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What I really Want to Say

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LostSamurai posted 3/14/2014 12:31 PM

How could you do this to me again? How could you do this our daughter? How could you carry it on for over a year and get up on the pulpit and sing and speak in tongues and then go screw someone else's husband, my relative?

And Look at you now, hiding behind your parents again. Looks like you never have to take responsibility for your actions. You get away again and you blame me for my porn addiction, and martial arts and video gaming, but I worked on getting a control of my addiction. I did the martial arts as a hobby and not to replace my time with you. I played games when daughter was asleep and you were running out the house to go to work.

Not once, did I stop loving you. Yes, the marriage has ups and downs but we got married to stick by each other and work together through everything. Now you are living with your parents and took our daughter with you and I am all alone with this freaking cat. And you don't even care if I am sad, depressed or angry. You only care about how you look to others. You act like you are the victim in this whole situation.

Truthfully you are the murderer! And I regret that I gave you forgiveness right away. Forever I will be haunted by that text to your father claiming you love him. You wore his necklace all the time no matter we were and even in our family pictures.

You are such a HYPOCRITE. You would use scripture against me at a time like this. You think I can depend on your and trust you but you do nothing that is evident that you are truthful. You say you love me at time, but they are just words. I forgave both of you, and you both walked all over it and show no remorse.

I regret threatening you that day you told me. You humiliated me, embarrassed me and just ruined my dreams of a family and life. You could of just talked to me, suggested to go to Marriage Counseling, but instead you go looking for love somewhere else.

I am ashamed to go out with Friends, because you went and told them. I am ashamed to be seen in public with you or to even have you around me. You both were at the family reunion and made a fool of me. I will never forget this pain.

You can tell he really loved you. He sure came running to get you after that day... Where is he now. He is trying to prove himself to his wife, why you sit questioning if you want to be in this marriage anymore. You act like I need to win you back to this marriage when you did the last offense. You keep using the excuse we both did things in the marriage. That shows me you never forgave me and you never healed. I am sorry for the PORN, but I took steps to get better and to get it out of my life.

I did it for me, for God, for you and for our daughter. I wanted to be a good father and husband, but that is all gone now. How is it that you can sit there and worry about your lover but not realize everything I am going through is because I love you. How can you live like this and not feel my pain? It's because you don't love me! Our daughter and I slept in the bed, but you defiled it with HIM and probably the Other Man.

You say you want to be a good mother, but how can you be a good mother when you just destroyed your daughters father? How can you look at her and say when I want to be a good mother when you just committed sin and think you are in love with someone through sin? Do you think GOD was going to honor that?!

And every time you come over and see me, you always have some thing judgmental to say about this and that. I told you I am working on improving myself but I don't need the person that already hurt me coming in and knocking down my efforts. You haven't even been completely transparent once.

I have to take medication, sleep on the couch, and realize I am all alone. In the beginning I blamed myself... But then I realized, it wasn't about me, it was all about you. It has always been that way. Ever since I took this job 76+ miles away I have been doing this to provide for you both. I only wanted to love you and be your knight in shinning armor. I knew I wasn't perfect but I was going to do whatever it took.

If we Reconcile, we are going to have to move. Why, because I don't feel safe in my own homeland. I don't feel safe in the place I was born. I feel like everyone is looking at me and pointing and saying there is SO and SO who's wife slept with a relative in their own family. Isn't she a Pastor's Daughter. I guess he didn't treat her right or she wasn't getting her needs met.

Well, all through the years, your needs were being met and I and your daughter had to suffer. Now our family, friends, and church are suffering because you want Attention. Bet you feel like a good mother now...huh?

I can barely look at you and when I am around you my body tells me to run away. I hardly want to think about you but yet my heart still cares for you. I thought I could trust you again and our relationship would get better. You lied, and and went seeking him and some other creep. Both Janitors and one is Racist. You think he was going to take care of your daughter? My relative doesn't even have his own car, and only makes 10 dollars an hour. He too was a porn addict, and I say was, because the next step is to act out those fantasies and cheat. And he did, and treated you like a cheap prostitute.

I have always been there for your family. I took a loan out in my name to pay for your parents house. I let them live with us. I was there when your father had his nervous breakdown and the church was disintegrating. We lived with them and I helped out as much as I could. I also was there when your Uncle was hit by a drunk driver. I took you to the hospital every chance I got and spent time with you as much as I could to comfort you. I remember when you were aching, I put a hot compress on you to make you feel better. I may not be a mechanic, or a piano player, or a preacher, and I am Hell sure am not perfect but I darn sure would not hurt a friend and let them wallow in the pain I caused them. I didn't do it for you and I wouldn't even now.

I only wanted to be your husband, your friend, your lover, your shoulder to cry on, your ears for listening, your support when you wanted to achieve something, and most importantly I wanted you to know I would be there through the thick and thin. I am still here and yet, you treat me with such disdain. I did not tell you to have an affair, you went looking for it.

You hated me so much apparently that you wanted to break me and destroy me. And all you could say was I am sorry... Sorry you got caught. Sorry that your love fantasy is over.

Next time just take one of my swords and run it through me.

If we Reconcile, I will be forever wondering is it me you think you are kissing, is it me you are making love to or is it him. Are your yearning for him, and wanting to be with him while you are with me. I have to wonder what you are doing when your not with me and basically track you down and live like a blood hound forever on the scent of a fox. What type of life is that to live, wondering will I ever be able to trust you, will I ever be able to look at you and take you places and not feel ashamed.

I don't want to start over with some one new, not only because I love you, but because, the message you sent to me was pretty loud and clear. I am nothing to you or anyone. I am always that man that could not provide what you wanted or everything you needed and I was never good enough. I wasn't talented enough. I wasn't skilled enough.

The pain you caused me so bad, I have actually prayed that God would strike me with a disease so I can die. I wanted to stop living because I just had about all I can take. The life I lived has only been a disappointment, un-fulfilling. I feel so angry at times, I just hate myself. I hate being angry, and even worst I hate being sad. I hate feeling these emotions and then the one person I was supposed to count is not there to listen to my heart. She has shut me out and detached from me and broken my heart in so many pieces.

If you decide to Reconcile... Tell me what I have to offer you because based off everything, and the way you are acting now, you are telling me nothing. You are telling me I am worth nothing to you now and nothing to you before.

I hope your happy, because I am not...


DragonBunker posted 3/14/2014 12:53 PM

She's the one who should be ashamed, my friend. Se broke her vows. Vows she took in church. She broke them for a cheapening experience, but she only devalued herself through this- not you. You're the same man you ever were. And because she couldn't appreciate it doesn't make you worthless. It makes her selfish and shameful. Not you. This is not your doing and anyone who thinks it is can be deleted from your life.

LostSamurai posted 3/14/2014 13:16 PM

I know, but at times, it seems like she is very insensitive to my feelings. The above statement is what I feel like saying. I feel like I am just letting her off the hook and not knowing how I feel, because she really doesn't seem to have any empathy. That's probably just her.

I just have to get that off my chest.

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