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How do I say it.

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tr6ster posted 3/14/2014 14:09 PM

[This message edited by tr6ster at 2:26 PM, September 4th (Thursday)]

authenticnow posted 3/14/2014 15:22 PM

Hi, welcome to SI. It's good that you're planning to come clean. Your wife knows there is something and telling the truth is crucial if you want healing and a healthy marriage.

I know how difficult it can be! I TTd (trickle truthed) for over a year. My BH found out about one A, but there was more and it was too long before I was brave enough to tell him everything. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I couldn't speak the words either, so I sent him an email. I regret having to do it that way but my mouth literally couldn't form the words. I choked on them every time I wanted to tell him.

Not the best route maybe, but maybe you can write her a letter telling her everything? If you're like me, when you're emotional it's hard to speak. That was the only way I could find to do it.

Good luck. We are an awesome community that was created for a very bad reason, but I know you will find the support that you need here.

Wayflost posted 3/14/2014 15:26 PM

I would also suggest using a counselor. Maybe write down what you need to say first. Or hand over the letter with a counselor there. I wish I could have done that. Being found out instead of coming clean all on my own is something I will always regret.

tr6ster posted 3/14/2014 15:35 PM

[This message edited by tr6ster at 2:26 PM, September 4th (Thursday)]

Skan posted 3/14/2014 19:25 PM

Hello there, BW here. You do need to tell her. She will find out, eventually. And the longer it takes for her to find out, the longer her healing will be. Here's something that you may not have considered. Because it's taken 8 years for you to get around to telling her, she is going to re-think each and every experience that she has had with you, for those eight years. The good times and the bad times. And the A is going to make all of those years seem like a lie to her because, while she was living her life authentically as a wife to you, she is going to see you as being a shadowy figure hiding truth from her.

The longer that you wait to tell her, the more experiences that you have had together will be shadowed.

I would suggest that you write up a complete timeline. Every Detail spelled out: dates, times, what you did, what you were feeling while you did it, everything. And from that, you prepare a barebones timeline. Date, time, what you did. From first meeting of the OW, to first dirty discussion, first kiss, oral sex, etc. Think bullet list presentation.

Then you need to make sure that your children are not around when you tell your wife. You do not need them involved in the anguish that is going to occur. If you want to tell her while seeing a councilor, tell the councilor that you're going to do this so they are prepared and can maybe put you at the end of the day if your BW needs extra time. Go together do not make her drive after this. If you tell her at home, I would suggest that you have the children gone overnight at the least, perhaps for the weekend. Have the bullet point timeline ready to give to her if she wants it. Be honest. Be honest but as kind as you possibly can. Answer every question as many times as it's asked because she will not be able to retain a lot due to shock. BE HONEST. Don't lie, no matter how tempting. It is said here and it's very true, that a lot of the time, the A isn't what causes divorce, it's the lies, the TT afterward that causes divorce. Never, never make the mistake of thinking that you'll hold something back so that it doesn't hurt her. It will come out and your lie, your holding back, will hurt twice as much and it will set her back even more.

I commend you for making the decision to tell her.

solus sto posted 3/14/2014 20:29 PM

I'm a BW and would recommend great caution with the use-counseling-as-an-entre approach. You don't have "issues" to confront; you have your infidelity and your years of dishonesty about it to confront, first and foremost. Entering counseling for other reasons is manipulative and will likely result in your wife losing faith in MC altogether-something that might be really detrimental to your healing.

Far better, IMO, to start with honesty, rather than with a ruse. If you want to confess in the presence of a counselor, then be up front about the need for a mediator for a discussion you've been postponing.

Personally, I'd recommend having an MC appointment set for after confession. (For that, I'd do a complete timeline--with details.) I would have been mortified to have confession in another's presence. The emotional response--even if infidelity is suspected-- is enormous, and I simply would be unable to stay in the room with a counselor after disclosure.

It would feel both like an invasion of my privacy and extremely manipulative--as though it was planned specifically to inhibit my response. (And isn't it, really?)

There's no way to do this easily. Trust me--I learned of the earliest infidelities a dozen years after the fact. My husband angled for the MC approach, and later admitted he planned to "tackle other issues" first. Had he been honest with himself, he'd concede the "other issues" were largely the result of the disconnect his lies had created and his need to find fault to justify his cheating and subsequent cover-up.

As it was, I was willing to R. Had he put me through *any* period of MC before confessing, I would not have been. That level of attempting to manipulate outcome would have ended it right then and there.

If you do use the MC approach, plan to confess immediately. Don't have sessions devoted to other "issues." They are either manufactured or need to be backburnered because a confession is going to result in a complete change of focus that will dominate for at least 2-5 years (and plan on the slow track, given the long-term deception).

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but given the circumstances you couldn't have found a better place. Good luck to you-- truly, I wish the best for you.

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:31 PM, March 14th (Friday)]

FixYou71 posted 3/14/2014 20:47 PM

I completely agree with solus sto. I would have been very angry if I was manipulated into therapy under false pretenses.
The first thing you will need to deal with is your PA. Other marriage issues come 2nd. Your wife is probably going to want every answer to every question imaginable. She may not think of them all right away. The more honest and open you are, no matter how bad it makes you look, the better chance you stand.
She is going to want to know why you would risk everything on a few blow jobs. Have you done the work on yourself to figure out why you would so easily make such a choice? One that would jeopardize everything you built together? Possibly sacrificing her trust in you, her love for you, your ability to raise your children together, your self respect? As BS's this is a key question. We can't feel safe until a satisfactory answer is given to that question and then we need to see the work you're doing or have done to change that aspect of yourself. Otherwise we constantly fear a reoccurance. I was weak, I don't know why, I was lonely etc....aren't good enough.
Your choice to tell her the truth is the best choice you can make. Then you'll have A.L.O.T. of work to do. 8 years have passed for you. This will feel to her like it just happened since she is just getting the real truth.
The ONLY way to save your marriage will be complete honesty, humility, patience, REMORSE, and did I already say patience? And...TIME.
I'm sure you will get a lot of advice here. Keep posting.

[This message edited by FixYou71 at 8:48 PM, March 14th (Friday)]

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