(I originally posted this in the Reconciliation forum, but not so sure anymore it belongs there)
I guess it's time to finally become an active member of this amazingly helpful site. I have been coming here for almost 2 months. Sad that i had to find this site, but as a BS, i needed to find some kind of relief, help, support, and acknowledgement that i'm indeed not going crazy and that its normal to feel like my world just shattered along with the bazillion of emotions that hit me all at once. I'll do my best to summarize my story. My WH and I have been together for 14 years, married almost 7 years. We have 2 amazing children. My biggest supporters and encouragers to keeping it together. 2012, WH found a new job. Thought it was going to be such a great turn around for us, more money, more movement for advancement for him and easier to be a SAHM. Little did i know this was going to be the start of my nightmare. WH is a very friendly and his personality just draws anyone towards him. This although great, has also been a source of a lot of our discussions as his approach on things just sends the wrong message to women. Hes very attentive and just a very approachable guy. As a woman, I know how desirable this trait is in a guy. Seems like he was not feeling all that checked into our marriage, unhappy, stressed, depressed, pressured, unwanted, all to which i had no idea about until a couple of months later, which i addressed and worked on as soon as i was informed. I know we were having a bit of a hard time, but I blew it off to the stresses of parenthood and having just had a new baby. In Jan 2013, he became close friends with a COW. WH started coming home, a little too excited when he would talk about her. This behavior started putting up my red flags. I told him how it made me feel, etc. He decided to take the approach of just hiding it all from me. For the entire time. until DDay Jan 2014, we had SO many issues about this topic. So many red flags were waving with flames on them. I tried numerous times, telling him to stop. How disrespectful it all felt for me, you name it, i told him. I think it was over 8 times that i told him he had to stop any form of communication with her. He would either tell me that he told her to not talk to him, but then it would restart, or that he hadnt heard from her, that he had only gone once to lunch with her but that didnt do it again because he knew how i felt about it,(turned into TT. Truth was that it happened numerous times) but overall she was just a really good friend. I even tried meeting her since she was supposedly such a good friend, but he shut that down very quickly. I can give a book full of examples of red flags and excuses that were given. I heard it all as im sure SI has too. During that year, he completely changed, he felt distant, he was meaner to me, he had a short fuse with the kids. He just wasnt the man i married but for fear of losing him, i blamed myself and with his help, I felt like i was the one causing all of our problems for my "unjust" insecurity. I became very good at being in denial. My gut screamed otherwise but i would usually muffle it with thoughts that he would never cheat on me. It had to be the extra stress of it all. That he knew better, as he saw his parents go thru the same thing. During that time, i kept trying to play it cool, I put in 200% of the work to address his issues, lack of intimacy, feeling loved, etc, I made sure his needs were met despite how i felt, emotionally, mentally and physically, plus the duties and sleep exhaustion of being a SAHM and being the only one doing night duty. I tried the best way i could, by talking to him and telling him how he might be leading her on and he just kept denying saying he wasnt doing anything like that and she wasnt that type of person. So many times, he worried more about how it was going to make OW feel then how it made me feel. Again, i was very much in denial. Deleted texts, emails, phone calls, just friends, locked phone, change of passwords, all ways to protect himself, or rather how he stated, to avoid any conflicts with me, yet i was the crazy one, the one causing all of our problems, that my insecurity and lack of trust for him was making him feel trapped. He told me the "ive changed, i need space, i feel trapped, life is a rountine" speech. During this time as well, as a way to help us out, more for myself since i couldnt shake of this feeling of something not being right, *SMH* (i knew better, but kept denying) we went to MC. We said what we had to say, and he kept his story of it being just a friend. Even convincing the MC that he hadnt done anything and how i had to realize that he was a good guy just going down a slippery slope. Little did i know, that he had already betrayed me by then. We came out of it with the conclusion that he was starting to enter an EA. He said he would step away because he didnt want to break us up for something that he has no intentions with and how he wants to become a better spouse and partner. ETC.
DDay came almost 2 months ago. Almost a year to the day that they started. I found a text where he told her he loved her. That was it for me. I confronted and he claims it was just 2 kisses and both times felt awkward. Once before MC and the other one after. I demanded access to our phone account since that too he kept away from me with no access. I had demanded this before but he never gave me the info. Said i didnt need it, and that it was all his privacy and that he wasnt going to allow his privacy to be invaded. Joint account by the way. I settled for it, because i had no solid evidence or proof, just speculation and gut feeling but just not enough. After a few days of him going around the bush with this topic about wanting access and telling him this was my deal breaker. He finally gave in and gave it to me. He spoke to OW numerous times a day, for hours at a time. To work, from work, during lunch, during the day, etc. On our special days, saw how he would call me first for a minute or two, would hang up and then call OW immediately and talk until he pulled up into the driveway. WH works an hour away with traffic taking up to 2 hours to get home. Every day, minus most weekends, he would speak to OW. Nothing you havent heard on SI. Even ignoring my calls, or hanging up with OW, picking up my call, saying he was driving and just had a headache, needed to focus, listening to music, talking to his mother, etc. Excuses excuses.
Fast forward, obviously after it was brought to light and i also called OW to which i told her never to talk to him again, I found out about a month later that he had sent her an email a day or so after DD. I wasnt able to see it all, but just it starting out as , "i know i shouldnt be doing this but i want to apologize...". I had asked during that time frame if there was anything else or any form of contact. All answered with a no. She even left the job earlier then her last day because it made her feel uncomfortable. Boohoo. Upon this relevation, he said i was never meant to find it because once he sent it, he deleted it. It was a long time ago, (barely 3 weeks from DD) so he didnt remember what was on it plus it wasnt like OW answered back. ETC. From the few snippets he can barely remember, it certainly wasnt a NC letter but more of a sorry and good luck with your life, crap load i think. During that time, I began reading, "after the affair". I even got him to read a little. I thought we had made progress. Then this email came to light and it was DD#2. I was back to square 1.
To this day, we havent gone to MC or IC, because its expensive and not feasible right now. I figured the more i can read and we communicate, "its better then nothing". He also said he didnt want to do MC again because its a waste of time and they will tell us everything he already knows we should be doing. I kinda agree, since he was so good at lying thru it the first time. WH has been telling me things, has mentioned if anyone said or done anything strange, when he sees i'm having a hard time, for the most part he will give me a hug and try to comfort me. He says he understands that I will be needing time to regain his trust and to heal. For the most part he has tried to answer my questions, but not without it becoming a TT at first. Recently when i bring it up again about any triggers ive had or thoughts or questions, he sort of shuts down. He'll listen, respond but then tells me how he doesnt want to talk about it and how he cant understand why I cant just move forward. To him this "talking about it" just sets us back. He tells me he has done a good job not thinking about OW or the situation but every time i bring it up, he is reminded about OW. I obviously dont want to do that as i would rather OW fall off the edge of the world, so i try not to bring it up. I have been reading SI for weeks now, trying different approaches, and ways to heal together. We have had more good days then bad over all, but the thoughts havent stopped crossing thru my mind during the day, every day.
Last night, after seeing a suggestion on a previous post, while he was on the phone, i said, "lets go thru it together". I figured it was something we could do together, so i wouldnt have to feel like im sneaking into his phone whenever hes not around. Its no surprise to him that i will check his phone when theres an opportunity, although ive done good at not doing it for a couple of days. He immediately got all weird and said, no, theres no reason for you to go thru my phone. I said, are you serious? And hes like yeah, it's my phone, you dont have to go thru it, theres no reason, hes not doing anything.....he turns it off and puts it on his side.
So here I am, baffled. Here I thought he truly understood the reasons, to which i have been an open book about, to why i do the things i do and what i require from him. After his EA/PA, this wasnt the reaction I expected, again, as i thought he understood. I have tried not bringing up the topic as much just to not make it uncomfortable and now hes has a problem accepting that i dont trust him and how I just cant take his word for it and why im still dwelling on it all. I dont think that there has been communication again, but then again, ive became a pro at being in denial and hes pretty good at lying. I want to say that this was suddenly, but realistically it's not. I just thought we were making progress. Is there any way to help him understand that it's all a part of me feeling better? He said to me this morning, after i brought it up again and told him i felt about what happened, that he doesnt have anything to hide and that i could use him phone whenever i needed it, but i shouldnt be snooping thru it. *Mind blown* How does he not get that, his word isnt that reliable right now for me? Tomorrow will be 2 months, but it seems for him that its been enough time to trust him and stop going thru his things. Am i missing something? Should i stop telling him my thoughts, my triggers, my questions? Should I not be confiding in him? Is that too much for him to handle? I have no idea.
These stupid triggers come when i least expect or want them too. And its unfortunate that OW has the same name as the month my daughter was born. Shes excited for her birthday and mentions it all the time. Not to mention tv, radio etc says this month all the time. How can i make that stop too from being a trigger?