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Caught him in a lie today. Nothing to do with the A, a stupid work thing but why lie to me? I asked him and he says sometimes it is just easier than explaining it.

WTF?

We have been doing good lately and now he is just gonna start up with the lies again. He says why am I so mad.

I told him this is how it all started that lead him to the A. Constant lying.

I told him not to come home tonight. I will not accept the lies anymore about ANYTHING!

"Lies" That's what is killing a lot of marriages, more than the affair itself.

Exactly! But he doesn't get it

I think its a bad sign 1) because your only 3 months out from D-Day; and 2) because he doesn't seem remorseful for lying (ie he is making excuses and doesn't "understand" why you're upset)

The thing is, by his admission, he is lying because its "easier" than explaining the truth. In other words, he's lying for his own benefit (whether that is laziness, not having to deal with questions, or what not).

Its a SELFISH motivator for his lying.

I think its not a good sign, and Im very glad to hear you have told him not to come home. I don't necessarily think it means he's still cheating, but it means that he isn't VALUEING honesty or RESPECTING you. He doesn't get it yet, what true reconciliation is.

Keep your foot down b/c lying 3 months out is not what real remorse looks like.

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 1:22 PM, March 14th (Friday)]

My wife and I got into an discussion about this the other day.

and it was something simple as well... it was how she was felling. And it took her a while to get...

It's not about what the lie was about or how big or small it was... it was that it was a lie.... It took me back to DDay when she did this.

She did finally get it though.

ANY lie when trying to R from an affair is a HUGE DEAL. It's dishonest, disrespectful, and continued wayward behavior.

What consequences have you set for lying?

Right now his consequence is not being able to come home. I told him I won't tolerate it and it is like starting all over again.

He apologized but I don't think he gets it.

Try explaining it like this (or in any other like way that would ring a chord with him).

Your trust is like a bucket full of water. The affair resulted in that trust bucket being thrown into your face and now, it's empty. For you to consider to stay, that bucket needs to be, at a minimum, X-amount full.

Every time that he's truthful to you, goes to IC, willingly shows you his phone, etc (whatever you've established as your needs), he is putting a drop in the bucket. Drop by drop, the water is rising higher.

Every time he lies to you, betrays you, stays out late without asking, chats up a woman (any thing that you have said that is a deal-breaker), a scoop of water is dumped out or the bucket is emptied. If the bucket is emptied, it dries out, cracks appear, and now it's even harder to keep water in it.

It's his choice, every day, if he's going to put water into the bucket or dump water out of the bucket. His decision. Choose wisely.

FWIW, we didn't almost get legally separated and I didn't do an in-house separation on the run up to the legal separation because of his infidelity. It was because of his lying. Had he had a job when I found out about big lie #2, we might not be married today. I only held off on serving him because I wanted to make sure that he had a job so that my spousal support was a high as possible.

Yes, the lying is the worst. Deceiving our reality. Just a total mindfuck. And because it's easier? Does truthfulness have meaning to him? Ask him. Does his word have meaning to him? Doesn't he want you to have faith in him as a man whose word(s) can be trusted? If he lies about little things....he can't expect you to trust him ever.

Did he lie before the A?

Is he in IC? If he is he should address this.

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 5:40 PM, March 14th (Friday)]

He is in IC. And he may have lied before once in a while before the A. I know he wasn't perfect and neither was I. What gets me is how he said it was easier to lie. I told him R isn't going to be easy and if he cant handle it there is the door. He did this and has to live with the consequences, this was his choice, not mine. I told him words are cheap and I will only believe in actions.

We will see how he acts if I decide to let him back in the house.

Sometimes I think this happens because they got so used to lying during the A that now they need to condition themselves out of the habit.

I had the same issue with H after D-Day. It was something stupid, but I had a heart attack. Told him if I caught him lying again about ANYTHING that it was a deal breaker. I explained to him what I read in The Healing Library about "making deposits". Pretty much similar to the "drop in the bucket". He makes deposits everyday. It is the only way to build back trust. Telling a lie - no matter how insignificant - is unacceptable behavior.

We're 2 years out. He doesn't lie. PERIOD!

Hang in there. He "needs" to get it!

Prior to my XWW A I knew she lied about shit. Mostly stuff that in the end added up to nothing and I simply would disregard it. But after you have been smacked upside the head with the infidelity hammer its very hard to let these tings go unnoticed any longer. Its a sign that a person is broken and basically does not have the respect to be honest. Lies are lies big, small it don't matter. Nor should they be tolerated. At the extreme it would be a deal breaker for me. On the other side of the spectrum it should at least be a topic of concern and discussion. Sometimes people who lie constantly have a hard time breaking that habit. And unless you keep on their ass about it there is no motivation for them to change.