In February, I finally joined SI and it became a beacon of light for me. I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced joining SI as a WW and then understanding that what you thought was R really wasn't, but that was me last week.
I know I haven't been here long but one thing I haven't seen many WW's discuss is that once you begin to dig deep and face your demons, new DD's and TT can be part of the process of realizing what you've told yourself in the past is ok is not really right and never was and have caused a false foundation.
As a result of my enlightenment, I now know that I had a problem that I buried (aka rugswept) from my dating years growing up in a college town that involved several things: I never understood the "game" of dating. I always hated it. I was often too honest on a date offering up my past marriage issues that lead to divorce (I was a BS in my 1st marriage), or they found out I was the mother of a 2 year old and ran, or after a couple of dates I thought (thanks to the crappy show Sex in the City) that you were suppose to consummate the relationship--this resulted in the end of any "real" relationship and would ultimately fail because they would attempt to call me for a date without dinner (and I was to have none of that). Clearly, I was naive to think that guys in college at the age of 22 were looking to marry a single mom. I felt so alone. Unfortunately as a result of this, I repeated this many times in a short time span. I quickly became bitter about the process and didn't care anymore about finding Mr. Right. As a result, I not only degraded myself worth through the process but also "upped" my "number" to one I lost count of. (I stopped counting at 20. )
It was around that time 10 years ago when things were spinning out of control that I met my H. He quickly committed to me, and I at the time, was hesitant to fully commit due to all the others but never told him that I was uneasy about it. In the meantime, during our first month of dating I had a drunk ONS with a Navy Officer and kissed another guy at a concert when I ran into an old Highschool crush.
It wasn't until he proposed to three months into us dating me that I finally let the barrier walls crash down and built the relationship I and he always deserved.
Fast forward to last week during DD#2. He asked me to spill anything and everything including dating, I had- at the time- mentioned the drunk ONS with Navy guy, but could't remember the date of it's occurrence (it was 10 years ago). We both agreed that if I could think of anything that happened around that time, then I could come to him.
Today, when I was scrubbing the floor (our dog decided to get int the trash the night before and the nasty result ended on our dinning room rug), I started to think of how after DDay #2 and when I offered a poly and he told me that I had a few days to think of anything that needed to be told. As I started to soul search my rugsweeping in the past, I realized that everything in our marriage was out and the lies from our dating began to seep back in. I began to think about how when I was single, society supported, advertised and accepted the lie of until there was a ring on your finger none of your previous history matters or needed to be told. As a 23 year old single woman, I used this to be a crutch when dating my husband.
I knew immediately that I needed to do the research and add these things to our timeline that we had began to put together last week, after DD#2 by referring back to old pictures, Facebook posts and events that happened around that time. I remembered that my H had recently downloaded pictures from when we first dated from an old hard drive he found and I could finally have a reference point of time by searching the date from when our pictures were created and then apply that to those to my unaccounted dates (both were around concert schedules I could look up). I immediately went over to our computer and googled the dates. My heart dropped. I had rug swept so long that I did not remember that it was after the first time we had sex. He walked in about the time that I saw the date and noticed that my face was ghost white. That was when I told him. It shattered him as I knew it would, but it shattered me as well. How could I of done that? It was ultimately the result of not trusting and making bad dating decisions and accepting what society now calls the new "norm" in single life. AND I WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THAT IT WAS OKAY.
His reaction was what I worse than I expected. He told me everything from He wished he was still married to his ex-wife (who was also a WW) and that he wished he never met me. He told me that I deprived him of a real marriage that he could of had.
He's teetering right now. I'm not sure if he still wants me or not. Our world is caving in. I never thought there would be a day that I would look forward to having a polygraph test. Enlightenment and facing your poor decisions to make the wrong base for your life are hard lessons. As hard as they are, I'm not going to keep running and let it be my future. It stops here.
Owning your sh*t is the hardest thing I've ever done. I just hope he will stay now that he knows it all. The real me. The one that I'm discovering at the same time he is….
Praying the positive poly results next Tuesday will provide us the glimpse of hope that we both need.
[This message edited by wheredoigo at 9:40 PM, March 14th (Friday)]