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TT'ing dating life before the M

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wheredoigo posted 3/14/2014 21:34 PM

In February, I finally joined SI and it became a beacon of light for me. I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced joining SI as a WW and then understanding that what you thought was R really wasn't, but that was me last week.

I know I haven't been here long but one thing I haven't seen many WW's discuss is that once you begin to dig deep and face your demons, new DD's and TT can be part of the process of realizing what you've told yourself in the past is ok is not really right and never was and have caused a false foundation.

As a result of my enlightenment, I now know that I had a problem that I buried (aka rugswept) from my dating years growing up in a college town that involved several things: I never understood the "game" of dating. I always hated it. I was often too honest on a date offering up my past marriage issues that lead to divorce (I was a BS in my 1st marriage), or they found out I was the mother of a 2 year old and ran, or after a couple of dates I thought (thanks to the crappy show Sex in the City) that you were suppose to consummate the relationship--this resulted in the end of any "real" relationship and would ultimately fail because they would attempt to call me for a date without dinner (and I was to have none of that). Clearly, I was naive to think that guys in college at the age of 22 were looking to marry a single mom. I felt so alone. Unfortunately as a result of this, I repeated this many times in a short time span. I quickly became bitter about the process and didn't care anymore about finding Mr. Right. As a result, I not only degraded myself worth through the process but also "upped" my "number" to one I lost count of. (I stopped counting at 20. )

It was around that time 10 years ago when things were spinning out of control that I met my H. He quickly committed to me, and I at the time, was hesitant to fully commit due to all the others but never told him that I was uneasy about it. In the meantime, during our first month of dating I had a drunk ONS with a Navy Officer and kissed another guy at a concert when I ran into an old Highschool crush.

It wasn't until he proposed to three months into us dating me that I finally let the barrier walls crash down and built the relationship I and he always deserved.

Fast forward to last week during DD#2. He asked me to spill anything and everything including dating, I had- at the time- mentioned the drunk ONS with Navy guy, but could't remember the date of it's occurrence (it was 10 years ago). We both agreed that if I could think of anything that happened around that time, then I could come to him.

Today, when I was scrubbing the floor (our dog decided to get int the trash the night before and the nasty result ended on our dinning room rug), I started to think of how after DDay #2 and when I offered a poly and he told me that I had a few days to think of anything that needed to be told. As I started to soul search my rugsweeping in the past, I realized that everything in our marriage was out and the lies from our dating began to seep back in. I began to think about how when I was single, society supported, advertised and accepted the lie of until there was a ring on your finger none of your previous history matters or needed to be told. As a 23 year old single woman, I used this to be a crutch when dating my husband.

I knew immediately that I needed to do the research and add these things to our timeline that we had began to put together last week, after DD#2 by referring back to old pictures, Facebook posts and events that happened around that time. I remembered that my H had recently downloaded pictures from when we first dated from an old hard drive he found and I could finally have a reference point of time by searching the date from when our pictures were created and then apply that to those to my unaccounted dates (both were around concert schedules I could look up). I immediately went over to our computer and googled the dates. My heart dropped. I had rug swept so long that I did not remember that it was after the first time we had sex. He walked in about the time that I saw the date and noticed that my face was ghost white. That was when I told him. It shattered him as I knew it would, but it shattered me as well. How could I of done that? It was ultimately the result of not trusting and making bad dating decisions and accepting what society now calls the new "norm" in single life. AND I WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THAT IT WAS OKAY.

His reaction was what I worse than I expected. He told me everything from He wished he was still married to his ex-wife (who was also a WW) and that he wished he never met me. He told me that I deprived him of a real marriage that he could of had.

He's teetering right now. I'm not sure if he still wants me or not. Our world is caving in. I never thought there would be a day that I would look forward to having a polygraph test. Enlightenment and facing your poor decisions to make the wrong base for your life are hard lessons. As hard as they are, I'm not going to keep running and let it be my future. It stops here.

Owning your sh*t is the hardest thing I've ever done. I just hope he will stay now that he knows it all. The real me. The one that I'm discovering at the same time he is….

Praying the positive poly results next Tuesday will provide us the glimpse of hope that we both need.

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 9:40 PM, March 14th (Friday)]

TrulySad posted 3/15/2014 07:31 AM

Thanks for sharing your story... It sounds very much like my WBF's.

If I can give you some advice...take the poly. A written timeline is important. And as harsh as it may need to be completely honest, whatever details he needs, please give him.

I agree, the younger generations live far too carelessly with others hearts. I'm sure many have the right idea, but from my side I rarely see them. I have two daughters in their twenties and a son who's 18. They've lived their lives the right way because I've taught them no less. Their friends and even partners had NO idea what a committed relationship means. They called themselves "taken", but live that way only when their partner is by their side. My WBF is/was the same way. In fact...I think that lines are crossed even while they are beside each other. I was blown away at what's accepted. I'm not old (by my standards). I'm 46. It wasn't this way when I was younger. And I think people today are afraid to see it, or don't want to know.

It took me pointing out to my WBF, all that he was doing wrong, for him to start seeing who he was. He had thought he was a decent BF to all he had dated. Sadly, not even close. He always looked at himself as their victim, claiming how they hurt him. Yet when the story came out to me, the reality was they are all doing the same things to each other.

I am truly sorry for what you and your H are going through. He's in so much pain, I'm sure...and I can relate. It takes time for reality to sink in. And it takes time for the shock and pain to slow down enough for him to catch his breath.

Another thing...changing your ways, and owning what you've done is one thing. Helping to repair the damage is something completely different. Read here, and continue to ask for advice. Repairing the damage is not something I'm familiar with. I wish I knew how it could be do..

Good luck to the both of you...

AFrayedKnot posted 3/15/2014 08:11 AM

Being told of my fWS infidelities and promiscuity pre me was shocking and disturbing at first.

After the shock processed though, it helped me really internalize that the A's had nothing to do with me. They were a pattern of behavior she had had most of her life. That was a huge step in my healing.

Like my tagline says "knowing is half the battle"
And her tagline "your secrets keep you sick"

I applaud your courage and wish you both the best.

wheredoigo posted 3/15/2014 08:16 AM

Thank you for posting back TrulySad.

After I wrote this last night I came to bed and he told me his feeling for me have died. I'm a mess. He's my soulmate. He's everything to me. I feel so ashamed, so devastated for him and then for my actions.

At the same time, It's hard to hear him when he says the ten years of our marriage is dead to him. I was cynical about guys through past relationships (started with an abusive relationship with my father, then in M#1 at 20 became a BS by 21-and 1st relationship after that was a con-artist who I met through work that ended up putting in jail -a crazy catch me if you can story)

It took me a while to know he was real. He was moving so fast and I was trying to stop my pattern that seemed like a drug to me.

When asked me to marry him it woke me up. Then I raised our (his) daughter, even giving up my career when his XWW died and his XWW's mother moved in as a result and he now admits that he checked out of our marriage to grieve his XWW. That was one year into our now 9 years of marriage and he never came back to me. He was never there physically, missed almost every holiday for 6 years during that time and the XWW's mother became jealous that her daughter never lived a life with him and tried to a sabotage our marriage and family. He was terribly mean to my daughter during that time resulting in her not wanting to be a part of my life as much .

At the time of the A's I felt our marriage was over. Done. I had tried church, I had tried talking to his parents, I had tried Fireproof the movie and the book, in had tried begging and pleading and had told him I wanted a divorce. He had only responded with if I did that, he would take me to the cleaners and I would have nothing.

It wasn't until the A's that he woke up. Once he knew he had actually lost me, he wanted to initially fight for our marriage

As shallow as this sounds I thought reading 50 Shades was harmless, but it opened up a smorgasbord of feelings for me. Feelings that I missed and longed for again. To be held to be noticed. I tried at first to visit those with him and it was there once but then turned me away. I felt something in me turn off at that point. So when he told me last night that his switch had turned off, I lost it. I knew how he felt. Numb.

I just hope the polygraph is not too late.


[This message edited by wheredoigo at 8:18 AM, March 15th (Saturday)]

floridaredman posted 3/15/2014 09:10 AM

At the time of the A's I felt our marriage was over. Done. I had tried church, I had tried talking to his parents, I had tried Fireproof the movie and the book, in had tried begging and pleading and had told him I wanted a divorce. He had only responded with if I did that, he would take me to the cleaners and I would have nothing.

It wasn't until the A's that he woke up. Once he knew he had actually lost me, he wanted to initially fight for our marriage

Bolded for clarification.

All the work you did BEFORE your affairs are commendable.Yet after your affair that work was blown out of the water. Yes he woke up after the affairs,but at the cost of devastation and anguish. You site many things you suffered in the marriage.
Your husband was suffering too and probably thought it was unfair and selfish that he ask you to console him at the loss of his XWW. So he shut you out. That was wrong of him to do so,but he didn't know how to approach that.

Talking from experience...waking someone one up by having an affair is a two edged sword. It gets your attention and can kill the relationship, all in one swing.

wheredoigo posted 3/15/2014 09:56 AM


Thanks for your post.

I understood that it was double edged a long time ago after DD1 a year ago. Ii just didn't have SI to guide me. It wasn't until I started to see things here on S last month that I understood the damage and it's entirety that all the truth had to come out. I'm just grieving the loss of everything right now. My emotions are all over the place. After I started telling him the truth on my own he said he would give me time so that it could be out there and I could feel safe that he would stay and work on things. Now that it's all out, he's done. I'm struggling with what to do next. I still want to fight for my marriage and him. I just don't know how when the other person doesn't love you.

wheredoigo posted 3/15/2014 10:16 AM

Hi Chico,

So sorry. I didn't see your post between my novels. I've seen him process each DD but never this way before. He's never reacted this way. I have always been able to feel his emotions, but I can't feel anything from him. Were there multiple DD's for you? What measures did your WW take that made you feel safe?

I've told every friend that would be supportive of our marriage that he's requested and let him be a part of that process, we contacted AP #1 together for a second NC after he requested I call him again for questions (#2NC was during fog days a year ago and lived out of state), we worked together on researching our timeline, I am shutting down my photography business that I've built over 10 years to an international level (I want more time to work on us and our family), I offered a polygraph for my timeline of infidelity confirmation and a post nup that gives the everything to him in the event of unfaithful moments of any kind in the future, I've given him the honest truth all the way back to before we ever dated... I'm just not sure if he loves me after the truth. I'm trying to find a way to accept that even if I fight for us it may be all over in his mind.

floridaredman posted 3/15/2014 10:29 AM

Give him some time. New information and TT are hard for anyone to digest. After he processes this he could still decide to try and work it out.

This is what you do

1. Let him know you're available to him to talk about this as much as he needs.

2. Keep fighting for your marriage even though it seems he may have given up

3. Be patient. Be empathetic. Be understanding.

Keep boundaries. Let him vent, but not to abuse verbally or physically. You know what you can take and what you can't.

wheredoigo posted 3/15/2014 21:40 PM

Thank you floridaredman. That list really helped. I think I'm going to do a screen shot on my phone and kind of keep it as a checklist for when I'm struggling. Maybe even add to it as we go through all of this.

Update from yesterday's post:
I'm still part shock part devastation that it still might be all over. I can't stop thinking of what I've done to my H. I'm having trouble grasping that I could rugsweep this way for years and fully understanding the damage I was causing.

This morning I held him, even though he wasn't very responsive, I know him and he needed it. And so did I. I made sure to give him a little time/space on his own to take a nap (since we didn't fall asleep until 4:15am this morning due to my uncontrollable sobbing and anxiety attacks all night. I felt bad that he ended up consoling me and loosing sleep.) We talked this morning for about 3 hours and discussed my crying last night. I told him to not apologize for not feeling anything because it was my decision to put myself in this place. We decided to read a few chapters of "Not Just Friends" daily together and then move on to another book we agree with after we are done with NJF. The half hour left us feeling like we were pointing a little bit more North than the Southern direction we were facing yesterday. This afternoon, to my surprise, he requested we get out of the house for lunch, and during that he told me he was starting to feel a little bit again. It was the first glimmer of hope for me. And I think it was for him too. Tonight, before he headed to bed I got a really long hug and it was hard for me to let go, but I'll take any hug that he will give. Even if it's a nano second.

Heading to bed now with a renewed outlook and thinking of what small step I can work diligently on tomorrow.

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