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augustmarie posted 3/14/2014 18:29 PM

My husband is military and I found out about an affair that lasted only while he was away. I feel like he is completely compartmentalized in this respect. There are no signs of any affair ongoing, and only of the healthy good relationship that we have always had. I know there is a bit of a culture of what happens on deployment stays on deployment, I've worked with and around military all of my life.

I am teetering on whether or not to confront him. I know I do not want to leave him, and I know that the confrontation will cause a tension like none other. I also have a son who needs a father and I have a man whom would do anything for me.

Is it okay to confront in a passive aggressive way? Like.. Say, hey I know about this girl. I expect that this will be an isolated event. Do you understand? Then cut off all argument by saying I'd rather not discuss the how and why and details of how I know. I just can't unknow what I know and that the behavior is not acceptable.

Anybody take that approach? If so, how did it end up for you?

soloney posted 3/14/2014 20:03 PM

Do you have evidence of the affair? How did you find out?

I don't recommend the passive aggressive approach. You need to find out the truth and start to heal yourself. Healing can not start without open and honest communication.

I'm sorry that you are here and dealing with this. Best of luck to you.

scarednbroken posted 3/14/2014 20:29 PM

That "what happens on deployment stays on deployment" is rediculous. Would he afford the same to you on a Girls only Vegas trip? Can you go have a om for your fun time and leave it there? If not then it's not fair. And if it bothers you it will fester inside like a virus. He needs to know that you don't like it you don't want it. And you will give him the same consideration while he is gone - no side dishes for either one of you.

Ugh... Sorry just one more reason I do not like being a military wife....

Hugs for you and your son.

augustmarie posted 3/14/2014 21:12 PM

I'm having a weak moment as one of my best friends (a guy) pointed out that if I wanted to stay with him, and I thought it was an isolated incident and since it was not recent - 6 months ago. Then I should let it go. Otherwise I would cause tension that was unneccesary and I would close down the avenue in which I found out the information so I wouldn't be able to see a pattern or not see a pattern. He pointed out that my son needs a father either way.

We talked more and he finally agreed that I should simply tell him I knew about the A, to let him know we needed to talk about it, and to tell me if this was ongoing or an isolated event. Pretty much where I was this morning about telling him i knew.

I ask myself, what is my husbands biggest fear and what will go through his head when I tell him I know.

5454real posted 3/14/2014 23:45 PM

I have a man whom would do anything for me.

Except the one thing that matters the most.

a son who needs a father

Who leads by example.

I know there is a bit of a culture of what happens on deployment stays on deployment

Character is what you do when no-one is looking.

If you want to let this slide, that is totally up to you. If you want to be with someone who respects you and his son, confront.

Strength for whatever your choice

Credence posted 3/15/2014 02:51 AM

augustmarie I know you are going through an incredibly tough time and you are trying to find the best way to save your marriage. I know that sometimes it seems that the advice on here has more chance of ruining a marriage than saving a marriage but as you get further down the road you will see that the advice is designed to protect you and enable you to have the best possible shot at R (if that's what you decide you want).

A gentle approach says 'there are no consequences for cheating'. If you handle this in a passive-aggressive way then there is every chance you could be back here in the future telling us about DDay number 2. I'm not saying that to frighten you, I'm saying it because it's so often what happens. Cheaters cheat because they don't think that there will be consequences. If there are no consequences then what's to stop them doing it again? Everyone on here has been through the betrayal and we've all handled it differently as will you but please please deal with this properly now so that it doesn't a) happen again and b) haunt you for the rest of your days.

[This message edited by Credence at 2:59 AM, March 15th (Saturday)]

Skan posted 3/15/2014 11:02 AM

Hey there. Military brat here and former military myself.

Yeah, it used to be that what happened on deployment stayed on deployment. When I was in the military and was almost stationed in the Philippians, I was told that I had better expect that all of my male "co-workers" would be hitting the bars every night for sex, drinking, and more sex. And that I had best stay on base if I didn't want to be constantly hit on or dragged into a dark alley. So I stayed stateside and dealt with the individuals who felt that "riding a WAVE" was their God-given right as male military.

Thank God things have and are changing!

So, do you want to be in a 1950s marriage where you suffer in silence while your WH gets a free pass to go looking for sex any time that he's not in your sight, or do you want to try to have an authentic, honest marriage? You're right, you cannot un-know this. And your knowledge IS going to affect your marriage. It already has.

I'm running out the door but I wanted to reach out to you. (((hugs)))

SadInNC posted 3/15/2014 20:35 PM

Hi (((augustmarie))

I am teetering on whether or not to confront him. I know I do not want to leave him, and I know that the confrontation will cause a tension like none other.

From your post, I'm hearing that you would rather accept/ignore what your WH has done to avoid conflict. You want peace in your home and you are willing to let your WH have an A with absolutely NO consequences.

Then cut off all argument by saying I'd rather not discuss the how and why and details of how I know.

My WH would have been in cheater heaven if I had said that to him. There is nothing he would have liked to hear more! It would have made him a very happy man but it would have made me feel like shit forever and ever. So, I would be incapable of doing that.

I urge you to do a little soul searching here. There are all kinds of people in this world, and maybe there are some BS's out there who truly can just accept the betrayal and the A passively. If you are one of them and that is the route you decide to take, you have to be sure that in your heart of hearts you don't have resentment. If you say to him that you will let this go--you have to let it go for real. The resentment will end up killing your marriage and you will be worse off than if you had confronted him aggressively right from the start.

There are no great answers for bullshit. Cheating, lies and betrayal are all bullshit and it sucks. I hope you make the right decision. Lots of good advice on here. I wish you well!

augustmarie posted 3/26/2014 11:44 AM

I did confront him. I am glad that I did. He did not deny it or argue with me. He said he made a mistake, he was sorry and that he didn't want to hurt me. The affair happened due to working in close quarters with a female and flirtation that got away from him.

He answers all of my questions and I keep pushing to understand the why. As far as I can tell on the why is that before he was injured in his last deployment he was so much more physically in shape and able to go out and impact change. Then he returned to combat after being physically broken down as a recovered wounded guy and he is now riding a desk. He got depressed.

I think he sees himself as less capable and disabled and here was this chick someone who saw him as the funny, wonderful intelligent person he is who didn't know his former self. Through her he found a way to get through the depression and see his own value. I am not sure I could provide that boost for him because I've known him as his former self and the person he is now. I guess when someone loves you and thinks You are great you don't always believe that you are. An outsider does, and suddenly you can see it in yourself.

He said it was because he was in a bad place and it was a bad decision he made. He says he ended it soon after it started because he wanted to be a better man to me and that he felt guilt like you read about it when it was happening.

So I know it was most likely a physical and emotional affair although he does not agree that it was emotional at all. I know that he intentionally ended it and he did not tell me about it more because he knew it would hurt me. It still hurt me.

I am glad it's in the open now. It's something we need to address and work through. I also think we are talking more, bonding more, and are being really open and honest with each other.

I don't know how to set up safeguards to help him not do it again, other than let him choose to be with me and if it happens again, then consequences are clear. I believe he is remorseful.

norabird posted 3/26/2014 12:15 PM

Safeguards mostly have to come from him. He should get into IC, maybe read the book "Not Just Friends", and be as reassuring, honest and transparent as possible. Hopefully you can heal together. Do prepare for a bumpy ride!

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