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10 year anniversary

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missy717 posted 3/14/2014 08:52 AM

My H and I just had our 10 year anniversary and I found out he has been cheating. He has lied so many times i can't even tell when he is telling the truth anymore. The crazy part is I have stood by him through everything when everyone else gave up on him and now this. I never even thought of cheating on him. I don't understand. I have all these thoughts and feelings that I am having panic attacks. He says he loves me and wants our family. That it was a mistake that only started 2 months ago. How can I believe or even trust him? My heart is broken and every time I see him on his phone or he gets a text message I want to scream, shout, cry and run away. I just don't know what to do. Can I forgive him for everything he has put our family through. I know no matter what that healing is going to take time no matter what the decision I make.

5454real posted 3/14/2014 09:03 AM

I'm sorry that you've had to join us. You're right, no matter what your decision is, it's going to take time.

That it was a mistake that only started 2 months ago.

First and foremost, whatever else, this wasn't a mistake. A mistake is putting a tablespoon of salt in when the recipe called for a teaspoon. This was a choice on his part. He didn't trip and fall in. He has to own that.

Welcome to the best bunch of people you had never hoped to meet. Please, keep posting. Check out the healing library in the upper left hand corner, there's a ton of great reference material in there.

You will survive this. We can help.

I'm very sorry to *meet* you, but oh so glad you made it.


missy717 posted 3/14/2014 09:20 AM

Thank you for the advise. I told him the same thing about being a mistake. I just want to know why and I know thats not ever going to happen because he says he doesn't know that himself. I feel like I did something wrong and I know that I haven't. I know this emotion is what everyone has been cheated on goes through. It just hurts so much.

Michman posted 3/14/2014 09:45 AM

Sorry you are here...a place no one wants to be but 40k plus have managed to find it.

Get tested for STDs. All of them.
Take care of yourself (eat, sleep, drink water) and your kids.
IC for you-you gotta get it out
Take care of yourself.
Angry?-Go running, workout, lift weights, shovel snow, plant a garden, go swimming, go for a long walk. Burn the rage up, don't allow yourself to be consumed and controlled by it.

The "why" is his shit. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Repeat this.

The Healing Library, in the yellow box upper left hand corner of this page. Read. Read alot.

Good stuff here:

Unfortunately, this is the beginning, and it sucks. It may get worse, but it will eventually get better. I am almost 6 months past dday and I'm ok. There are lots of folks here who will help. You don't need to make any decision now or next week or next month. Take time to think and make the best decision for you!

Others will post, hang in there!


[This message edited by Michman at 9:47 AM, March 14th (Friday)]

norabird posted 3/14/2014 09:58 AM

I'm sorry honey. It's certainly to early to worry about forgiving him. Too soon to start trusting him too! Actions matter, not words, so watch what he does and ignore the nice things he says as they are currently empty. Focus on yourself right now--eating well, drinking water, getting enough sleep. This is a huge trauma and treat yourself like your own patient, with as much pampering as possible.

Did he confess or did you discover what happened yourself? It may go back further than two months, often cheaters minimize the truth when found out. Just be prepared to learn more. And as for the phone, it better not be password protected anymore! You also need email access--total transparency. Use a key logger on the computer if you must (don't tell him).

Hosea posted 3/14/2014 11:20 AM


Norabird is so right-- you can't forgive him before you know if you can trust him, and you can't trust him before you know if you really KNOW him. (Right now, you don't!)

The panic attacks are horrible-- but they WILL pass as you stabilize yourself. As Michman noted, the Healing Library works!

If you have a true, trustworthy friend or family member near, I hope you can reach out to them for the consolation you absolutely need right now. DON'T let your husband be that person-- he's already proven unworthy of that privilege.

"I just want to know why and I know thats not ever going to happen because he says he doesn't know that himself."
The "Why" of his affair is already obvious: he was selfish, weak, and valued his own "needs" above your love, faithfulness, trust, and respect.

The details of the affair, whenever he gives them, are far less important than his point-of-view about their meaning. The sad truth is that he's not likely in a hurry to admit to you (or himself) how horribly he's treated you and how unworthy he's proven of your love and trust. Until he can say this, and really MEAN it, he's not a man you should consider trusting or forgiving.

Hang in there, and keep sharing with the great gang at SI. You'll get better advice here FOR FREE than you would from a marriage counselor sharing $100 a session!

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