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Does it ever really work out?

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CantBeUndone posted 3/14/2014 08:03 AM

I took a break from SI because the posts were depressing me. We're only 2 months out, so I know I have a long road ahead but I guess I was holding onto the hope that we could get through this and have a decent marriage one day. But I've just read so many posts lately where people are coming back 3 to 5 years post DD talking about how they can never love their ww again. If that's the case, is there really any reason to stay together? I'm just feeling sorry for myself today because my BH told me yesterday that he doesn't love me. I get that. And it actually didn't hurt that much because I know that feelings change. I was positive in July that I could never love BH in a romantic way again, but I was wrong. Feelings are fickle things. But it got me thinking, can I live without love forever? If I knew right now, today, that BH would never love me again, that we could live peacefully as roommates but that he would never have romantic love for me again, is that enough? I don't know. But today it has me grieving for all I've lost.

Ascendant posted 3/14/2014 08:22 AM

I think what many of us, BS and WS alike, need to get away from is this nebulous idea of "....ever again."

Focus on your healing. You're going to need that whether you're married or not, whether your husband loves you or not.

All you can do is control your actions in the right here and right now....getting too caught up in things 'down the road' can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed; hopelessness and despair creep in.

I'm a BH. I talk with lots of BHs on this board. For a great many of the guys I talk to who are 5 years out and don't love their wives, they never felt like their wives made any lasting changes.

They may have bluffed remorse or even had it for a while, but they didn't put the work in long term to change their decision making processes, and their BS can see it in their actions. They treated the wound, but not the infection.

In short: worry about making yourself a safe partner. That's all you can control at the end of the day, anyway. Maybe the affair was a dealbreaker, maybe it wasn't...either way, you don't control his decision.

Brandon808 posted 3/14/2014 08:27 AM

I was positive in July that I could never love BH in a romantic way again, but I was wrong.
Like you said it's only been two months for your BH and your feelings changed. It's not guaranteed his will but it's certainly too early to assume that his love will never come back. If he's there, staying in the M, then you both have that chance. I wouldn't give up on it. Don't argue/debate what he said but don't accept it (internally) as the final answer. Respect and look towards the future and what you can rebuild together.

sparkysable posted 3/14/2014 08:50 AM

My XWH had another affair after 6 years of R. Just when I thought we had gotten to a really good point in our marriage, he did it again.

SandAway posted 3/14/2014 08:56 AM

Ascendant is spot on with his post.

Go into the Recon Forum, at the top is a thread full of positive stories. Read them and avoid the other forums for a while.

Stay strong and positive!

RippedSoul posted 3/14/2014 09:09 AM

I'm a BW who adores her SLAWH. I believe he adores me (he said it, actually, last week). But my eyes are wide open, and, frankly, he's an addict, so . . . There are behaviors I can accept and behaviors I can't. Right now--and for the rest of our lives together--I expect COMPLETE and TOTAL fidelity. No more physical or emotional affairs or I'm gone. Adoration bedamned.

I can't control my SLAWH; you can't control your BH. But, like Ascendant said, you CAN control you. All the effort you put into healing yourself, every constructive action you make toward self-recovery, and any marriage-building activities you do will be helpful. For you. For your betrayed spouse (if accepted). For this current M. And for any future M. So while you've lost a lot, it doesn't have to have been a waste.

And, over time, if and when you become a safe person for your spouse, then the love may rekindle. If he's willing to stay in the M, for now, then what do you have to lose? Any progress you make is still progress. Good luck!

numb&dumb posted 3/14/2014 09:53 AM

I'm a BH. I talk with lots of BHs on this board. For a great many of the guys I talk to who are 5 years out and don't love their wives, they never felt like their wives made any lasting changes.

Most of those scenarios did not involve remorseful wife. The WW's pride was more important to them than the M.

In other words those WW did not own their fecal matter.

FWIW- two months out is too early. If he is there, that actions says more than any words could.

At two month outs I said similar things all the time. At this stage he is mentally convincing himself of what he thinks he should do versus what he wants to do. Cognitive Dissonance, is a horrible thing to thing to life with.

CantBeUndone posted 3/14/2014 10:23 AM

Thank you for the replies! The reality is that my BH has been amazing. Way better than I deserve, way better than I would be if I were in his shoes. And you're right, forever is too long to think about right now. My job as I see it right now is to keep the faith and be the glue. When I told him I wanted a divorce (before he knew about the affair), he said no because he thought we were worth fighting for. Now it's my turn to ride that wave. Do the work and be the wife I always should've been.

isadora posted 3/14/2014 10:46 AM

At 2 months the shock has worn off and the BS is coming to grips with their new reality. It wasn't until 6 months that I was able see clearly in order to make any decisions. It's a long road.. Hang in there

floridaredman posted 3/14/2014 10:49 AM

Just think what would have happened if he agreed to that divorce. You may have realized that you still loved him deeply and completely have thrown everything away.

Your BH is just real hurt right now. His feelings are all over the place. You have true remorse for what you have done and no doubt he sees that. Keep fighting for him. He's fighting himself just to stay with you. Keep making his fight worth it.

BrokenButTrying posted 3/14/2014 13:38 PM

Hi CBU, welcome back! I was wondering where you'd gone

We're a week shy of being 3 months out. We've separated (sort of - see my separation and progress thread)
But for the main part, BH is still here. He still wants to spend time with me. That speaks louder than all his angry words.

I am remorseful, I am working on myself, I am healing and the changes are starting to show. BH can see all this, it's the only reason he's still allowing me to breathe the same air as him!

Remember when both our BH's were refusing to discuss our A's? When they said there was no point? My BH's willingness to talk is increasing. He allows himself to be vulnerable with me about once a fortnight now which is a huge improvement from back nearer to Dday. He is healing, just slowly and in his own way.

Keep working on yourself, keep hearing your BH's anger as him telling you how hurt he is. Support him however he needs. My BH seems to be unlike any other. To help him process and heal he's asked me to just 'be normal'. He will talk about the A when he wants to, I am receptive when he does. But apart from that, I don't bring it up but I ensure he knows I'm always willing to discuss it.
He never says so but even when he's at his most angry he needs to hear that I love him, that I'm committed, that I'm not going anywhere. He needs reassurance.

When things get tough, when you wonder if there's any hope, think about what it would be like if you weren't remorseful. What would happen if you were still foggy? Hung up on the AP, giving TT, not allowing for transparency? Would your BH still be around? Probably not. I know mine wouldn't be. So there's hope.

Mrs Panda posted 3/14/2014 20:54 PM

We are 5+ years out and extremely happy. it is possible

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