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Anybody else have a terrible relationship with their mother?

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whensitover posted 3/14/2014 14:23 PM

My mother and I in all honesty don't like each other. I envy people who have that, and my children and I have a wonderful relationship but as for my own mother...I flat out don't like her. She has been addicted to rx meds for years and is in constant denial and downright lies when the truth is standing (or slumping!!) right there in her face. She has always been an over-exaggerator and a liar, but the drug use has also made her cocky and snotty because she hates the fact that we know about it. She and I have had so many terrible fights with so much said that it is very difficult to get past. She doesn't have any friends, and doesn't get along with her own mother, because she is a very selfish individual who doesn't want to have to be obligated to do anything or help anybody...because she is selfish. My heart is pounding right now, typing all of this because I dread going there. I am not actually staying at her home, but will visit them Saturday and Sunday. My sister is in town and I haven't seen her in a long time either so that is the ONLY reason I am going at all. She has already started in with her condescending tone about why we can't stay longer...already started with the guilt trip about why we have to leave...If it were not for my dad, and wanting to see him, I am not sure if I would ever go back there again. It is scary at how I feel about her. She has thrown everything away for her drug habit. And I literally despise her for it. She is not a remorseful addict who is at least honest to some point, instead she makes up lie after lie to cover it up-"she took benedryl, she is just tired today, she has a toothache," etc, etc,etc,etc. the lies go on and on and on. It's pathetic. I have actually seen her go to terminally ill peoples houses to "visit them" only to try to look for pain pills. That's about as low as you get to me. My kids want to go to see my dad but they can't stand her either. This is not normal. My feelings for her, are not normal.

Lionne posted 3/14/2014 15:07 PM

You cannot change an addict. You have to detach. The problem is, she's your mother, you yearn to have a mother daughter relationship with her. You can't. She's an addict.
Read what you wrote about how she has chosen her drugs over her family. Read about codependent relationships. Get some help for yourself. It's VERY hard.
I've BTDT. Took me many years to get healthy (er).
But toxic is toxic even if it is your mother.
Visit your sister and your dad and tune out her guilt trip tirades.
Hugs. I know what it's like.

Leia posted 3/14/2014 18:14 PM

Love my mother and she is supporting grandma would be diagnosed OCD today. She wasn't an addict, quite the opposite. However, she would deride me for the least little thing. So, my point here is that I get when someone is supposed to support you and love you unconditionally doesn't. Kat is right, detach, and try not to let her BS hurt you. Hugs, and enjoy your visit with your sister and dad.

purplejacket4 posted 3/14/2014 18:52 PM

Yeah I got mommy issues.

Mine grew up in a wealthy family (grandfather was high ranking IBM executive for 40 years) and married my dad from a solidly middle class family. Her plan was my dad was supposed to go get his MBA and support her in her accustomed life style. He renigged and went into the seminary and ministry instead. The Horror.

That ended with a very long drawn out story I can't discuss in this forum Suffice to say my mother never married into money and never gained the education to make the living she expected. So she continues to get into debt time and again.

Her first 40K credit card debt was paid when she was involved in a favorable class action lawsuit. (Truth be told she deserved 10x this amount). The second time she got in massive credit card debt she sold her house and used the equity to pay off her debts, and moved here to a smaller house much cheaper than her la te' da neighborhood in the Dallas area. Now she has been retired here for 2 1/2 years and she's back up to 18K in debt. Sigh.

I asked her how she expects to pay off this debt when she has no income other than social security. Her answer is she expects her parents to leave her and her living siblings a big inheritance. (My Grandfather is constantly bailing his three oldest kids out of financial trouble- my mom being the oldest). I've pointed out they could leave all their money to our family's alma mater Ridiculously Religious University. My mom says then I'll bail her out. Fuck me.

Did I mention she ignored me my from 11 years on while she engaged in non mentionable in off topic activities. Grrrr.

k94ever posted 3/14/2014 19:14 PM

(raising hand)

My mom really believes everything is about her.

Life is easier when we are separated.


yearsofpain25 posted 3/14/2014 19:45 PM

Extremely safe to say I have mommy issues. In fact she is the reason I'm on SI. Long story (you can read it under my story if you're bored) but my mother is very narcissistic and blew up my FOO (family of origin) stating with an affair(s) that I found out about and had to tell my dad about when I was 16. I'm in my hometown now sitting next to my dad and my mother has no idea that I'm here. I can 100% relate to everything you said except the drug addiction. She doesn't have that but she does carry around a footlocker sized pill box of anti depressants that don't work. I could go on forever. Sorry about your mom. IT SUCKS!!!!

Emotionalhell posted 3/14/2014 20:21 PM

I have / had mommy issues.

I was raised primarily by my grandparents because my mother was off doing her own thing or simply was sick with a cold & would send me & my sister off to grandma & grandpas house.

My mother claims she is bipolar but I believe she just likes to throw fits to get her way. She will do anything to get her way. Very verbally abusive. She has a history of drug abuse & has been in trouble with the law. So I have severed our relationship. I feel no guilt over this. When she would call I would get anxious & worry about what she might do. Wish I would of severed the relationship years ago,

Tripletrouble posted 3/14/2014 20:36 PM

Oh my goodness thank you for starting this thread. I had a tumultuous teen relationship with my mother that never recovered. My dad was actually the train wreck, but my mom did nothing to remove us from the situation and even used us in her efforts to clean him up. By the time I was 14 I thought his sobriety and their marriage was my responsibility. By the time I was 25 I got the hell out of there and moved many states away. Her number one trick remains guilt guilt guilt and she couldn't give a rip about anyone but herself. I have literally talked to her ONE TIME in the year since D Day. I even asked my brother to tell her I was getting divorced because I couldn't bear to listen to her make it all about her.

jrc1963 posted 3/14/2014 20:44 PM


I haven't spoken to my toxic bipolar narcissistic mother in several years... And as far as I'm concerned I don't plan to again.

I won't recount everything here... it's just not worth it to me to dredge it all back up.

But I wanted to say you're definitely not alone... and detachment is the only way to survive.

persevere posted 3/14/2014 20:48 PM

My mom and I have had a very difficult relationship as long as I can remember. She has always been very controlling and very difficult to deal with. My kids love her, but don't like her much, and, in the past, she has blamed me for that. I let her, at her assistance, attend an IC session with me about five years ago - she proceeded to freak out, get incredibly defensive and angry and just had a complete meltdown and walked out. My IC ended up apologizing to me about it My IC finally understood what I was talking about with regard to my mom.

She's gradually cut off just about everyone in our family with her behavior. I attend family events at her brothers that she isn't welcome to attend due to her behavior and her inability to just treat people nicely and not hold incredibly old grudges that no one understands.

At Dday, it was in the middle of a two year period where I had cut contact with her. The end result is that she didn't learn of my divorce until a year after it occurred. THAT FINALLY seemed to hit her and make a difference in how she treats me. It's still far from perfect but, after years of never respecting my boundaries, she finally seems to at least try.

So, gradually, now so do I. She's getting older now, she's almost 66, she has no retirement to speak of, so it will be up to me and my brother to figure out how to help her make ends meet. However, living with me is not an option in my mind.

We're supposed to do something this weekend. She reaches out but doesn't push anymore, so I'm hoping we can have a nice time. However, based on past experience over the past 40 years, I'm always on guard. It's really very sad.

[This message edited by persevere at 8:49 PM, March 14th (Friday)]

Holly-Isis posted 3/14/2014 21:47 PM

I'm sorry. It hurts to see people who have good relationships...or even ok relationships...with their mothers when yours isn't good.

Mine is likely borderline personality disorder. Growing up, yeah she was a SAHM, but she spent her time cheating, drinking, doing pot...

I never knew all of that because she did her best to keep me away. I was either locked in my room or told to go outside. I was the scapegoat, too much like my dad to be loved.

She happily gave me up when I asked to move in with my dad at 10yo.

Recently I saw her FB page. She was catching up with a friend. Listed her kids, their SOS and kids. She even included my sister's "boyfriend" and his young adult kids. Keep in mind, this BF is our cousin. Yup, mom's nephew.

Who didn't she include? Me or my kids. My sister is dating our cousin but I'm the one she denies.

wannabenormal posted 3/15/2014 03:31 AM

Yes, my mom and I don't really even talk.

It bothered me for a long time, I wanted her approval but now as a grown woman and mother myself, I don't have time to care. I feel like she fucked up, she missed out and it was her loss. I have my own kids to tend to.

Sadly, it's not so weird anymore.

Lionne posted 3/15/2014 08:59 AM

There is an Excellent book on the subject of NPD mothers called Will I Ever Be Good Enough? I recommend it.

soveryweary posted 3/15/2014 10:06 AM

Whenitsover, I was coming on here to start this very thread!! Hugs to you.
I don't like my mother. There, I said it.
From since I can remember, she has controlled me. I have been so afraid of her reactions to things, I mostly do what she wants, or lie to her.
She is getting meaner and meaner, to my dad, demanding to me.
She rejoiced when I left the cheaterasshole, as she thought she would have me all to herself.
When I was in my teens, she would make me get on the scale every Saturday morning. If I was a pound over 120, she wouldn't speak to me for days. She signed me up for WW when I was 16 and weighed 125. I got down to 115 and looked skeletal.
She constantly feels she can interject her opinion about everything and I have just started fighting back. But I feel bad because she is 83.
I have to take a xanax every time I see her. Today I am dreading picking her up and taking her to lunch with my cousin. Originally I was going to take her shopping, but I called my cousin to do lunch because I just can't do it alone with her.
Unfortunately, I only live a half mile away. That will change in the next few months. I am looking for somewhere to live at least a half hour away.
I could write a book! Sorry, I feel I hijacked this thread.
Just want you to know you are not alone. Hugs and hope you have a great trip seeing your sister and dad.

lynnm1947 posted 3/15/2014 14:57 PM

This is not normal. My feelings for her, are not normal

IF SHE WERE A "NORMAL" MOTHER, YOU WOULD HAVE "NORMAL" LOVE FOR HER. Sorry about caps! Since she is an abnormal mother, the feelings you have are normal for this sort of person.

undertherug posted 3/15/2014 15:54 PM

Me too. My mother did her best to make me feel second best and inadequate. She did a really good job. I am 65 years old and my mother has been gone for 25 years and I still have issues about her. My dad just basically gave her control of everything and tried to stay out of her way. I vowed to never be the kind of Mom my mother was and my kids say I succeeded

MrsDoubtfire posted 3/16/2014 03:42 AM

Wow. Just wow. My mom is a controller but lives abroad so I don't have to interact that much with her any more. She doesn't have a clue though that she has a problem which I find scary. I did once confront her about my awful childhood but she had already rewritten history so couldn't remember any of the things I needed to talk about!!

My daughter says me and her have a great relationship and that I'm not like my mom at all. And for that I am thankful.

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 8:41 AM, March 17th (Monday)]

itainteasy posted 3/17/2014 10:54 AM

Dr. PJ, PLEASE do NOT bail your mother out. Fuck that. She's an adult, she can clean up after herself.
When I read that she actually said "Then you will bail me out." My mouth dropped open and I all I could think was "what the fucking fuck?"


My relationship with my mother is fine as long as I can step back and deal with her when I chose to. She's a functioning alcoholic, and she can be a very mean drunk. My brother is her favored child, and he refuses to speak to her. She once said to me, while she was drunk, "I wish Jason was here, but looks like I'm stuck with YOU."

My mother treats me the way her mother treated her. Now that my fiance and I live together (and away from her) she calls me EVERY DAY and laments the fact that I don't call HER. I told her on Saturday that I'd call her when I had something to say to her. And she called me on Sunday. And twice today, already, while I'm at work.

My mother is very controlling. She and my dad (step dad) go out every day at noon, and while she'd be out pounding the beers she'd think of the chores that I needed to be doing at home. Thing is, she wouldn't call me and ask me to do them. So she'd come home, drunk off her ass, and then scream at me for being a fat, lazy, bitch who NEVER did ANYTHING around the house.

That's one example of how she treated me. And she wonders why I don't call.

whensitover posted 3/17/2014 13:26 PM

I am so SHOCKED at how many people have this problem. This was the biggest thing that depressed me at holidays, I'd look around the mall at all these mother/daughter shopping trips and I wished I had that, so now, I do it with my girls!! I made the 5 hour trip, but stayed less than 12 hours. She was messed up, my brother (her drug partner-whose wife is not allowed at my mother's house..because my mother thinks she's a dope head...seriously??) was messed up, and it was just too much for me. I did better than I thought though. The sad part is my kids adore my dad, but they tolerate her to be able to see him. He is so uncomfortable because he has managed to make his own life good by fishing and camping with his brother's but it is hard to even have a visit with her there and he knows it's awkward for all of us. She does her DEAD LEVEL BEST to make sure she is excluded. Does that make sense? She doesn't actually WANT us there, but the fact that we leave early, and can't stay long (because of her) is something she LOVES pointing out to my dad (so that maybe he will think badly of me for) She goes OVER the top to make herself look bad and pityful...which I cannot tolerate. I have NO sympathy for her. I honestly don't know what will happen if something happens to my dad. She has always been horrible with money. As kids, she made us check the mail and hide it from my dad, acted horrified every time the power, phone, water, cut off. (which was ALL the time) It was never her fault. She defends my DOPE head brother 100% and she knows it drives me crazy, she does it to me all the time, and then when I have had enough and tell her enough is enough, she acts as if I have kicked her in the teeth and threw her in the street in the nude. GIVE ME A BREAK!!! If you wanna see someone who SHOULD be a drug addict?? Right here, ya lookin at her!! GEEZ!! Give ME a Xanax!!! (and she would gladly give me one, because she LOVES when someone else is doing drugs with her, which is why my brother, her own child is a drug addict, because she made him that way.) I could go on and on, but my pulse is literally starting to speed up. I despise fake people, and that is exactly what she is..fake, fake, fake.

whensitover posted 3/17/2014 14:05 PM

God I need to get this out. Example: When I was 12, in JR high, I started my period for the first time. I went to the bathroom and noticed it, as the bus was coming down the street, I tell her in a panic what has just happened and she grabs a kotex pad, shoves it in my purse and shoos me out the door so I don't miss the bus. (because she didn't like getting up and dressed to take us if we missed) When MY daughter's each started for the first time. We had a day for just her. A Mani/pedi, lunch at their favorite place, and a movie that afternoon at home so she could relax. She even looks 'pained' at having to say the words "I love you" she can't even look at any of us (my siblings) and say those words. It's like she's struggling to say them. And I can barely say them to her either, but I have NO problem saying them to my own children. Her own mother tries to spend time with her, but my mother only wants to stay home and not be obligated in any way whatsoever that will interfere with her drug habit.

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