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Newest Member: js01 (45726)

User Topic: so many fears
Imissmyhusb
♀ 42734
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new

found out in oct 2013 that he was cheating, suspected over the years but no real proof. we have had problems of course but for him to tell me ILUBINILWU was devastating. he will not give up OW because 'she has nothing to do with us, and his feelings about me wouldn't change if she wasn't in the picture'
I was willing to work on it but now I'm not sure. we have 3 kids and I am a SAHM
I started counseling alone and he came once out of 5 visits so far.
I still really love him and I pray we can find a happy medium and continue our marriage, and keep our family in tact.
it turns out there is more than one OW, and I am finding out bits and pieces of this horrid story via my own investigating. i'm not sure that he knows what I know but he knows I am suspicious.

I'm so scared to make a move

what if he wont move out if I end up putting him out
what if he leaves us for the OW
what if he tries to come back after leaving
what will this do to my children
how will our families react
will I find a job that sustains us if he leaves

I know this is a choppy post, missing info etc but my mind is a mess right now

I have been reading a lot on this site and I realize the things I should do but its really hard to get started. Its crazy to me that I still love him enough to try and protect him from the consequences of his cheating by not taking some kind of action

he said he wants to try and work things out but he has yet to do anything substantial, like cutting off the OW
I guess i'm hanging on to hope that he may have something left for me. why am I settling for scraps and crumbs? my mind says "put his ass out" but my heart says "give him a chance, he's in pain too"

what the hell is wrong with me?


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2014
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. It is not fair to you that he keeps seeing the OW, while you have the constant pain of being rejected. He is cake eating as we say here, and having the best of both worlds. It's so much less than you deserve and he needs to see consequences for the A. Otherwise he has no motive to change. And if being pushed off the fence means he ends up with the OW, it may hurt but it is far better than suffering in limbo with a man who no longer loves you!

Don't feel stupid that you still love him as it is normal...but stop letting your fear of change hold you captive. You're so unhappy right now that any change is good. You will figure out the finances, etc as you go forward.

Many advise to take half your money out of joint accounts before confronting. Please also see a lawyer ASAP. Knowledge is power.

Sending you strength. You are worth so much more in this. Stand up for what you deserve.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Imissmyhusb
♀ 42734
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks norabird
you are so right and I know I need to do something


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2014
yme32313
♀ 42091
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let him know how it feels to be without you and having that dependability he has had on you.
I left the house and my husband hated the fact that I wasn't around, no one to call, no one talk to at dinner, sleeping alone.
My husband had been a bachelor for 40+ years and the 5 months that I was married to him and left because of what I found out prior to getting married, had him devastated.
He was so dependent on me that he didn't know what to do to himself.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 205 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
trynhard
♂ 22698
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imissmyhusb.. My thoughts.. Change YOU.

Fears.. Courage will beat fear. Ignore your fear.

I'm so scared to make a move

This is about YOU and your courage you can find. It's much like jumping into a cold pool.. you fear the shock of the cold.. yet in a few minutes you get used to the water.

what if he wont move out if I end up putting him out

You might not be able to put him out. You ask him to move out. If he won't, do not cook for him, no laundry, no talking other than, No, yes.. Do not touch him. If he comes in your room, you go to anther. You start looking to be independant.

what if he leaves us for the OW

You should view this a postive. This could be a very good gift to you. Good men fight for his woman, even when he sins.. he sees his sin and wants to no longer be that man.

what if he tries to come back after leaving

That will be YOUR choice, not his.

what will this do to my children

It will hurt them. This is when you will need to be very good. Learn what it means to raise kids healthy in D. You stop being a little girl and become a woman.

how will our families react

How hard is it to say, "I am not going to live my life with any man who believes in infideltity" That is not what YOU signed up for. Who in thier right mind would not RESPECT that?

will I find a job that sustains us if he leaves

That depends on YOU. What is your passion? Now is the the time to chase it..

Be a woman.. Be strong.. This is a choice, an attitude.. A girl will crawl up, hide, stay depressed.. Change YOU.

You never needed a man before you got M and you don't need one now. A good man will choose to join you in your life in happiness and be open, loving, caring, giving, intimate.. Good men have been thrown out by selfish women. I am sure you are very attractive in many ways or your weak H would have been gone a long time ago. A selfish man will keep you around to enjoy those attraction.. He is not worthy with an attitude of.. I don't need any Counciling.. That means he is such a man who will not work on himself to improve. If he won't now, he NEVER will. He is one of the 1/3 of weak men in this world. You can do far better. The odds are in your favor.

No man is ever going to tell you again he loves you but not in love with you. That is a weak man. A weak person. You make yourself worthy of only strong men. Either a man is going to be ALL IN.. or the woman in YOU says get out. 1/3 of all men are stong men, these kinds of men, masculine, the kind YOU want.

A new job, a new career, this will bring you much strenght. Focus on that! be independent.

Anybody can do it. It take effort. Courage.. your fear will then fade.. when they do, good will come.

Attitude.. thoughts always come before feelings. YOU control your thoughts. You work toward having good feelings, go have fun with friends, excersise, do a hobby.. work on a new career.. Want less "things".. Strong is good, attractive.. YOU be strong.

It is his choice to seek Counciling. There are consequences to his weak, unmasculine self, This kind of man should get disqaulified.

Tell him what you know.. tell him that YOU are making the choice he is too weak for you. And you are not going to be with a weak man.. Take on this attitude... 100% effort by him or he is NOT WORTHY of YOU..

Your peace will come with strenght! Be strong, I know you have it within.. we all do. Start today!

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:55 PM, March 14th (Friday)]


Posts: 2697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
DragonBunker
♀ 42551
Member # 42551
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is scary, and I can only answer your questions with the experience that I have- I had the same fears.

Your kids will be fine if you are honest with them in an age appropriate manner and never fall apart in front of them. For a child to see their parent lose control is a potentially terrifying experience.

If he doesn't leave her and instead leaves you, or comes back and it doesn't work, you will be sad to begin with. And angry beyond belief. But you will be free. And from freedom comes a chance to build a new, stronger you and a better, happier life. I promise x


Never looking back with longing. Always looking forward with hope.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2014
Imissmyhusb
♀ 42734
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Courage is definitely lacking right now

Im afraid of the unknown
Im also still kinda in denial. I cant believe this is happening to me


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2014
Imissmyhusb
♀ 42734
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been told that i am strong because i have kept my composure and not reacted
I think i am numb


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2014
Imissmyhusb
♀ 42734
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didnt mention that OW is married... to a cop. Im so afraid that he will try to do my H serious harm w his weapon.

I dont want anythg bad to happen
I see 'the fog' written all over him.
Its very sad and yes very scary


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2014
ShiningAutumn8
42558
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess i'm hanging on to hope that he may have something left for me. why am I settling for scraps and crumbs? my mind says "put his ass out" but my heart says "give him a chance, he's in pain too"

He's not in pain.

In fact, he's in the opposite of pain. He's got a wife and family at home, and an OW on the side to stroke his ego and other parts. Sound like something you would enjoy? Me neither. that's because we have empathy and honesty and are not selfish and cruel.

He is selfish therefore he is not in pain.

Don't ascribe to him feelings of empathy that he doesn't possess.

Get angry. Put him out, or leave yourself with the kids.

Also in regard to a prior suggestions to take 1/2 the money. I'd actually take 3/4 since you will have the kids with you. Split it proportionate to however many kids you have.

I am so sorry he is doing this to you. Be strong. Keep reading here for support. Tell your entire family! Including his! Expose the OW.


Posts: 522 | Registered: Feb 2014
Leia
♀ 42510
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading a lot about this stuff, and when I found out, I was numb, too. That is a natural reaction according to a lot of blogs and web sites I've read. That is just your brain's way of protecting itself. Please follow the good advice that the others have posted. See a lawyer, make sure you have half the money (I got cleaned out) and do what needs to be done. One small task/baby step at a time. You will eventually regain your power and be able to cope with it all.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
Imissmyhusb
♀ 42734
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah
They work together, H is OW immed supvsr

[This message edited by Imissmyhusb at 2:54 PM, March 14th (Friday)]


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2014
Imissmyhusb
♀ 42734
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out yesterday that OW H knows. He used a recording device


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2014
ShiningAutumn8
42558
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why didn't you expose it to OW's H when you first learned of the affair.

The fact the OW is H's inferior at work, means he could lose his job.

Not only is he hurting you emotionally and physically, he is also putting your family's financial well being at risk.

Time to see a Lawyer. He will continue cheating on you as long as you allow it. Up until now, you haven't given him any consequences for cheating, so he has continued to do it.


Posts: 522 | Registered: Feb 2014
Imissmyhusb
♀ 42734
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought he would try to kill my H
Maybe unlikely but i couldnt chance it. Now he knows so my worries begin for Hs safety


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2014
Imissmyhusb
♀ 42734
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to everyone for your responses

This is the most difficult situation


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2014
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a difficult situation certainly and my heart goes out to you. But ask yourself: why are you so worried about your H, and not about yourself?

He decided to put himself at risk by having this affair. I certainly hope the OW's BH does not go after him but, why is it your business? Did you cause him yo take that risk? No! So why on earth are you worried that he might see consequences for his actions? That is HIS problem. Your problem is how to protect your emotional and financial well-being. Stop thinking about him and protect yourself instead. You need to learn to be selfish. Caring so much about him didn't make him treat you right so now he has no right to be given the time of day by you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
trynhard
♂ 22698
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been told that i am strong

Super.. These are people who know the real you.

Ignore the numbness.. View this a temporary pain in your life and it will be.

Forge on! You once were fine single right? a power you once had that is within you.. to find again. You can and will.

No Man treats you this way. Be strong.

Peace be with you..


Posts: 2697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Imissmyhusb
♀ 42734
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been going to counseling and he has said the same things you all have said - dont be concerned with the outcome. I am on the fence just like H


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2014
ChinaCat
♀ 42797
Member # 42797
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard:

What you posted above has given me a whole new outlook on my situation!

Thank you from the very top of my heart!

I printed out your words and am putting them in my pocketbook and my drawer so i can read it while I make my journey.

Thank you!


"Every time I stay out late; every time I sleep in; every time I miss a workout; every time I don't give 100% - I make it that much easier for him to beat me!"
Me: BS & Beautiful!

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 50
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