do this far too often, but today ......

He says he'd do anything to make my pain go away, but he can't turn back time, and that's the only way this pain would disappear. I am forever changed and I miss the old me.

littleflower posted 3/14/2014 04:40 AM

I m a newbie. So no advice from me , just posting to say that I'm listening (reading)


naivegirl posted 3/14/2014 05:27 AM

So sorry. The first couple years or so hard. It will get easier.

sudra posted 3/14/2014 08:57 AM

The first year was by far the worst for me on "those days." After that, it wasn't nearly as painful. The days for us are February 14-15, and March 8-9, 2010. They didn't make much of a ripple this year.

Hang in there.

Uhtred posted 3/14/2014 09:14 AM

I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm approaching a year from dday. I miss the old me and the way things used to be when I was happy.

My wife and your husband share the same statement about taking the pain away but sadly it is not possible.

The only thing I know to do is to put one foot in front of the other and keep marching. We can't let this define who we are as people. We're innocent bystanders but we're survivors.

I'm sending positive thoughts your way and hope that you are able to pull yourself out of the funk. In the end its just another day no different than any other.

I'm sure when my dday antiversary comes around I'm going to need you and many others to tell me the same. I wish you all the best.

Michman posted 3/14/2014 09:27 AM

Yeah I hear you. This weekend basically marks the 2 year anniversary of my WW first EA/PA with a high school buddy, but this is the first St. Patricks Day that I knew about it...

My IC said, "I know it will be difficult, but it is just a date. Try to do something just for you, just for fun on that day."

StillStanding1 posted 3/14/2014 09:33 AM

Sorry. I'm just shortly past my own antiversary and all the ugly dates right after... It is rough. We all can relate. Hang in there. The sun will rise and set and tomorrow will be a new day.

For today, is there anything you can do to "spoil" yourself a little? Even if it's to go for a walk, meet a friend for coffee, get a mani, a pedi, or a massage? Treat yourself to lunch? In my darker moments, I even found that going to the grocery store, where people would smile and be pleasant, was helpful. (sad, but very true.)

I know your heart is heavy. Recovery is a long, slow, difficult, gut-wrenching process. But it is a process and this is just one more step in the journey. Keep plodding along, if that's all you can manage today!

maelcu posted 3/14/2014 09:53 AM

Coming out of the shadows. I read these boards everyday but never post.

My WH met his AP on the evening of 3/13/13.
I looked at the clock yesterday around the time they met. I looked again around the time she called him.

Today is the day they set up their "first date".

He confessed 5/10/13 took it what I see as underground 14 days later. We had DDay #2 January 21,2014.

I see remorse, guilt and a profound sadness in him now. He says he is willing to do whatever it takes.
Affair season just sucks.

tushnurse posted 3/14/2014 10:28 AM


You are right this day will suck for you, and may for many years, it depends on how your R, and his actions go that will determine that.

Did you discuss the significance of the date with him prior to today? If not, please do, if he is working on R then he needs to know this date, and he needs to help you through it. I can tell you that many WS's don't have any clue on dates, and mine was the worst. There are few that stick in my craw, and he was clueless. I really had to share with him when they were, I found it most helpful to let him know ahead of time that they were coming up, and what I would want and need from him on those dates.

The antiversary of Dday was tough, the second year, I told him it's coming up, and I need you to show me the love you have, and be the man I know you are, I need to be the center of your world. I also made plans for a babysitter, a dinner out, and so forth. At year two we were well on our way. At year one not so much, but he did take time that day to let me know how horribly sorry he was, and that he was thrilled with the gift of R, and being able to stay with me, and his family.

I would also urge you to do something very nice for you today. Get a mani/pedi, massage, buy some flowers, whatever it is that brings you happiness and peace do it.
You should also allow yourself some time to grieve if you feel the need. boohoo, and get the poison out, then embrace the day as a fresh start.

((((and strength))))

hecheatedonme posted 3/17/2014 04:58 AM

Thank you all SO much!

I haven't signed on all weekend. I am extremely touched by your responses and, sadly, by your pain. One of the emotions I've felt most keenly over the past year has been isolation. I don't tell many people about what he has done. Not only do you all validate my emotions but you thoroughly understand them as well! Thank you! And although it brings me comfort to know I am not alone, it also brings sadness that each of you has also endured this. I hope I can offer comfort to you, too.

I spent Friday holed up alone. He knew the day, and upcoming days would be rough. We have young children and I knew I'd be no good for them Friday, nor the students I teach. I just wanted to curl up and let the hurt wash over me. It worked. Saturday was a bit better, but I am beginning each day telling my husband what he did 'today'. I will continue to do so, he needs to know this is where I am emotionally and I can't help but feel this is a natural consequence to his actions.

It will continue to be rough, but I've gleaned some tips from here already and I'm trying to implement them. Again, it helps to know I am not alone.

Merlin posted 3/17/2014 05:40 AM

Seriously? You are going to make sure that you always remember the date by giving it anniversary status? Weight yourself down with it?

Don't you have more important stuff to do such as your recovery?

Mapleleaf4ever posted 3/17/2014 08:41 AM

Feb 1st 2012 was the day that I discovered my stbxww was having a LTA. I never even thought about it this past Feb 1st. It is just a day like any other. Don't get me wrong, the pain is still very strong but at least I don't obsess about the date any longer. As time passes I will get even better.

Wodnships posted 3/17/2014 08:58 AM

I'm a newb too, but I'm actively trying not to remember the date like an anniversary. In fact I have a fuzzy thought right now that it was either march 3rd or 4th. Reading this makes me very tempted to go back and count back 2 weeks (it was 2 weeks ago today.) but I'm not going to. The less I look at it and think about it the hazier it will get.

I do the same thing with deaths. Why mark bad days on your calender?

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