Focus on your healing. You're going to need that whether you're married or not, whether your husband loves you or not.
All you can do is control your actions in the right here and right now....getting too caught up in things 'down the road' can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed; hopelessness and despair creep in.
I'm a BH. I talk with lots of BHs on this board. For a great many of the guys I talk to who are 5 years out and don't love their wives, they never felt like their wives made any lasting changes.
They may have bluffed remorse or even had it for a while, but they didn't put the work in long term to change their decision making processes, and their BS can see it in their actions. They treated the wound, but not the infection.
In short: worry about making yourself a safe partner. That's all you can control at the end of the day, anyway. Maybe the affair was a dealbreaker, maybe it wasn't...either way, you don't control his decision.
I was positive in July that I could never love BH in a romantic way again, but I was wrong.
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
Go into the Recon Forum, at the top is a thread full of positive stories. Read them and avoid the other forums for a while.
Stay strong and positive!
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
I can't control my SLAWH; you can't control your BH. But, like Ascendant said, you CAN control you. All the effort you put into healing yourself, every constructive action you make toward self-recovery, and any marriage-building activities you do will be helpful. For you. For your betrayed spouse (if accepted). For this current M. And for any future M. So while you've lost a lot, it doesn't have to have been a waste.
And, over time, if and when you become a safe person for your spouse, then the love may rekindle. If he's willing to stay in the M, for now, then what do you have to lose? Any progress you make is still progress. Good luck!
Most of those scenarios did not involve remorseful wife. The WW's pride was more important to them than the M.
In other words those WW did not own their fecal matter.
FWIW- two months out is too early. If he is there, that actions says more than any words could.
At two month outs I said similar things all the time. At this stage he is mentally convincing himself of what he thinks he should do versus what he wants to do. Cognitive Dissonance, is a horrible thing to thing to life with.
DS 1, DD 6 Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
Your BH is just real hurt right now. His feelings are all over the place. You have true remorse for what you have done and no doubt he sees that. Keep fighting for him. He's fighting himself just to stay with you. Keep making his fight worth it.
We're a week shy of being 3 months out. We've separated (sort of - see my separation and progress thread) But for the main part, BH is still here. He still wants to spend time with me. That speaks louder than all his angry words.
I am remorseful, I am working on myself, I am healing and the changes are starting to show. BH can see all this, it's the only reason he's still allowing me to breathe the same air as him!
Remember when both our BH's were refusing to discuss our A's? When they said there was no point? My BH's willingness to talk is increasing. He allows himself to be vulnerable with me about once a fortnight now which is a huge improvement from back nearer to Dday. He is healing, just slowly and in his own way.
Keep working on yourself, keep hearing your BH's anger as him telling you how hurt he is. Support him however he needs. My BH seems to be unlike any other. To help him process and heal he's asked me to just 'be normal'. He will talk about the A when he wants to, I am receptive when he does. But apart from that, I don't bring it up but I ensure he knows I'm always willing to discuss it. He never says so but even when he's at his most angry he needs to hear that I love him, that I'm committed, that I'm not going anywhere. He needs reassurance.
When things get tough, when you wonder if there's any hope, think about what it would be like if you weren't remorseful. What would happen if you were still foggy? Hung up on the AP, giving TT, not allowing for transparency? Would your BH still be around? Probably not. I know mine wouldn't be. So there's hope.
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14 His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
